I Don’t Think I Ever Knew

You know that we all know the twists of fate, mistakes,  successes, failures and all that lay in between that makeup or made up the days in our lives. Piece by piece we try to recreate parts of the past that were highlighted with failure so as to in some way make them never have happened. Life runs by all around us but leaves no trace or hint where it is taking us. We grab hold of Peter Pan’s hands as we fly off into the heavens not really knowing why no really knowing where. I guess that could be good.

There were many things I don’t think I ever knew. Those were things I never knew I was supposed to know that spurned me into doing things I wasn’t supposed to be doing except I don’t think I ever knew that I was supposed to know not to do that which I did. It’s over and done with. Is it though? I am sure there are more things I do not know or know I am supposed to know them.

How am I supposed to know what I am supposed to know but do not know without a healing voice to tell me this is how life works?

It’s okay not to know. One day it may all seek me out and I will understand it all then. I guess that could be good.

Umm…there are so many of you I have come to know even though I have never met you except for the fact we are mutually in a few Social Media Groups. If only there was a way to throw our longing arms around each other through our screens so we can really know each other as beings with forms, feelings, and emotions. Our voices still all too frequently produce audible sounds. I don’t think I could ever have known you anywhere else but all of you look so familiar in pictures. You reached me and touched me even though I shroud myself in secrecy trying so hard not to let anybody get too close to me. The unburied memories I have that are locked away in a mental wrought iron vault purposely reveal little about the Joel the person. I guess that could be good.

I don’t think I knew (until now that is) that pieces of my mind where memories sit have slowly but ever so steadily left me behind. Nobody told me about memories I would cherish or thought I ever knew of them because I never knew I had them as they did not find me until perhaps now. Now came the time when what was clear is now foggy in my no longer so razor-sharp mind to potentially rekindle or reignite what I have missed. You throw a pebble into the brook while astonishingly noticing the circular waves where there to lead us away to a new somewhere or lead us astray as the ripples vanish as if they were never in existence. There is so much I did not know then or certainly not now but the sandglass has turned over yet again perhaps this time for the very last time. I guess (in a way) that too could be good.

There were giants that stood before me blocking my path to knowledge. They tore into all that I learned many years ago but was not relevant for their designs for me meaning I should not be thinking about them. To them little mattered that was outside the realm of their self-created reality especially matters of loyalty to family and faith. Lunch was obsolete leaving little time for it. It took to me that the l learned the ability to work, think, assess risk and eat all at once while making this my work methodology from that time moving forward. A missed call as a missed opportunity for a saIe that could lead to more sales that guess that led to stockpiles of money. I guess that too was good.

As a consequence of all that which I adored (until the money started flowing like fine wine from a bottle) my friends and I took off in directions although she knew where she wanted to be so she left to hitchhike her way through America. I always did miss her. I always find myself missing them. I tried to incorporate my new great career into a long time loyal friend but his drug habit robbed him or his ability to think and create art. Nobody created caricatures better than he did. From the top of the head inclusive of every strand of hair always in the exact position as he had seen it as his creations came to life. I guess that was good.

The snow has begun to fall as was said it would. Each snowflake dances in its own ballet before it gently touches down creating a surreal scene of white. There is almost an unstated romance between a man and the freshly fallen snow. I don’t think I ever really understood snow even when flakes collected on my tongue. Why was there numbing pain when I tried to play with it? A snowman I could not build although I wanted to. I wanted to build a snowman. While making bodily impressions in the freshly fallen snow sent cold waves overtaking my senses as this cold was a biting cold that hung around adamantly disallowing your gloves to revert back to their form and feel. Hot water on your frostbitten fingers drew out more pain. Looking back at the snow that made for temporary hills and valleys of happiness and glee. I guess I suppose that was good.

When it was good it all seemed so good. Good was always seeming to be swept away into a dustpan to be dumped in a garbage pale. What was left were the ashes of the memories from times long since gone. I don’t think I ever knew good was a transient temporary feeling. Feeling good felt good even if it was only for a little while. Fare thee well good. Fare thee well. I think when good comes back to visit with me even for a short while it will be good.

Just as though when you spread your fingers under the running water to let it filter through so must be your heart waiting to let goodness dwell there again. There in the heart is where good and evil incubate. So many hearts pierced through leaving holes for whatever to come in and take comfort. In my heart, there is a need to once again to live with the birds gliding over the salty waters of the ocean while the wet sand massages your toes. This same sea in a fit of uncontrollable anger once tore down the town leaving complete destruction in its wake. What made the sea erupt with anger causing it to seek revenge against anything around it? It is the sea who beckoned the fish, the birds along with the occasional shark to come back. I thought that was good.

Living not in the knowing can be easy as lack of knowledge removes the remnants of hatred. I don’t think I ever knew that but that was good. I never knew if good and evil battled for supremacy nor which one came out the victor if either. Both may be bloodied but unbowed. That too can be good as we need both good and evil to provide a counterbalance to the earth. We must fight for the right of the good while waging war for what is bad yet bad can too be good.

Live on with gusto for life. Soak up and seek out knowledge wherever you may find out. Learn to find out about the workings of things that are working. Never shake your head in disbelief at when you knew you knew something but no longer do. You will need to know what you need to know as the great teachers will teach you and test you in every lesson. We will then understand. I think perhaps looking back into the high-intensity light from a source I would never have known to trust I me myself think that I can believe indeed somethings were known to me although I probably subconsciously chose not to know them.


