If you’re feeling stuck and you’re not quite ready to make peace with some aspect of your past, it might help to shift your perspective a little by asking conscious questions. Sit for a moment with something in your life that you want to move beyond. What questions are you asking? Maybe you’re asking, “Why did this happen?” or “What needs to be forgiven?” or “What did I do to attract this?” If you’re focusing on the pain and suffering, on what someone did wrong, ask yourself some different questions. For example, you can ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about this situation? Is this perspective bringing me peace?” If the answer is no, then it might be time for some further questions, such as “What would it take to be free from this?” Sit with this again and again until you can hear the story, see the scene, and recognize how it fits into a larger script.
Ask yourself if it’s possible to live beyond that story. What would it feel like to let go of the story about a person or an event and overcome it? Take a deep breath. Question every point of view. Reflect on your true nature. Living in the question is a powerful practice that we can use to break free from old patterns and live a more conscious life. It’s a powerful tool for conscious creation because it trains you to question the points of view that influence what you notice and how you perceive what you call reality.
Most of us have been trained from a young age to solve problems and “find the answers”—whether that’s the answers on a test at school or the answers to life’s questions. We might even believe that finding the answers is our purpose in life. Many of us move into a spiritual practice with this same intention. We begin our practice by looking for the answers, thinking that if we can just “figure out the meaning of life,” we will be okay. Only the awareness of our true nature can end the mind’s incessant search for meaning.
Many people go through life looking for answers. But an answer-focused approach is steeped in ego; it can’t help but be infused with our personal desires because the thing we are trying to change, whatever that may be, depends on the answer.
We need the answer to work for us. So, whenever we end up finding an answer, it’s limited by our personal bias, our core false beliefs, and/or our judgments.
An answer-focused approach can create conflict on a personal level as well as a global level. When you believe that you have the answer but someone else sees it another way, that means they must not have the correct answer: “I am right, and you are wrong.” That approach creates external conflict. Or, if you believe that there’s an answer out there but that you are unable to reach it, or don’t deserve to reach it, then this creates internal conflict. Almost always, conflict comes from the notion that there is a right and a wrong answer, that someone has the answer and that other answers (and thus other people) are incorrect. Approaching life as a search for the answer can keep you stuck in the comfort zone of your core false beliefs and your small view of the world that assumes there’s only one way, one answer.
It can be challenging to let go of this approach. I certainly thought it was the way to look at things when I first came into spiritual practice. I figured there was a right way to believe and act, and if I could just figure it out, I would evolve spiritually. Then came a beautiful turning point. I don’t know if it was an event or a gradual process, but at some point, I began to open to the possibility that it’s not about coming up with the answer but about living in the question and opening to the great mystery. At some point, I began seeing my purpose not as spiritual growth toward some perfect state but as growing in awareness of a perfection that already is.
We might think of this in terms of science. We can view science as a discipline that shows us facts about the universe and gives us answers. But the answers that science gives are continually changing as scientists evolve. Ideally, science is endlessly open to ever-deeper understanding, and it doesn’t assume to know or even pursue an absolute answer. It’s more about examining questions. That’s what a scientific hypothesis is—a “what-if” question. So, living in the question is like living the scientific method, in an open stance that does not assume that the answers will stand for all time or for all people. Focusing on the question provides a distance between me (the person asking the question) and the answer (whatever it is that I find). Living in the question allows us to approach things from a position of curiosity rather than apprehension, of play rather than urgency.
How exactly do we go about living in the question? It’s quite simple: We ask ourselves open-ended questions that do not start with Why but rather Who, Where, What, When, and How. Our questions might be “Where did this come from?” “Who taught me this?” “How has it been reinforced?” “What does it look like? Feel like?” “Where does this feeling lead me?” “How can I discover what is mine to do?” Being open-ended, these questions cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. They don’t claim to have a simple answer. Life is more nuanced than that. With open-ended questions, we are less likely to create answers based on past experiences and more likely to open to new possibilities. We can open rather than contract. And we can begin to question the situations and stories from our past that have kept us feeling stuck.
Why no “Why” questions? Because Why questions tempt us to immediately search for the answer. With Why questions we’re subtly telling ourselves that there’s some explanation, and if we can just figure that out, things will shift, and life will get better. (It’s interesting that most of the questions we ask from a victim mentality are “Why” questions. “Why is she like that?” “Why are people so stupid?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why does he treat me like that?”) Why questions often assume that we have been wronged. They assume not only that there is a right answer but that the answer involves our victimization, or our wrongdoing. They close off other possibilities. And if there’s only one answer, then there seems to be only one option. This is the kind of thinking that traps us and limits our freedom.
When we live in the question, we’re not focused on finding the answer. We’re opening to the possibilities, finding a way to expand our consciousness to awaken to a broader view of ourselves and the world.
It’s an expansion of our awareness. When we live in the question our focus is not on change or improvement or reaching some ultimate goal. Our focus is on expanding our awareness of what else is possible. Answers contract. Questions expand.
Here are some ideas for starting this practice: You might bring an open-ended Who, What, Where, When, or How question to your meditation practice. Ask this question and pay attention to what you experience physically, mentally, and emotionally. Stay open to the awareness this brings. In another exercise, you can sit in front of a mirror or face a partner. Set the timer for three minutes, and then present the question to your reflection in the mirror, or have your partner ask you the question. Over the set time, stay open to whatever awareness comes to you. After each short answer comes to you, repeat the question.
Another practice is to focus on a question throughout the day. Pick a question the night before or as soon as you wake up. Then live in that question as you move through your day. For example, if today’s question is, “What more is there for me to see?” then throughout the day you will sit with that question. While you’re in the shower, while you’re waiting for an appointment or sitting in traffic, while you’re preparing dinner, you’ll ask yourself the question and see what organically emerges.
I also again invite you to notice if your questions are empowering or disempowering. If you observe yourself asking disempowering questions, you might want to replace them with questions that open you up to more possibilities rather than cause you to shut down. For example, if you have noticed relationship patterns that feel stuck, you might find yourself asking questions like “Why does this keep happening to me?” or “What’s wrong with me?” By making yourself the victim or the villain, these questions will only reinforce your core false beliefs. More empowering questions might be: “What story does this pattern tell?” “What role do I play in this story?“, “What is the truth of who and what I am?” “How can I allow this to move me forward in my life?” Notice how these questions open you up to the infinite possibilities that this situation contains.
When we live in the question, we might still be interested in answers but not in absolute answers. We allow the question to settle deep into our consciousness, and we wait for possible information. We pay attention to all the places the information might originate. The initial awareness might come from the mind and then it might seem to come from the gut and then from the heart space and then from a much deeper place. My hope for you is that, as you live with the question, possibilities will come to you from a greater place, from a place of acceptance, wholeness, and transformation.
Now, you may be ready to move forward and truly make peace with your past. “I am willing to see this differently. I am light. I am love. I am peace.” Keep sitting in silence with that piece of the past, that thing you want to overcome. Open yourself to other questions, other perspectives. Remind yourself that every moment is an opportunity for you to choose to close off or to open to source, to your unharmed and unharmable self. It’s an opportunity to tap into the powerful invisible realm and start the process of bringing it into your life and into the world. You can come home to yourself and experience ever-present wisdom.
