I met my schoolmate. My private school granted him a scholarship because he was an outstanding student. The school hoped that he would do exceptionally well in the general exam and so the school would benefit from its reputation.
My schoolmate told me that this experience ruined his life. This is because he came from a very poor family. Most of the students had wealthy parents. They spent money at school that he could not afford. The rich students bullied him because this is where they felt superior to him. They kept bullying him until he lost his self-confidence.
We lose self-confidence for many reasons. Some are internal reasons and some are due to “importing” them from others. When we allow others to shake up our self-confidence and then we lose control of our lives.
We import self-doubt when we start comparing ourselves with others. Every one of us is unique with different interests, talents, and skills. My strength in one area may be the weakness of another. A flower does not compare itself with other flowers. It just blooms.
We import self-doubt when we allow ourselves to fall prey to the expectations of others. Instead of seeking inner peace, we pursue a losing game and that is pleasing others.
The media is playing an increasing role in losing our self-confidence. A woman looks ugly without using a certain cosmetic is one example of what I mean. Marketing focuses on creating artificial needs for us to satisfy by purchasing certain products. Just think about it. A woman who buys a cosmetic just to make her look beautiful is not a sign that she suffers from self-doubting.
The situation aggravates when we internalize factors leading us to lose self-confidence. Examples include
- Setting unrealistic goals that stretch far beyond our capabilities. Failure to achieve them leads to seeing ourselves as failures. Feelings of incompetence cloud our minds. One negative feelings brings other negative ones such as self-blaming.
- Failing to set boundaries where we allow others to walk in our private spaces. This opens the door for others to control our lives and affect them negatively.
- Perfectionism leads to losing self-confidence. Nature searches for working solutions and not perfect ones. By trying to reach the unattainable goal of perfectionism, we lose self-confidence.
- Stories stored in our minds from the experiences we had with controlling and highly expecting parents. Keeping those negative experiences alive leads to self-doubting and losing self-confidence.
- Negative self-talk is an important factor leading to losing self-confidence.
Negative self-talk has a rippling effect.
Your self-talk determines your thoughts and your thoughts determine your actions.
Negative self-talk leads to negative words, thoughts, and actions. They manifest in words, as I am hopeless, I cannot, and no one likes me, and so on.
It is inside you and the solution is in your hands.
Depression, anxiety, hopelessness, lack of self-love despair, worry, fear, and health problems result from prolonged lack of confidence.
This lack of self-confidence leads to comparison with achievers and deepening of this lack of confidence.
Just see what Edison said about his repeated failures. “Edison did not surrender to thousands of failures. His self-confidence and healthy mindset helped him treat failures as lessons. He said, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Look how positive his words are.
When we indulge in negative self-talk, we mix two issues. Skills we can learn and progress. Instead of learning, we allow negative self-talk to plant in us the idea that we are not competent. We replace a solvable skills problem with the more persistent problem of lacking self-confidence.
This is a great piece, one I am going to share outside Biz if you don’t mind,. I will wait for your okay. This is true in the life of many I am finding in my current 3 year course of Spiritual Direction. As I write my own story yet to be finished, hopefully before the end of next year, I will think of this piece a lot. Thank you!
You honor me by sharing it, Lynn and you have my OK with great pleasure.
Good luck with your writing and million thanks for your constant support.
With Love
As always, an interesting article that helps us understand, through a detailed clarification process, that first of all knowing ourselves and understanding how we orient our thoughts can help us maintain contact with reality and helps us understand whether it is appropriate to change our way of thinking.
Self-esteem is one of the fundamental components for feeling good psychologically, for having satisfying relationships, for being able to set goals and do one’s best to achieve them.
There are certainly some difficulties in regulating self-esteem.
Having high self-esteem can only be the result of a limited difference between the real self and the ideal self. Knowing how to realistically recognize that you have both strengths and weaknesses, working to improve your weaknesses, appreciating your strengths. All this emphasizes greater openness to the environment, greater autonomy and greater confidence in one’s abilities.
In psychology there is a construct that investigates the ways in which we perceive the origin of the events that concern our life: the Locus of Control (LoC).
But another long discussion would be needed here.
You always share your avanced thinking with us Aldo Delli Paoli
I enjoyed your take on self-esteem and its fundamental importance.
“Having high self-esteem can only be the result of a limited difference between the real self and the ideal self”.
This is a key point. Authenticity and self-esteem are related and sticking to values can be challenging making the gap between real self and ideal self wider.
Maybe you would consider writing an article on the Locus of Control. I am sure it shall be interesting if you do.
Again, admire how you think my friend.