I write because it’s therapeutic for me. When I’m very troubled, I often sit down to write out my thoughts, and figure things out as I go, as I’m doing now. I try to weave in lessons or concepts I harshly learned that help me get through my troubled times, so that others can learn from my mistakes. I don’t have a lesson or concept here. This is not a lesson in leadership or a story with a moral. This is me trying to make sense of the world.
Many friends have said I wish I could spend a day in your head, and this is just a day in my head, a really tough day…
Being a people manager is tough but rewarding. Hearing someone tell me how a lesson we worked through helped their life, is the greatest feeling I’ve had at work. I’ve dealt with interesting issues as a manager, from de-escalating a terminated employee, to family health emergencies, to welcoming new life into the world. They have all challenged me in interesting ways. Recently, my group experienced layoffs, and I found what I hoped to be the lowest low I will experience as a manager. The day after the layoffs, the atmosphere was charged with a raw intensity. The other managers in the group came in early so that the desks could be cleaned out and personal items could be returned to friends we wouldn’t see at work that day. It was tougher than I imagined it would be. As I was trying to politely clean out a lab coat in a common area, someone came by and said “hi”. I sucked it up and waved back and said “hey”. I literally sucked back the tears and the snot from my runny nose into the back of my throat, and I got that funny taste you get when you do it. I can’t explain what it tastes like, but we’ve probably all had a similar experience. For a reason I can’t explain, I immediately thought of a story from a very influential book I read.
To give some context that you might think of as spiritual, behavioral, or just coincidental… “On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace” written by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman and Loren W. Christensen, was recommended to me by the most influential person in my life, James. I really struggle to understand why people do what they do, but I desperately want to know. Because of that, I read a lot of books about emotional intelligence, behavioral economics, and neurobiology. I never would have had the thirst to read those books if I hadn’t read “On Combat” first. On Combat is what showed me people do many unpredictable and predictable things when stressed to their max. Sometimes when the extremes of concepts are explained, it makes a previously abstract concept much more understandable and logical, at least it does for me.
It was a pivotal book that changed my perspective on the human condition and my world, and it led me down a path of immense passion that is directly responsible for some of the highest highs in my personal and professional life.
In the book, there’s a story that I recall. It’s been a while since I’ve read it, and I’m too raw to revisit it right now, so my recollection might not be entirely accurate. The story centers on a rookie police officer navigating the typical highs and lows of his job, perhaps with a bit less hubris than one might expect. A veteran told him real combat is like a rare fruit that few have tasted. The rookie asked, “How does it taste?” and the veteran responded with, “You have to taste it for yourself.” The taste was a result of physiological response to a deadly/stressful event. Nothing I experienced was anywhere near as bad as a deadly event. I live a privileged life in an air-conditioned building. I’m not comparing myself to the officer, I’m more saying it was an extreme version of what I went through, and it crystallized a concept for me. Some call it the “Rare fruit” or “How does it taste” allegory. In that tiny area with the lab coats, my body had a physiological response to the stress from all that happened leading up to removing a friend’s nametag from their lab coat to give to their manager. I was lucky enough to enjoy many of the highest of highs and now I’ve felt my lowest low as a manager. People have told me being a manager is tough. I guess I now know how it tastes… I sucked it up and continued to clean up the area so that my colleagues could hopefully have a slightly less painful day. It was a rough day made more confusing as people thanked me for my leadership. At the time, I was confused and tried to be appreciative, but I just felt guilty all day. Looking back, I was probably experiencing survivor’s guilt, and I genuinely hope my lack of response or confusion didn’t offend anyone. I was not the best version of myself that day and a few days after.
After many days of introspection, I started returning to a new and hopefully humbler normal for myself. I’m lucky to have such a supportive network. I reached out to many people, and many reached out to me. I’m extremely lucky to have had a mentor like James. Many of us were. He taught me very early on that true leadership will not be pleasant or easy, but it might be worth it if you can handle what most can’t. I never thought I could actually be in a leadership position and the reality of people thinking of me as a leader is still hard for me to believe. I have a great friend, Carrie, who always helps me to logically work through my emotions. I think she could tell my head was not in a good place, and after taking in what I felt, she eloquently said, ‘This moment will be a part of your decision-making for a very long time, and you’ll do great things”. She said exactly what I needed to hear, and I mean that literally. This memory will guide my future decisions, for better or worse for the rest of my life. I wish I could ask James what he thought about me as a leader, but then I cringe knowing how disappointed he’d be for asking. I genuinely hope I will do great things. I have great goals of making the world a better place. I think I can handle OR suck it up it for a little while longer.
I welcome further discussion,
Mike