Joel Elveson
Joel Elveson
INDEPENDENT Executive Recruiting By Joel is an "up and coming" Executive Search Firm formed and headed up by Joel Elveson whose visionary ideas, leadership & creativity have brought to life a more "user-friendly" approach to recruiting. His clients and candidates form powerful strategic partnerships that we use to help you. Joel’s Firm offers Permanent, Temporary (case by case), & Temporary To Permanent staffing solutions for all of your Human Capital Requirements. Contract IT/Consultants are available if needed. Above and beyond they are experts (by way of their personal industry work experience) with mortgage, mortgage banking, middle-market banking, accounting, along with many others under the vast financial spectrum of disciplines. Their business goes beyond candidate recruiting as they also train, mentor and develop your internal recruiting staff with an eye towards helping you reduce the cost of hiring. They will also work in areas such as compensation, effective onboarding processes and alike. In other words, their business is to help your business by becoming an extension of you by filling in gaps that cause delay or waste. The recruiting methods employed by Joel’s team are time tested that results in a high rate of successful placements. Joel was trained in the art of recruiting by some of the top staffing industry executives in addition to the best recruiter trainers who to this day drive me to exceed the lofty goals he has set forth.

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  1. Thanks to Dennis Pitocco’s having posted this on Facebook, I finally caught up with this piece today, Joel. I’m sorry it took me so long.

    You could have called this essay Life. It’s exactly that, all of it — memories and their loss, knowledge and its value (or lack thereof), sadness, happiness, belonging, abandonment, prosperity, disaster. It’s an explication of yin and yang. And through it all, your aching humanity is palpable. The ability to share that, to be able to express it, is a gift.

    Thank you for sharing your gift with us.

  2. Memory is essential in the lives of all of us: a person would not be what it is if it did not have the memory of what was. In fact, it contributes to the construction of our identity, reminding us who we are, where we come from, what we like and more. Thanks to the memory know, for example, that certain situations are to be avoided while others are to be found. We are born with a certain character, with predispositions and inclinations that are part of our genetic make-up: everything is influenced by the family in which we grow, the people we meet, the experiences that we live, the places that we frequent. And if it is true that the environment in which we live influence us, it is also true that, in our turn, we can influence what is around us ………… if we are aware of our origins and our values.

  3. Joel, you have such beauty in infusing heart in your existentialism that is our existentialism too. You could not have chosen a better song than ‘Slip Slidin’ Away’ to evoke the wonder of memories that will always haunt us even if we choose (consciously or unconsciously) to add or subtract more layers to them. I find the way they grip us and the way we cling on to them very much a rendition of our eternal becoming and eventual vaporisation- like peeling away the layers of onions and ending up with a void rather than a seed. And yet it is not just a void for the flavour and pungent aroma are real indeed.

    • Noemi, thank you for your very kind words. I must admit the style you employed to write your comment was nothing short of amazing.

    • Larry, many thanks to you for both reading and commenting on my article. I just don’t believe in nor am I capable of forgetting my personal pad5 and of our beloved country. I one read a statement (I don’t remember who wrote or said it) that said something to the effect that those who forget the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat themselves. This I imagine is applicable to many people.

    • You will always know when I type on my phone due to the spelling and grammatical errors that stare out at you.

  4. What a great article, Joel. Memories are a bit mysterious – at least in the neuroscience world. It’s funny what we choose to remember and what we subconsciously disregard. Thank you for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it.

    • Melissa, your comments made me pause and think due to the fact they make pure sense. Thank you as well for letting me know you enjoyed reading my article.

  5. Joel – Memories – they haunt us with moments of sheer joy, situations that bring fear and heartache, experiences that surprise us, and most importantly, shape our character and personality in more ways than we care. Heartwarming, my friend, as always.

    • Thank you, Len, for your very astute comments. I wholeheartedly agree with you about memories as they in their own way hold incredible power.

    • Thank you, Joanne for your very kind words. This was very thoughtful of you. I look forward to more of your articles.

    • Thank you, Joanne, for your very kind words not to mention the time you took to read my article and post your comment.

    • Thank you, Lynn, for reading my article not to mention your very kind comment. One of these days (in all seriousness) I hope to be able to see or understand what others do in my articles.

  6. another heart-tugging story, Joel. I think you expressed emotions and feelings that many of us have experienced in some form or other over the years but you express them so beautifully. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & memories.

    • It is always a pleasure (not to mention the knowledge or ideas I pick up) to read your articles as well. I am very impressed by the wealth of knowledge you possess.

    • Despite the forecasts yesterday that called for several inches of snow at most we got a little bit more than a dusting. New York can be a nightmare after a few inches of snow. The New York City Sanitation despite all the technology we have now still cannot get rid of snow. They make piles of snow on the corners so if you want to cross the street you have to climb over the mountains which can be a couple of feet high. If you park your car on the street you may find your car buried almost up to the roof. Some car owners can’t get their cars dug out until the Spring or if we have a few days where the temperatures go into the high 40’s or low 50’s. We need some cold, icy or snowy days to kill off mosquito larvae that hide in the Winter. They develop into full-grown mosquitoes in the late Spring and take to the air. Mosquitoes can transmit disease or viruses (i.e. West Nile Virus) from the blood they take from others they have bitten.

    • For as long as can remember this is the way snow removal has been handled. Of course, after they finish burying everything they can’t pick up garbage. I could live in a nearby suburb of New York City but I would not want to live far away from New York. This has been home all of my life.

    • I guess there are just some things that we cannot do much about so have to accept it and live with it. Shame, I guess.

    • We built the internet, cellular communication sent up satellites made electric cars but New York City still can’t figure out how to plow snow without making mountains or burying cars. If they plow they can’t pick-up garbage even after the roads are clear. They excel at putting down salt on dry roads.