It’s not ok to judge.
I have been judged a lot over the years and it’s a bit sh*t. And I think the worst part of being judged is when someone looks at where you are today and assumes that’s how it has always been. Because it’s not ok to dismiss, to invalidate another’s story – their struggles, their losses, their rejections, and their wounds.
But this happens to people a lot, often fuelled by jealousy, resentment, and disappointment, which is far easier to project onto another, rather than to own it and do something with it.
- I was judged at school by a teacher for coming from a family of feisty, independent girls, perhaps representing all that she was not, and that meant she bullied me mercilessly.
- I was judged at the start of my career for my working-class background, comprehensive school education, and my lack of knowledge of Latin and the classics, resulting in one interviewer taking great delight in using his superior position to humiliate me.
- I was judged in my professional work for being a young, successful female; another male colleague assumed I was his new PA, because the thought of sitting across the boardroom table and being held to account by someone young enough to be his daughter was simply incomprehensible.
- I was judged by my professional female colleagues for daring to become a SAHM and, even worse, become financially dependent on a man. Equally, I was also judged by my female colleagues for climbing the career ladder too quickly and too high.
- I was judged in my children’s playground for my independence and daring to do things my own way, being excluded from coffee mornings, enduring gossiping behind my back, and leaving my children out of play dates to punish me for failing to ‘tow the line’.
- I was judged for not having to work to pay the bills, for having the luxury of a loyal and kind husband, and for being able to live life as I wanted to.
And none of that judgement had anything to do with me. It was always to do with the person dishing it out.
But at times, it really did hurt. And it hurt because getting to where I am today was no walk in the park, it didn’t just magically happen – I made some good choices and some spectacularly sh*t ones, but no matter what, eventually, I always got back up and I always kept going.
It was brutal, exhausting, and painful.
It was also exciting, joyful, and amazing.
And my story matters, all of it, and so does yours. If others are too afraid to write their own story, we must not allow ours to be diluted, dismissed, or derailed.
Celebrate your courage and tend your wounds, but do not allow those who are not in the arena with you, or have never even been in the arena, to have a say in your story, not ever.
With love
Nik x
In real life and in virtual life, the tendency to judge, often in a harsh way, is very strong.
When we judge someone, what we do is stop observing that person: we preclude ourselves from looking at them with openness and curiosity. We prevent ourselves from discovering them, understanding them, comprehending them.
We attribute to them, as if it were an absolute truth, that vision that we have of them in our head, which is most likely both superficial and distorted.
Unfortunately, superficiality and, sometimes/often, incorrectness itself have now become guiding principles of action, fully legitimized, they now dominate unchallenged since, even if we listen to those who are the protagonists of certain behaviors/conducts, they are not committing “anything serious” after all!!! Not only that, it is also a question of a type of dishonesty, always combined with a partiality and superficiality that are – to say the least – unbearable.
We must find the strength to change perspective, reminding ourselves that criticism is not a reality but an opinion and, as such, debatable. It does not concern our identity, but a behavior, which is therefore changeable.