Early January is always the worst time of the year. In fact, the first Monday of January is historically known as the most depressing day on the calendar, and this first week has been especially rough on America, with a polar vortex sucking everyone’s souls into its wintery spin.
But a handful of lucky people were granted a reprieve from the January doldrums this week, by winning meaningless, arbitrary awards designed to tell the world that they’ve made it! Sorry. You weren’t one of them. And it sucks. (Don’t worry, neither were we.)