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In That Moment of Grey …

From the window, she could see the grey pavement of the road as it portrayed her thoughts of grey! The direction of whomever travelled the road as it brought travelers to where they were coming or going. It was the means for which destinations were sought…to those who travelled.. but not to her. It was the harsh association of not knowing where she was going and not knowing where to go, how to get there and at what cost. The lonely tear held back as the fear of a waterfall might follow. She twisted the frown that wanted to be there into a forced smiling grin. She was fighting hard to find herself and it was the hardest of any battle she had ever heard of or lived.

This battle was hard, as she had endured too much. She feels like a shell, empty in the sea.. the overwhelming sea of humanity.

Turning her gaze from the road she felt the anguish of fear and gripping anxiety that always followed. She begged and pleaded for it to go away. Constantly looking for distraction to ease the pain of nothing. Nothing was in her hands. Nothing was in her heart, and nothing was felt by her soul.  She only knew that she was here on the road.  Her only possession was her thoughts. Her heart was robbed of bliss. Her sorrows were overwhelming. She had lived a nightmare and has survived for what?  This she fumbled within her mind! Yes! Within her mind…and whispered to herself… ”Oh, sweet death I fear thee not, but it is my fear that has begot.” Thinking! Always thinking. Trying hard the methods of distraction amid her turmoil. This battle was hard, as she had endured too much. She feels like a shell, empty in the sea.. the overwhelming sea of humanity. There are so many shells and each completely different….but united in the waves of the ocean. Oh, where did she belong?

There is no rewind and there is no stop for time. It is there. It is constant.

It helps for a moment in time…Ahhh? Time!  Yes. It can be the enemy of many and of great value to others. In itself, time has no deadline and yet it sustains a myriad of complexities. It passes with the waves…silently seeking refuge in hope and seldom thanked for. Time can heal or it can kill as we have heard in many acronyms of speech. “This to shall pass”, to comfort the sad and lonely. “Killing time”, so it will pass. “Time heals” or “Time flies”.  Oh so much to offer.  Does anyone really know the time? The perception of time and all its critical meanings of when something of substance is measured.. except..of the person living in the moment called “Now”. The real time. What is now.. then gone and now again, over and over. There is no rewind and there is no stop for time. It is there. It is constant. Its rate is different to each and every one. “The universe has its own clock, and we all have a different time.” #opism

Time seems to take longer when one needs to heal and it slips by faster when one is happy.  Amazing!  Stepping back in a moment of time can help one observe and appreciate its very essence. The lesson of time is being aware that it exists and appreciating what it has to offer.

This woman sitting in a moment of time. Lifting her head she sees the road again…

Flashbacks, history, memories and more. Mixed emotional folds of pain and the soft realization that she was being tortured in the most grotesque of methods…have brought her to this road. The unravelling of suppressed memories began to emit a sense of the torture endured and the timing of not being able to let it out when it happened.  To acknowledge, accept and forgive. To learn and let go. This part she did not know. The time to move out of the fear and onto the road. The road leading to recovery, to hope, to faith and to health in all forms.  It took time to bring her down but she realized now there was time to build herself up again.

Like falling down. You hit the ground and for a split moment in time your brain does a scan of the damage and then decides if you are able to move. This moment is as diverse as the human population. It is affected by the factors that brought you to this fall and measured so accordingly. Every one of us falls differently. It is at this very moment in time, right here…when you hit the pavement that you meet your soul and find hope. if it is there at all. The time it takes is different for all. It is here we don’t really think of it at all.  Eventually, though, it will be apparent, that if you have substance, it really does matter!

It all comes down to what’s inside of you!  How deeply buried or how close to you. The brain will keep looking for a way to get up. It is a problem solver.  It doesn’t know it can’t. It’s just a brain.

The heart beats. The body tries. Thoughts in the mind are the power here. Thoughts are the tools that challenge the brain!  When you hit the pavement, and hit it really hard, right there, that moment, remember this! If you feel the hurt, you can feel the good. A momentary lapse of reason will be at your mind’s door.  Do not let it in!

