Last week, Apple News picked up a story from CNN — “Dog rescued after wandering through Arctic ice for more than a week” — that began like this:
A dog has been rescued by sailors after wandering through the Arctic for more than a week, according to Russian state media. The crew of a Russian icebreaker ship came across the Samoyed deep in the ice fields near the village of Mys Kamenny in northern Russia, state channel Russia 1 reported. Yegor Agapov, the captain of the Alexander Sannikov icebreaker, told the network the dog approached the side of the vessel as it traversed the sparse and freezing landscape toward an oil terminal in the Gulf of Ob.
It was evident to me immediately that some sycophantic dupe at CNN was somehow hornswoggled by The Onion or The Babylon Bee. That’s clearly evident, of course, because if you’ve been following the settled scientists and their hysterical devotees, you know there is no longer any Arctic ice because of global warming, climate change, or whatever the Anthropogenic Blame Game might be calling it this week.
Greta Thunberg could shred this story like tissue paper: According to sources as reliable as Al Gore, there haven’t been any icebreakers (or polar bears) in the Arctic for years. And ice fields? Not hardly. How about sparse and freezing landscape? Are you kidding? The worst that might happen to a dog in the Arctic at this late stage of the planet’s obliteration at the hands of humankind is that the poor pooch might have to pick his way through terrain littered with fallen coconuts and bananas without bruising a paw on a husk or slipping on an errant peel.
If there’s any truth at all to the story, it’s probably something like this: A few do-gooding busybodies who happened to be out for some recreational kayaking in the temperate waters of the Arctic came across a pooch swimming in circles, presumed he was lost, scooped him up, and paddled him to shore.
And if all the joshing about icebreakers, ice fields, and freezing landscape didn’t put the lie to the story, here’s the dead giveaway: According to the CNN report, Evgeny Nagibin, a navigation assistant, said this:
We put out the ladder, by which the dog climbed aboard on its own. Later, with the help of a mobile phone, we established contact with the local population, found the owner of the dog.
First of all, dogs don’t climb ladders. I know this because I have a dog. One of his favorite things to do is to run around with roofing shingles in his mouth. But do you think I can get him to climb a ladder and bring the damn things to me on the roof? Not a chance.
Secondly, if the Arctic comprises ice fields and freezing landscape — and if it requires icebreakers to get anywhere — where the hell does the local population they supposedly contacted by mobile phone live, in ice-fishing tents? If so, how come all the climate hysterics aren’t batshit over all the urine and feces the locals must be leaving all over the ice, to say nothing of all the methane the locals must be farting into the allegedly imperiled atmosphere?
Farts notwithstanding, this story doesn’t pass the smell test.
I haven’t been asked yet what should be done to verify the veracity of this story. But I have two humble suggestions:
- Let’s pry Al Gore out of his mansion, put him in a Speedo, put him on a boat, take him up to the Arctic Ocean, toss his ass overboard, and let him dog paddle around for a while. That should enable us to find out if there’s any ice up there and resolve the seeming contradictions in the Arctic dog story.
- Let’s put Al in a space capsule, blast the bastard out into the cosmos somewhere, and ask him to report back when he finds a planet the climate of which is not dynamically changing as the planet evolves. That should resolve the anthropogenic finger-pointing, the handwringing, the economic shaking down, and the rampant hysteria about climate change.
If we can’t do either of those two things, let’s just let it all go and watch CNN.
It’s much funnier than The Onion or The Babylon Bee anyway.