It’s Not About You, It’s Not About Me, It’s About US

When a man and a woman date on a regular basis they get to know each other more and more with each date. As time goes on they both begin to feel that they are meant to be together by way of marriage. For the marriage to be successful and harmonious both individuals must come to the realization that although they retain their characteristics that made them fall in love with each other the fact is they now must think in terms as being one. It is no longer a matter of each person living their own lives separately.

After a while cracks may start to erode the foundation of the marriage. In most cases what happens is the bond those two people shared does not seem as strong. The most blatant cause is communication breaking down. Instead of talking to each other inevitably the couple only talks at each other. Before they know everyday stresses turn into arguments that push the couple further away from each other to the point where divorce becomes a sad reality. A reality neither the husband nor the wife could have envisioned when both joined together to form husband and wife.

If the marriage should deteriorate that the decision to divorce is made by either or both party the blame game starts. Each will stand firm on the position they were right and the other person was wrong. In this childish exercise, nobody except for the lawyers win. Had they stopped fighting long enough to listen to each other there would be no need for the painful legal battle that often ensues. If a marital therapist had been infused chances are (if both husband and wife follow the advice of the therapist)the quality of the marriage would improve.

The biggest losers in these situations are the children who need the love of both parents to help them grow into healthy adults. As a coping mechanism children will act out or play one parent against the other. They become increasingly insecure and often feel as if they are the cause of mommy and daddy fighting. All along what they really want is for the family to stay together. In not so rare cases the children wind up in foster care as the stress in the house due to the ever increasing frequency and elevating angry tones of the fights prove too much for them.

Couples that have been together for many years will tell you there is no secret formula that was used to keep a harmonious and loving relationship. If two people really love each other and desire to be together for the duration of their lives they find a way to make it work. Part of that process is knowing what causes the arguments so as to be able to stop them from happening. Sharing your lives together means you commit to making the marriage work. Never forget you love each other while learning to say I love you as often as possible.

Without love, there is nothing that can keep the couple together. How many times has it been said that both husband and wife have this misguided notion that they fell out of love with each other? While anything can happen falling out of love with the person who was supposed to be your life partner is more of an escape mechanism than anything else. How do you suddenly not love one of the most if not the most important person in your life? Perhaps you have so successfully put a wall in between the two of you that you were able to fool yourself into thinking that is what happened.

Marriage is a commitment you made to each other. This commitment means you are still individuals in your own rights with needs, wants, and feelings but you never lose sight of the fact the strength of your marriage depends on the merging of two personalities into one. In many offices, you will see a sign that reads “there is no I in team. Together Everybody Achieves More.” The first letter of each sentence equals the word team. That is how it should be in a marriage. You are there for each other come what may. Recognize and respect that you each have feelings that have to be strongly acknowledged.

The joy you felt on your wedding day should never be forgotten. Though the years have forced changes in your thinking you need to work on making sure these changes are openly discussed. Don’t stop believing in each other. Take hold of each other while looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. It can almost be guaranteed in each other’s eyes you will see each other as you saw them the day you were married.

Going back to an earlier statement couples rarely fall out of love with each other. In the ensuing days and years, you both changed causing you to believe you no longer love each other. Communication (face to face) as previously touched on is what is missing. Was it always like that for the two of you? If you never were able to communicate your feelings in a gentle loving way it seems there was no basis for this relationship other than physical/erotic sessions.

Interracial or interfaith couples have the toughest hurdles to climb in order to stay together. Right from the word go there are obvious differences in culture. Do you both have the resolve to be able the immense pressure you will face from a world that disapproves of your union? If there are the slightest doubts in your minds perhaps despite your love for each other your knot may easily unravel? Only the two of you can answer this question. You need to honestly answer this question before you wind up in a marital combustion chamber.

Twenty-nine years of marriage taught my wife and me many things we never knew about each other. Through the worst of times we fought, we separated only to reunite as that was what was meant to be. We both knew it but there were times we ignored what was so obvious. Here we stand twenty-nine years later having survived crises after crises with enough stress to break any yoke. We vowed never to let anything or anybody come between us again. The Grandchildren add a new chapter in the book of our life.

So not it’s not about you. It’s not about me but it is about us. May your love carry you through all the tests you will have to endure that will make you both stronger. Two living as one can overcome just about any challenge. Trust me when I say you learn a lot about yourself, your partner and your marriage over the course of twenty-nine years. At each anniversary we smile at each other while laughingly saying ‘I put up with you for all these years’. Yes, we just signed up for another 29 years a couple of weeks ago. We don’t know what challenges lay ahead. We just know we will face them together.


Joel Elveson
Joel Elveson
INDEPENDENT Executive Recruiting By Joel is an "up and coming" Executive Search Firm formed and headed up by Joel Elveson whose visionary ideas, leadership & creativity have brought to life a more "user-friendly" approach to recruiting. His clients and candidates form powerful strategic partnerships that we use to help you. Joel’s Firm offers Permanent, Temporary (case by case), & Temporary To Permanent staffing solutions for all of your Human Capital Requirements. Contract IT/Consultants are available if needed. Above and beyond they are experts (by way of their personal industry work experience) with mortgage, mortgage banking, middle-market banking, accounting, along with many others under the vast financial spectrum of disciplines. Their business goes beyond candidate recruiting as they also train, mentor and develop your internal recruiting staff with an eye towards helping you reduce the cost of hiring. They will also work in areas such as compensation, effective onboarding processes and alike. In other words, their business is to help your business by becoming an extension of you by filling in gaps that cause delay or waste. The recruiting methods employed by Joel’s team are time tested that results in a high rate of successful placements. Joel was trained in the art of recruiting by some of the top staffing industry executives in addition to the best recruiter trainers who to this day drive me to exceed the lofty goals he has set forth.

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    • Time goes by and a couple can start unintentionally taking each other for granted. This article is a reminder of what can happen and what should happen to keep the marriage.

  1. After almost 46 years of marriage, we still rarely argue. We respect one another and enjoy doing many things together, while still allowing the other person to sometimes “do their own thing” as it takes nothing away from us. Although we are pretty different personalities, our love, respect, and trust have seen us through plenty of tough times and traumatic event events which have only strengthened our relationship. I feel sorry for people who do communicate effectively as that is usually the downfall of any relationship.
    Thanks for sharing your advice and insights, Joel.

    • Sandy, The essence of a good marriage is rooted deeply in how well the couple communicates with each other. Love and respect for each other’s differences both go along way to a successful marriage. Marriage takes a commitment from both the husband and the wife. Children no matter what their age can add a lot of stress. My wife and I have been married for over thirty years with ups, downs, joys, and sorrows. There have been separations and reunifications. Yourself and your husband I am sure put in a lot of work to keep both of you together for 46 years. You are both shining examples how a successful marriage works. Thank you, Sandy, for reading my article in addition to your valuable insights.

  2. After 46 years of marriage, I can guarantee that there are no formulas for staying together. 1) take the word divorce out of your vocabulary and don’t consider it an option 2) pray for God to change your heart and bring love between you back into the relationship or make the love there stronger than ever 3) don’t try to change each other and give yourselves the latitude to be different

    Marital counselors provide the tools, it’s up to you to use them – not for a week but for the rest of your life together.

    Mind your moments because they become your memories.

    • Jane, Your comments ring ever so true. As I said in my article only the lawyers win when couples divorce. My feeling about Marital Counselors is they can only help as much as you allow them to. They can’t solve your problems or take sides but they empower you to make positive changes. Thank you Jane for your graciousness in taking the time to read my article in addition to providing thought provoking comment.