Losing Dora

I may have not carried you for 9 months but will spend the rest of my life loving you, protecting you, and doing whatever I need to make you happy.

— Unknown

That was the vow I thought I was able to make to every stray fur kid I take care of. I failed one of my babies, and my heart bleeds unstoppably from last evening…

Some monster driving a car killed my baby Dora yesterday… The janitor who told me about it saw her in the trash bin… I still can’t understand why he didn’t bother taking her so that I may at least say a last goodbye, celebrate her short life, and grant her a decent death… I screamed and shed tons of warm tears when hearing the news… I was in disbelief; still very self-aware… The concierge dared tell me, “please stop it; don’t make me regret telling you about it.” You know those individuals threatened by raw emotions because they had to shut them down to survive? That’s right; he is one of them.

You don’t tell me how to express my sorrow!

A few genuinely kind folks showed compassion and tried their best to comfort the broken heart of a mother… I am eternally grateful for their being, given how rare they are in my community… They felt concerned about me inflicting self-harm or harming someone else. I assured the empathetic passengers I was in control and fully conscious of my behavior.

Appealingly, I owe all the continuum of my feelings deep respect and choose to allow them the freedom to exist and manifest while always guided by my compass/Center: the Universal Principles.

She was skinny, dirty, and terrified of humans… Her crippling anxiety built high walls. She couldn’t feel the energy without any filter anymore. I had to be very patient to earn her trust. Then, I watched her grow into a healthy and beautiful girl…

She had babies before I could afford to spay her. She couldn’t feed them because of a milk-shortage issue… I took her to the vet who diagnosed an infection. Because she was too afraid and impossible to manipulate, the vet had to anesthetize her. I took her to my small place.

My 4 indoor furries were too curious. I know they may act aggressively sometimes, and I didn’t want Dora to suffer knowing how fearful she is. Hence, I took her outside to the area where she lives with other friends. I left her in a closed carrier and waited for a couple of hours.

When she didn’t wake up according to the estimation, I called the vet. He advised waiting a bit more as the effect depended on the organism and had never been a rocket science by experience. I opened the carrier when I sensed she started to move. She was dizzy, still confused, and somehow managed to run in all directions. I felt my heart was about to stop and an undescribable relief when catching her.

I had to stay for three more hours until I made sure she was safe and sent my gratitude to the Universe because she didn’t harm herself. Little did I know that I would lose her in the most horrific ways soon after…

She gave birth in a problematic warehouse. The owner asked me to talk to the attorney in charge of the conflict. He sent me to another guy. Meanwhiles, the innocent kittens passed away…

With a heavy heart, I took her back to the vet to get spayed while still traumatized by her loss. She spent 10 days in a foster family afterward. When it was time to get her back, we spent 2 hours and a half trying to catch her.

She also bit me 4 times. They didn’t hurt me up to today. I like to think about it as Dora’s soul telling me, “don’t blame yourself, Momma! Let those scars remind you that you’ve done your very best! I love you and will always do!”

When she was back in my neighborhood, all her fears miraculously dissipated. She started asking to be petted and became playful again. She was shining, and I couldn’t be any happier. It was wondrous until it wasn’t…

When I chose to become a fur Momma to as many kids as possible, I knew that there was a price to pay. I knew grief would be a frequent visitor, and I have been coping with it the best I could.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t prepared for this loss in particular… Dora started her life in pain because a monster decided she wasn’t worth living. She survived with much difficulty and blessed my world for a while until another perpetrator murdered her brutally.

This morning, I saw a pool of blood and collapsed for a while before realizing I had to drive to the vet with an injured kid in need of immediate assistance… All I can do is hope she didn’t suffer and that she died instantly… Also, that I could give her enough unconditional love that she wholeheartedly deserves…

Last words

To all the parents out there who lost a child — be it a human or an animal — to homicide, know that I deeply feel your heart aching and applaud you for your courage!

There is no shame in loving: it is the sign of a generous heart, and pain the price of an open soul.

— Alison Croggon

The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief… but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love

— Hilary Stanton Zunin

Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others.

— John Bradshaw

Here I am, dear readers and friends, sharing with you my pain and embarking on yet another healing journey! Thank you for showing up the way you do!