How Will I Know if My Charisma is Working?

–The Charisma Chronicles: episode #8 of 10

Okay, you’ve been learning about Charisma for 7 episodes so far. You’re starting to grasp the key concepts and maybe you are even starting to take some of what you learned and apply it to new or existing relationships.

First of all, let me say, “Bravo!” It takes a lot of courage to try something new and risk failing or looking foolish. I admire that immensely. Pat on the back: DONE! Now let’s get back to work.

So let’s say you are making a shift to get into the right state of being, which is a relaxed one. You are sensing what is needed most emotionally and you are delivering it to the person. Or at least you think you are doing all these things.

You may be wondering at some point, “How will I know if it is working?” Great question! Allow me to share a piece of Charisma Technology with you.

The Charisma Barometer (a.k.a. the 3 L’s)

There are three telltale signs that you are making an emotional connection with someone and moving them emotionally to a good place..

  1. The Lean

    When you are deeply connecting to someone, you’ll notice an almost imperceptible movement of their body towards yours. Not a Leaning Tower of Pisa type of lean. It’s more subtle, but if you look for it, you will notice it. They will not necessarily invade your socially acceptable personal space, but they will move closer to you than where they were before. This sort of shift, as well as other body language “tells” speak volumes and way more than words.

  2. The Laugh

    This need not always be a literal laugh. Think of it as a lightening of the soul, playfulness, or an increase in joy. Note this can happen even while dealing with totally serious and grave matters and connecting and staying serious. There is a feeling of unburdening because you are now sharing a burden together. And of course, a literal laugh during a more light-hearted interaction is always a good sign.

  3. The Look

    A person’s lips can lie, but it is a lot harder for their eyes. Where a person’s eyes are focused show where they are focused. If they are looking at you, this shows engagement and focus on you and the connection you are developing. If they are looking somewhere else or seem to be lost in their own thoughts, you are not connected or are losing them. Now here’s something amazing I just noticed the other day! When you are having a great interaction and your charisma is strong, when you part the other person will sort of slightly look up, then give a little head bob (like after you just had a great meal or dessert). This is a telltale sign that you just had a really great interaction. They are thinking something to the effect of, “WOW, that was a surprisingly great interaction. Who is that person? And why can’t more people be like that?”

The best thing about charisma is the effect lasts way beyond the moment it was generated. You will remain in their thoughts long past the time you are no longer in physical proximity and they will be drawn to you. Make no mistake, what you gave them is so rare in this world. We all seek that sort of bond. It is intoxicating.

Now go forth and use your new power responsibly!

Joe Kwon
Joe Kwon
JOE, the Connection Counselor is the host of the "Why It Works" podcast and author of the "Unlock Your" series of books. Whether coaching busy professionals or inspiring audiences, his goal is to help you unlock the best version of yourself. A student of Aikido, self-help book junkie, and shaved head proponent, Joe spends magical summers at Hogwarts and dreams of kokyunage. He is the founder of JoeKwonJoe Coaching, which focuses on teaching universal principles through embodied learning. Joe holds a B.A. in psychology from the University of Virginia, a J.D. from Georgetown University, and lives in New Jersey with his family. Joe’s first book, Unlock Your Charisma includes a ground-breaking definition of charisma that finally reveals the actual mechanism that generates charisma. If you can’t explain how something works, you can’t get more of it! Read more about it in his ThriveGlobal article: How to Develop Charisma — for real.
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Jeff Ikler
Jeff Ikler

Joe — Curious here about “the lean.” Since much of our interactions these days is virtual, what are some positive signs of the virtual “lean”? For example, I’m responding to your article. I’m not just clicking “like” or “clapping,” I’m attempting to take the conversation slightly deeper by asking a question that goes beyond what you wrote. Is that an example of the virtual “lean”? Keep writing, my charismatic friend!

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