I recently downloaded a free Gin Rummy app on my iPhone. Because it’s free, there are ads between most rounds and between all games. One of the ads that runs most frequently promotes Keto Gummies and features Kelly Clarkson.
Kelly Clarkson is a nutrition and weight-loss expert, of course, because she won American Idol, because she has a successful recording and performing career, because she has her own TV talk show, because even though she makes kajillions of dollars she was able to keep their Montana property in her divorce from her hapless husband, and because we love to lend credence to celebrities and other nitwits. Aside from all that, one of the reasons for which we’re supposed to take Kelly seriously is that she allegedly lost 95 pounds in three days by eating Keto Gummies. (Please see the before and after photos below.)
Images in the public domain via Wikimedia Commons.
Cursory internet searches indicate Keto Gummies contain green tea, green coffee bean extract, caffeine, apple cider vinegar, vitamin B12, and ketones (acidic compounds produced by the liver when it breaks down fat for energy). We’re supposed to believe the ingredients — especially the ketones — will break down as much fat for us and give us as much energy as they did for Kelly Clarkson. And we’re supposed to believe —while we ignore the fact that Keto Gummies also produce other healthy results like GI distress, constipation, nausea, and increased blood pressure — we might also end up winning American Idol, having successful performing careers, getting our own talk shows, fleecing our ex-spouses, becoming celebrities, and acquiring all the credibility that comes with celebrity status.
The Good News
If the ingredients and side effects of Keto gummies may not have been as positive as some might have hoped, there is some positive news: Dentists enthusiastically endorse Keto Gummies for a number of reasons:
First, while Keto Gummies are marketed as sugar-free, they may still contain alternative sweeteners like artificial sweeteners or stevia that contribute to oral health issues, such as tooth decay. Second, the acidity in Keto Gummies from ingredients like apple cider vinegar erodes tooth enamel like Coca-Cola strips rust from an old bolt. Third, dentists would caution patients with pre-existing gum disease or other oral health concerns about chewing Keto Gummies, but they love to send new patients to their periodontist pals. In short, dentists love Keto Gummies because they’re great for business.
The other positive news is that, depending on your sources, the market size for Keto Gummies is projected to be between $21.4 billion and $51.1 billion by 2030. I haven’t worked out the unit pricing for Keto Gummies, but I’m pretty sure that’s a shitload of them, perhaps even a boatload. And news like that would make people like Charles Ponzi, Bernie Madoff, Joe Biden, and Elizabeth Holmes very happy if they weren’t already dead, nearly dead, or in jail.
Superfluous aside: When my son, Sean, was little, he said, “Dad, how many shitloads are in a boatload?” I told him I didn’t know. I still don’t.
Look. If you have to chew something, skip the Keto Gummies, okay? Find some Teaberry gum instead. It might not make your singing as good as Kelly Clarkson’s. But you’ll have your own cool dance.