Searching through her tools she began to panic. What did she need? What did she have? How could she get it? Questioning how to use what she had and why even bother. The overriding power of the negative was to easy to submit to, but the thought of not moving was even more oppressive to her. Thus the two negatives a positive forms. The need for better. The want for better. The passion and determination for better. If it is there, the positive can win even when you think you have no reason to get up. Intervene with words of love.  Arm yourself with words of strength.  Slowly rise and emphasize. You matter!

This woman sitting in a moment of time. Lifting her head she sees the road again… There is a bird fleeting, looking about, fluttering, moving, singing sweetly. It resonates with her… hope.. she smiles and decides its time to travel…..

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Paula Goodmanhttps://www.seekerofthesoul.com/
I am a deep thinker, lover of thoughts, an aspiring writer sharing my words. In sharing, I am caring. I am a member of the human race with an appetite to motivate, inspire, empower and provoke thinking. I am compelled to a vision that we are all here for a reason, life is like a deck of cards... “My cards. My deal. Life is learning the game!” #opism What is OPISM? I have come up with this term as my nickname is Op and they are my own quotes representing a moral doctrine belief system. Thus...Op+ism=Opism. #opism. My professional experience is disbursed across industries from financial services and sales to that of personal and emergency care. As one who has trained and coached, mentored and taught; it has become a passion within to witness and feel joy in the achievement and success of others that I have been associated with. I am a lifelong learner and have created and facilitated various training materials. It is through such experience that I discovered the power of positive feedback in both professional and personal manners. I am self-disciplined, accountable, determined, humble, loyal and adaptive; but above all, I value my integrity! I am a decent human being. It is with my greatest pleasure to share with others the power of positive words.

27 COMMENTS

  1. Welcome to BizCatalyst360, Paula! I appreciate this story of the willingness to move through the darkness to the hope, the bird fluttering. “It all comes down to what’s inside you.” Yes, indeed. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Welcome, Paula. I enjoyed reading your article. It is a lovely piece and one that resonates. I think we are all a moment in life’s timeline, and depending on where we are in life, we will lift our head and see things differently. Yesterday the road may have seen overcast with doubt or grief or sadness, but perhaps today a new light is cast, and sorrow is released. It is thereby enabling us to appreciate the wonder of time and reflect on it thoughtfully.

    • Hi Laura,
      Thank you so much!
      So very true.
      I find that this time in grey is the crucial fine line between mental health and sanity in a way. I think it is right here some lose their grasp…so. Any factors and triggers.. hardships are carried with perceptions…
      Any way..it makes us think! Have a wonderful day and thanks for commenting! Really appreciate you!
      Paula

  3. Hi, Paula Goodman.
    Excellent stuff. Thank you.

    You have illustrated what I have heard so many times from so many people over the last 40 or so years of just plain helping people, mostly by simply listening.

    I would suggest though that happiness CAN be something besides ‘fleeting’, as can peace. As I see it, neither have anything to do with the material world and EVERYTHING to do with the Spiritual world and one’s perception of their life and what they see, hear and ‘feel’ in and of the world around them.

    Just my 0.02.

    You have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

    • Hi Deas, thank oh so much,
      If you mean “fleeting” for the bird..it’s an adjective that depicts how they seem to be looking about here and there…The mere metaphor to resonate that which we look about in our lives.happiness is often looked for and thus missed by many and as you said…not gained from the material but of the spiritual realm. But thank you so much! That’s the beauty of writing something…every reader has their own perception!
      Have a wonderful weekend! Thank you again, Paula

      • Hi, Paula Goodman.
        It seems to me that most people think we can only ever experience fleeting moments of happiness, that when we do experience happiness, it will be only for short periods until something changes and the happiness is ‘gone’.

