She baptized herself because she realized she could. She realized that all along within her she contained the power to save herself. And so she did.
~Meggan Watterson
My trip to Italy was never about shopping for silk scarves or sipping blackcurrant cabernets on cobblestone streets. Instead, I was drawn to Lake Como and its healing power potential. Just as the waters of Christian baptism symbolize the purification of a newborn from “original sin”, I have pondered my tarnished transition into this world.
Although baptized as an infant in the Catholic church, I identified with dirt and shame all my life having suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a Catholic priest in my childhood. The color white has never represented clean to me. Not when I repeatedly glared at it, wrapped around the neck of the devil.
Dirt. Shame. Evil. Pain. He was a wolf in priest’s clothing.
At the age of 1, I fell into a swimming pool and rapidly sunk towards the bottom. Fortunately, my father was nearby on the deck and jumped in, fully clothed in his khakis and cotton t-shirt, to rescue me. Many years later, as I stood on the shores of Lake Como, I realized it was never going to be all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men. Nor would it be my father again. At this pivotal moment in my life, it was up to me to save myself and put myself back together. From a child of broken chards into a magnificent mosaic; a stained-glass wonder ready to be renewed.
Each of my spiritual support team played an essential role. Katherine, a writer, who graciously served as our host, gathered ferns to form a crown symbolizing new life and new beginnings. My sister Jean, an interfaith chaplain, served as the sacred presider for the ceremony. And Michelle, my cousin, a police officer whose mere presence provided me with a sense of strength and security.
Cloaked in a white robe, to signify rebirth, with the wreath placed on my head, the 3 women formed a circle around me. Each cupped water in her hand and gently poured it over my shoulders while Jean read the divine baptismal blessings.
Upon the final prayer, candles were lit, and the 3 women laid their hands on me to sanctify the sacrament.
As we collected our things, we reflected on the significance of our shared experience. Then, with unadulterated joy, I completed a celebratory cartwheel along the grassy lake shore and commemorated the oh-so-sweet healing of my inner child.
Laura, how very brave of you. My religious experience was different from yours but the shame was no less. Writing a book was part of my healing and also completely changed my life’s journey. Congratulations.
Thank you John for making time to read this piece and for reaching out. I wrote a lot as a kid, kind of my own therapy. Now I feel so uplifted and supported by my fellow writers in BIZCATALYST 360°, I have been allowing the words to flow everyday. Congratulations to you on your book!
Laura, you have endured so much and become so strong. This is beautiful.
Thank you Carol for your continued support and friendship!
Laura and Byron, I can’t help but wonder how many of the clergy grew up with the same trauma as you – and by the church sweeping it under the rug, the pain was passed on – again and again.
WOW!! Talking about empowerment!
Woo Hoo! Thank you Eyra!
Laura,
There is a deep appreciation for your stories that hold a space for healing.
Love that you are truly living your life out loud and sharing the ‘hard stuff’.. it is time for all of us to bring in the light.
Connection and Community are nurtured in this safe space!
Thank you Carolyn! I feel it! Thanks to the wonderful community of writers, and readers and listeners and thinkers and feelers called BizCatalyst I am now writing everyday. So grateful for the ongoing support I feel both as a writer, but even more importantly, as a fellow human being.
Thank you Byron for making the time to read this piece. I, too, felt a connection to the little boy who looked out at the airfield and dreamed. I am so sorry for the suffering you experienced as a young child. As stated in my email to you, I would love the opportunity to discuss your project in greater detail. Please send me an email with dates/times you might be available to talk. Also, your commentary on the cartwheel prompted me to ask Dennis to add it to my story! Thanks again Byron.
Laura: I’d love to have seen that exhilarating cartwheel! I’m very happy for you. The first time I read your writing I sensed a connection of some kind, and now I know what it is: I, too, was abused by a member of the catholic clergy when I was very young, and from that time I’ve been estranged from the church. Reading your piece makes me ponder a project that may be of value to people like us, a collection of stories told forthrightly, with clarity, without apology, and without guilt about how we all navigated beyond the damage caused by those men. It’s just a thought. Hope to see you on the Bench. Thanks for writing.