God – Who Took The Lard?

Soooooooooooo, I’m standing over my before the war to end all wars, the big WW11 made by General Motors cooking range frying  ‘The New World Order’ water infused bacon this morning.

Stove still works fine. It has never taken a day off in all these years, needed a repair person, or in today’s terms a technician.

I got to thinking, GOD the bacon is shrinking and you have to fry up so much of it to have a bite or two that even my sweet Bishon ‘Braveheart’ prefers those organic beggin’ strips from the pet store. Braveheart, I’m thinking has become smarter than most people a great deal of the time with their food choices.

Time is traveling by and my nice planned homemade bacon, egg and pancake breakfast is turning into brunch or as my husband calls it, beggs’ and acoh’ breakfast.

In the old days, when my stove was new, people in my neck of the woods all enjoyed a nice Breakfast, Dinner and Supper. Today we have in this new age of knowledge a more refined version of breakfast/brunch, and dinner. I did not capitalize them since they don’t count for much these days in my way of thinking anyway.

The sleepy heads are still snoozing toward brunch so I decided I would ask God a question.

God what has happened to Lard? I miss lard for frying chicken and cooking collard greens and such and I miss bacon you know the kind I’m talking about God?  The big thick slices of bacon cut from a hunk of side pork wrapped in cheesecloth hanging on a hook in the smoke house on the family farm.

It was called side pork back then and one actually knew the hog it came from. My goodness when frying up a pound of the good stuff it took an entire platter the size you would put a turkey on for Thanksgiving to hold it all not this little crapper of a desert looking plate I’m forced to use these days just to make less look like more. Well, the package that it came in didn’t actually say pound, I confess it said twelve ounces. Are you listening God?

God where did the Pound go, it’s a need to know as I stand here in front of my wonderful old made by General Motors cooking range ? Today a pound has become twelve ounces don’t ya’ know.

God what’s with Eggs these days? They are all egg whites and have tiny little yolks. I like my eggs with big yolks you know the kind I’m talking about God The eggs laid from hens that eat bugs and such. The egg carton says from free-range hens; but God you and I know the poor little girls are free ranging in cages with something called a pellet for food. It must be very scary for the hens especially if they saw that movie “Solent Green”.

God what has happened to our Milk these days? Where has all the grassland gone God for the cows to graze?

The only thing that round-up hasn’t killed is the ragweed that makes me sneeze. Poor cows are all locked up eating Monsanto grown corn and strung out on extra hormones and such wishing they could all have been born buffalo and living somewhere in the black hills of South Dakota. If I were a milking cow that’s what I would be thinking God.

Now God what’s up with the Flour these days?

When I was a child God the wheat grew up to my pappy’s shoulders come harvest time. Boy o’ boy, when he took it to the mill for them to grind it for him it was real sacks of flour he brought home to meet all the families baking needs. It was grand back then God before the wheat met the laboratory scientists who made it grow shorter than my grandmother’s knitting needles in the so-called effort to feed more of us folks.

I’m here God in front of my Frigidaire made only by General Motors cook range with the big four burners and the warming drawer, the large oven and the bottom you pull out to store your cast iron cooking pots,  pans and such.  Are you listening God?

Hello Child this is God speaking!

“I can tell you what you need to know but first you must leave now and go to the nearest restaurant chain serving breakfast by various names such as the grand slam all you can eat breakfast/brunch. Don’t forget to get the hash browns with all the toppings, order eggs, bacon and the all you can eat pancakes.”

“Child make sure you get several orders of any assortment of petroleum-based corn syrup infused glazed fruit toppings of your choice. Have them put on extra of the chemically treated real artificial whipped cream topping.”

“Do these worldly things Dear One, and I’ll see you soon and tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

“Oh, by the way Child I’m glad you kept your wonderful old cook stove. Not many have a cook stove like yours you know! If you would like to stay a while longer upon the earth visiting with me over your wonderful old cook stove, leave your near the city swamp infested man-made forest and return to the valley of your birth. Set your hand to the good earth and once again begin planting the seeds I gave to humankind in the beginning.”

Live long and prosper!!



ps: “ I’ll call for you up here when I’m ready Child but for now consider yourself still under construction!”

Pass the Knowledge On!


Arlene Switzer Flynn
Arlene Switzer Flynn
ARLENE retired from a long and extraordinary career in real estate, both residential and commercial, followed by ownership of her own mortgage broker company. She is a member of Who’s Who for Executives and Professionals in America. She returned to her ‘”forest” with thoughts of retirement, and a new love entered her life – writing. Her first novel “Buzzard’s Glory” hit the market running, and the sequel is hot on its trail. She also writes short stories of humor, old sage advice and inspiration.

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