In a time when so many are struggling to experience inner peace, may this be a bit of inspiration that inner peace is possible-especially when we choose mercy and love. “Let me be an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon.
~ St. Francis of Assisi
The following happenings became the soft ground for releasing, discovering layers of love in the roots of things, and creating a non-attached expression of mercy and generosity from the truths in my heart.
Since I left Black Mountain in February, he has come to the main intersection with a Love sign and joined the friends who also hold their Love signs, wave, and smile at pedestrians and motorists who travel through the intersection. The Love signs at the Intersection have been happening since September 2018. I had participated since September of 2018 until I left in February of this year.
This past Wednesday during my visit to Black Mountain, I joined my friends with my Love sign and stood in a different area than he was standing. We saw each other without ever making eye contact as we kept turning in different directions to face oncoming cars, waving, and smiling.
Earlier that same day I received a meaningful, deep healing, restorative massage from a gifted somatic healer, massage therapist, and beautiful soul complete with non-diluted essential oils-“forgiveness” and “higher purpose.” I knew my body was primed for layered release, acceptance of the past, rejuvenation, and the many benefits of a hot stone and firm hands massage. The session organically allowed for an opportunity to speak affirmations including, “I will always love myself.” To have this body in which my soul light can occupy, and personality animate remains such a wondrous gift.
What an experience to have a deep tissue massage of the muscles holding my rib cage which seem to have been working overtime to keep the pieces of my heartbreak from dislodging and forming into a different puzzle shape. I remember, forget, remember that the heart, lungs, rib cage, muscles, and diaphragm work in different, essential ways to allow the blood and breath of life to circulate. And without legs, feet, and a pelvic bowl I would not have a foundation for the breadth and depth of the emotional landscape that is a multifaceted, complicated deeply feeling, beating, loving, braving, grieving heart.
The massage anchored me profoundly in a very calm body and much quieter mind.
As I kept observing him at the intersection, I felt deeply peaceful. I knew I was safe. I even had the thought of walking over and offering him a hug. I know enough by now from lots of practice to ignore the thoughts in my mind and to trust the truth of my feet which remained solidly in my hiking boots and rooted to my spot on the sidewalk.
At 6 pm I noticed he grabbed his sweatshirt from the ground and walked away without ever turning in my direction.
Encounters with a former love can be very ethereal. A person who had been so close to you can become a ghost-like, familiar stranger.
My friend walked with me to my car. She said, “He came up to me and asked me to wish you a happy birthday from him. Lovely.” She smiled. I said, “That was kind.” She said, “Yes, it was.”
During the next two days, I shared so many happy memories of the love relationship with my friend, Ruby. I cried really hard several times. My blathering mind could not keep the ocean wave of feelings from wordlessly wailing out of me.
I cannot think my way out of grief, nor can I talk, talk, talk my way out of grief. I simply must cry, sob, and make all those sounds that despair and anguish make, the sounds of lost and found love.
Together Ruby, and I watched, “Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts.
I woke up the next morning with clarity in the practice of only sending peace and love both to myself and to my former love from a far distance. I composed these words which I sent in an email:
Good morning,
I received your kind birthday wishes. Thank you. Being here in Black Mountain with time to reflect, I apologize for the state in which we left the house where we both lived, after retrieving the furniture we could move. The mess was not aligned with my deepest values and commitments. I hope you can forgive me.
Please consider all items I left behind as gifts for you to be used with love and care, donated, and/or sold as your heart guides.
I wish you enduring inner peace, joy, love, and goodness. I will always love you and remain grateful for your many expressions of love, joy, affection, and caring.
Love always finds ways to love.
Namaste, Laura
