From my beginning it was understood that I was to need,
And not to be needed!
It was as crystal clear as the evening tides ebb,
As certain as tomorrows dawn,
And winters cold winds blow.
I’d been told,
I’d been showed,
I’d been beaten into believing.
Then my spirit was gone.
“You’re nothing in this life,”
The winds would howl and scream,
“From early morning, into nights darkness and then throughout each day,
Without this father standing here,
Be it twilight or in God’s dawn,
In morrow’s morn unforeseen,
Or worlds still yet to come,
You’ll always fall and fail alone,
Then cry for me,
You see now boy,
I’m morning, night,
Your heaven and hell.
Not a pot you’ll have to pee in boy,
Nor window wide,
Or low enough,
To throw, your stinking pail.”
And then he’d speak, in a quieter manner,
So deep within your eyes he’d stare,
And say these words, of which I hear, each and every day.
“Maybe I should just end this now,
Today, I might just take that leap.”
A shout and threat,
Then a cigarette,
Lighting the evening night crimson,
The smoke in mist, aroma cast,
Darkened shadows slowly pass,
Above small spirits left unknown,
As fear from days, long, lost and hidden,
Turn childhood hearts from bright burning lights,
Love starved souls.
“A long drive down the short west bridge,
To waters deep and dark”, he’d say
“Or maybe a simple temple shot
You’ll find me laid out cold,
And when I’m gone, you’ll suffer boy,
You’ll suffer throughout each dawn,
Always in wonder with thoughts obsessed,
Of what it was you’d done,
To cause this father who you’d loved,
To end his life this way”.