        I personally consider that I have been in a state of almost perpetual happiness and peace for about the last ten years now. What’s more, I don’t consider that this state depends on anything outside of myself. Rather, it is an internal, mental state as a result of series of choices that I made regarding my life, my material situation (which is NOT well off or ‘comfortable’) and my perceptions of the world around me and my place in it.

        It possibly has helped that I have been engaged in personal/spiritual development for close to 50 years now, which has given me a rather different view of life from most.

        Just my 0.02. Again, thank you for your article.

        You have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

        • Are you enlightened?
          I’m happy that you are happy. This was more of someone who lost the “happy”. Many challenges can be barbaric in nature and leave one to question the actual existence of such a state,,,when they have possibly seen so much cruelty..the article doesn’t really mention happiness…your perception is valued. Thank you!

          • Hi, Paula Goodman.
            I would definitely hesitate to call myself ‘enlightened’ as I am still here so I suspect that I might still have something to learn. But I do hope that I am not much dumber than the average bear.

            41 years ago come late November, I lost my first-born son to leukaemia at age not quite 4 1/2 years. The worst time I had with anything like grief was SIX WEEKS BEFORE he died, on the day that his mother and I were told that all treatments had been exhausted and that he had about 6 weeks to live.

            After that interview, I had to drive two hours back to our then home to pack it up and move closer to the hospital. For an hour and 50 minutes of that drive, I was as angry as hell that our son was being taken so young without a chance to experience life and to learn and to grow. ( At that stage, I had been a ‘sorta’ practising Spiritualist for about 7 years.)

            Ten minutes from home, without the slightest change in my driving and I can still remember the bend on which it happened, I pulled that train of thought up and I asked myself, “With my understanding and my beliefs, WHY am I thinking like this? I know he doesn’t need to be here to learn and to grow.”

            From that moment on, NO anger, NO sadness, NO grief. I have simply celebrated having known him for those short almost 4 1/2 years and the examples of his love and his courage.

            Ten years later, I did pretty much exactly the same thing when my mother died, also of leukaemia, but I did it without the anger this time. I celebrated the start that she had given me in life and the examples of her love and her understanding.

            I have had an almost 20 year marriage and a 10 year de facto relationship, both of which I chose to end because those partners were manipulative, each in their own way.

            I lost my father to a massive heart attack 50 years ago last February and I am now thankful for the lessons that he taught me about honesty and gentlemanly behaviour.

            I hope this may give you some understanding of where I am coming from and how I got to be who I am today.

            Just a part of my 0.02.

            You have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

            • I truly thank you for sharing this with me. You have passed moments of Grey! I am so encouraged by your words. This justifies to me that they exist….but I never really doubted that…we just didn’t know what to call them…or thought we were alone in despair. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and provide comfort in my prayer. It’s what I do to help me to.
              Than’ you!

              • Hi, Paula Goodman.
                Please don’t be sorry for what I have been through. I’m not sorry for any of it ‘cos it has all contributed to me being who and what I am today and I am pretty comfortable with that..

                Yes, I would have liked to have seen my son grow to manhood ‘cos I think he would have been one VERY fine man. All the signs were there but it was not to be and I don’t think that was his reason for being here anyway. I am pretty sure in my own mind that he came into my life for the short time that he did to help me learn some lessons – and he sure did that.

                I count having known him for the short time that I did as one of the true blessings in my life.

                Wotz moor, I don’t consider that I ever really had any ‘grey’ times in my life. For sure, I have seen other people going through them but I never really had any times where I was in any sort of despair

                Just my 0.02.

                You have a wonderful day. Best wishes. Deas Plant.

  4. I truly enjoyed reading this Paula particularly the way you interweave the vulnerability and the thinking. I’d like to add that I no longer find it amazing that ‘Time seems to take longer when one needs to heal and it slips by faster when one is happy’ for the simple reason that healing is never instantaneous while happiness by its very nature is fleeting.

    The golden words in your piece are: ‘To acknowledge, accept and forgive.’

    Welcome to this wonderful platform!

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