My Interview with President Biden

I recently had the opportunity to sit with the President in the Oval Office for a conversation about matters past and present. The transcript that follows has been edited for brevity and clarity. Editing it for sanity would have been too much of a stretch. In the transcript, I’m identified as YT (yours truly), and the President is identified as JB.

YT: Mr. President, during your campaign for the presidency, you called a young woman a lying, dog-faced pony soldier. Can you tell me what that means?

JB: I’ve never used that expression in my life.

YT: Thank you. On another campaign stop, you said, “All men and women are created by the … co … you know the … you know the thing.” Can you tell me what you meant by that?

JB: Yes. Thank you for letting me clarify that. On that particular occasion, I was talking about the other thing.

YT: Okay. On yet another campaign stop, you were surrounded by children and you talked about how kids like to rub the hair on your legs. Did you think that was appropriate?

JB: Have you seen my legs?

YT: Well, no. I ….

JB: Come on, man. I have to trim the hair on my legs so it doesn’t hang over my shoes.

YT [gags]: Uh … you once told a group of truckers you used to drive an 18-wheeler. Is that true?

JB: No. That was taken out of context. I used to drive a steam engine for the Pennsyltucky Railroad when I was in law school. My dad used to say, “Joey, make sure you blow two for the crossing in case there are any cows on the tracks.” That’s why I invented the cowcatcher.

YT: You were at a town hall meeting in Des Moines in 2019 that was hosted by the Asian & Latino Coalition PAC. You said, “We have this notion that somehow if you’re poor, you cannot do it. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” What did you mean by that?

JB: I was not at a town hall. I was at a Tupperware party. And what I said was, “We need to have tight lids.” Have you ever been carrying soup or one of those jellied salads in a cheap plastic container when the lid pops off? It’s a mess. But it is true that most poor people can’t afford Tupperware.

YT: Oh, boy. In October of 2020, you were asked by CBS News reporter, Bo Erickson, about your son Hunter’s laptop. You said, “I know you’d ask it. I have no response. It’s another smear campaign, right up your alley. Those are the questions you always ask.” Now that the laptop and its contents have been authenticated and there’s a Congressional investigation underway for which Hunter’s likely to be subpoenaed, do you have anything more to say about that?

JB: Look, I thought the guy was asking me if I wanted to go hunting with a laptop. That’s just ludicrous. Everybody knows when you go hunting, you get a shotgun. Plus, I think that Erickson guy was a Russian plant, trying to interfere with the election that was being held the following month.

YT: Right. During last month’s State of the Union address, you said, “Make no mistake about it: As we made clear last week, if China threatens our sovereignty, we will act to protect our country, and we did.” Were you referring to the balloons you had shot down?

JB: I was actually talking about the threats to our sovereignty by the almost three million immigrants that came across our borders from Mexico in 2022. But the teleprompter got the country wrong. And our border’s secure.

YT: I see. During the same address you said, “If anyone tries to cut Social Security, I will stop them. And if anyone tries to cut Medicare, I will stop them.” But the Democrats’ reconciliation bill you signed last summer took almost $300 billion from Medicare to boost insurance companies by removing leverage from negotiations on drug prices.

JB: Oh, shit! Is that what that was?

YT: On the same night, talking about non-compete agreements, you said, “A cashier at a burger place can’t walk across town and take the same job at another burger place and make a few bucks more.” Do you really think fast-food employees have non-compete agreements?

JB: No. What I meant was a guy who makes Big Macs at McDonalds can’t go to Burger King and make Whoppers because they’re different. But he can make French Fries because those are just potatoes.

YT: You also said, “Jill and I reignited the Cancer Moonshot that President Obama asked me to lead.” But your Inflation Reduction Act contains price controls that reduce annual cancer R&D spending by about $18.1 billion, or 31.8 percent.

JB: Come on, man. Those are just numbers. By the way, did you know the Oval Office used to be a rectangle?

YT: What?!

JB: Yep. When Jill and I got here, we ordered 400 containers of Spackle. Then we spent a weekend rounding off the corners to make the room oval.

YT: Oh, boy. Let’s move on. On February 3rd, a reporter asked if you take any blame for inflation. You said, “No … It was already here when I got here, man! Remember what the economy was like when I got here?” Setting aside the fact that the reporter was a woman, the annual inflation rate when you took office in January of 2020 was 1.4 percent. In 2021 it had risen to 7 percent. It now stands at 6.4 percent. What did you mean when you said that to the reporter?

JB: I was talking about the economy of Burundi. Do you know those people don’t even have toothbrushes? As a matter of fact, most of the countries around Burundi in Latin America and Crimea don’t have teeth after the age of 16. That’s why Vice President Harkness and I are inaugurating a program we’re calling BEAT: Buy Everybody a Toothbrush. And our slogan is, The BEAT Goes On.” Pretty neat, huh?

YT: Oh, my God. Okay. One last question. In a recent Wall Street Journal Op Ed, you wrote, “Millions of Americans [are] getting jobs with better pay,” now that you’re in office. But according to the America First Policy Institute, the average American has lost about $1,350 in purchasing power from your inflation tax. How do you respond to that?

JB: Oh, no you don’t.

YT: No, I don’t what?

JB: You’re not going to confuse me with numbers again. I wasn’t born tomorrow, ya know.

YT: No. I didn’t think so, sir.

JB: Ask me what kind of cereal I like.

YT: What?!

JB: Come on, man. Ask me what kind of cereal I like.

YT: Okay. What kind of cereal do you like?

JB: Fruit Loops.

YT: Do you mean Count Chocula?

JB: Yeah.

YT: Thank you for your time, Mr. President.

JB: Gesundheit.


Mark O'Brien
Mark O'Brien
I’m a business owner. My company — O’Brien Communications Group (OCG) — is a B2B brand-management and marketing-communication firm that helps companies position their brands effectively and persuasively in industries as diverse as: Insurance, Financial Services, Senior Living, Manufacturing, Construction, and Nonprofit. We do our work so well that seven of the companies (brands) we’ve represented have been acquired by other companies. OCG is different because our business model is different. We don’t bill by the hour or the project. We don’t bill by time or materials. We don’t mark anything up. We don’t take media commissions. We pass through every expense incurred on behalf of our clients at net. We scope the work, price the work, put beginning and end dates on our engagements, and charge flat, consistent fees every month for the terms of the engagements. I’m also a writer by calling and an Irish storyteller by nature. In addition to writing posts for my company’s blog, I’m a frequent publisher on LinkedIn and Medium. And I’ve published three books for children, numerous short stories, and other works, all of which are available on Amazon under my full name, Mark Nelson O’Brien.

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  1. The scary and tragic image this “interview” presents is that it is too close to reality. I am convinced that if our country can survive 4 years of this idiot and his inept gang then the country is largely bullet proof. But, I think there are really two matters that are beyond what we see bumbling his way through the 4 years. One is who are the puppeteers behind the curtain, and second why would anyone in their right mind vote for him?

    • Ken, I agree with you on both counts. There’s no way that doddering nitwit is acting on his own. As for who voted for him, that will never be sorted out.