COLOMBO (AFP) — Sri Lankan police arrested an astrologer after he predicted a planetary change this month will be inauspicious for parliament and the government may not be able to arrest rising living costs – a prediction already made by private economists … Sri Lankan politicians take astrology seriously and most have their own personal seers who decide the auspicious times to launch any new program or work.
Following Sri Lanka’s lead, I’m pressing charges against my astrologer, Madame Beluga, for unreasonably favorable predictions. My attorney characterized my case as feeble, but I think it’s his way of telling me it’s a lock. He also said it would be precedent setting. He didn’t specify the nature of the precedent. But I remain eternally optimistic.
Most compelling, my attorney said, “Tell your story walking,” which tells me he thinks we can try the case successfully in a number of jurisdictions, commanding large sums for punitive damages in each, to say nothing of the fact that I was triggered by my horoscope. Triggering may not be an indictable offense yet. But it likely will be by the time my case gets to court. Bolstered by all this good news, I’m enthusiastically anticipating my vindication and — with the luxury the judgments will afford me — taking the rest of my life off.
According to Madame Beluga, this is what’s in store for me:
This will be a fantastic month — just your cup of tea! It will give you a much-needed change of pace. Fun, time for romance and friends, attention to home-related projects, important developments in regard to work assignments, and even time to go to the gym to get fit will be possible now. Where do I start? Your cup overflows!
First of all, I don’t drink tea. The tannic acid gives me agita and turns my irises from a peaceful hazel to a kind of corroded orange. I don’t mind it. But it makes my pet goldfish, Steve, swim frantically in circles in his bowl until he creates a vortex that pulls all of the mystic crystals to the surface. When that happens, I have bizarre dreams in which I’m floating around and encountering all kinds of weird people, most of whom seem to have a kid with a sweet tooth. And fudge is getting so expensive!
Second, I don’t need a change of pace. I’ve read “The Tortoise and the Hare”. I know slow and steady wins the race. Besides, all that stopping and starting would make my indigestion worse. I don’t understand why I just can’t relax for the month. My Zen Master says doing nothing is the essential practice of Buddhism. That’s why Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree and vowed not to move until he answered the age-old question: Why do union employees — most of whom aren’t Buddhists — do nothing?
Third, how will I have time for fun, romance, friends, home-related projects, and work assignments if I’m constantly changing pace? The very idea of trying to cram all that into one month exhausts me. How will I get it all done if I’m not going full-tilt, at least 16 hours a day, including weekends? I’m not sure I can handle that much fun. Is there really all that much wrong with what I’m doing now? How can I be enjoying myself so much, getting so much accomplished, and still be such a miserable failure?
Fourth, why do I have to go to the gym and get fit? I’m well within the guidelines of The President’s Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition. I can drop and give you 50 any time you want. I can do 100 squat thrusts, even though no one other than this guy has done any since Charlie Byron made us do them in seventh-grade gym class. And I don’t care what the President thinks of my physical fitness. That dude doesn’t even know where he is. Are you kidding?
Finally, I don’t like the idea of my cup overflowing, especially if it’s full of the tea I don‘t drink. I don’t expect Madame Beluga to be on top of everything, let alone personal-injury and product-liability law. But hasn’t she heard of the McDonald’s coffee case? Is she seriously suggesting I put a cup of hot tea between my legs? That’s not only dangerous, it borders on sexual harassment. And if she wants to sexually harass me, can’t she come up with anything better than scalding me with tea? That’s a pretty warped way to get your kicks if you ask me.
My complaint should be heard in the next 60 to 90 days. I hope it will debunk this silly astrology mumbo-jumbo once and for all. Since I have every expectation of favorable verdicts and financial windfalls, I’m already drafting charges for future litigation against my palm reader, my Tarot reader, Uri Geller (for ruining so many perfectly good eating utensils), the Amazing Kreskin (on general principles), and the woman who’s going to read the leaves in that cup of tea I might have to put between my legs.
You can’t be too careful, you know.
