I Must Be Getting Old

I never thought that I would see this day; as a child, I remember my father having had a heart attack in his mid-thirties; and subconsciously, it stuck in my mind until one day when around thirty-seven years of age; I realized I had passed one of my milestones, which was to make it past my mid-thirties. And I was still there to tell of it, to live my life, to be the parent and husband that God had meant for me to be.

Throughout my life, I have set many mile markers, some subconsciously, while others with full knowledge, some healthy and some not so much. But with God’s grace and mercy, I’m still here, as some may have imposed on God’s plan for my life, but none could change it.

Now, as I stand here, in the fall season of my life, looking at the coming winter; I see that though unnoticed as it was happening, God and life have changed me. Yes, I admit it; they have changed me, but only for the better. Gone are the headstrong days, rugged exterior, and controlled emotions; they’ve been replaced with feelings I never knew existed.

It’s as though the windows of my heart have been thrown wide open, where once they were closed, though not latched; only to be opened when my heart sensed a need to.

Which, I now know, put so many limitations on my life and the ability to see, hear, and share the beauty that I was capable of realizing.

I now look forward; to the end of each day when just before bed, my wife’s cat jumps up in my lap; stretching out from my lap to my chest, and rolls over on her back, wanting me to rub her chest; then, reaching her front paws up toward my face, tries to touch my cheek as if to say she understands the tears; before using them to pull my arm around her as she snuggles in. While her purrs grow slowly silent, as another pair of tears sneak out and down my cheeks.

Or the morning when, once again, if granted the day, I anxiously await the sunrise and all its wonder and beauty. To watch and listen, as the birds flit in and about the feeders, while the rabbits and squirrels scurry about, dickering on who gets what for breakfast.

And throughout the day, the constant images of beauty, having once gone unnoticed; now seem to leap from the non-existent to the forefront of my world, as a bold type from a page in a novel. While the sounds that permeate my surroundings seem to be filtered, as there are few, if any, disruptive sounds, only adding to the beauty of my day.

Then, as the day wears on and the evening shadows make themselves known, I once again get excited to see another sunset; its exquisite array of colors and shading capturing my mind and heart. While a deep calming peace envelopes me.

Each of these singularly would not give cause for me to suspect anything; but as a group, they lead me to realize that a calming, and comforting thankfulness has awakened within me, one that I’ve never fully experienced as I do now.

Oh, that it could have happened sooner, to have been able to share it with those who’ve meant so much in my life.


Mike Sutton
Mike Sutton
Greetings from M L. Sutton, a born-again Christian and retired citizen of the Great Lakes State of Michigan, currently living in the Northern Michigan town of Cheboygan. A father of two wonderful adult children who also live in Cheboygan, and a husband of forty-three years, before losing my wife to a health-related illness in May 2020.  I began writing in a journal in April 2020, with the words and feelings that I had wished to express to my wife but could not because of pandemic guidelines and her illness. After her demise, I continued to write to vent the hurt, confusion, frustration, and sorrow associated with her absence in my life, culminating with the release of my first book, “To Lose a Soul Mate,” which was published by Xulon Press, and released to the public on September 25, 2022. In losing my wife, God had given me a gift, one that I could share with others, the gift of writing what my heart felt and my eyes saw, as though looking through the windows of my heart. This new gift allowed me the opportunity to see through the pain and grief of losing my wife and to recognize the beauty that had always been around me, but I had not taken the time to fully enjoy, or be thankful for it. I now write for enjoyment, as it gives me a sense of peace and comfort, sharing my material as a Featured Contributor on, BIZCATALYST 360°, The Writers Café, and Dirt Road Storytelling, both on Facebook, while also working on a second book, a collection of writings from both heart and soul; which I plan to have published at a later date.  Before that, I was enjoying retirement with my wife, after having worked for nearly 31 years for the State of Michigan Department of Natural Resources, as a Park Manager in various parks throughout the state of Michigan. 

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  1. Thank you for your condolences, she will be greatly missed; though she has left me with so much.
    Answering your comment, Whereas now entering into my sixty-fifth, I can only wish I had understood them so much sooner. To have been able to open up the parts of me kept closed, to have been able to connect better with those who’ve meant so much in my life. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this, friend.

  2. I am so sorry to hear of your wife’s passing.

    I want to say that your story resonated with me as I think it has a message we all need to hear – “Gone are the headstrong days, rugged exterior, and controlled emotions; they’ve been replaced with feelings I never knew existed.” At almost 70 years of age I wish I had the wisdom to realize the value of those few words.