Whenever people talk about how they feel about any subject, it always comes down to one thing — OPBS (other people’s bulls**t). I always say that how we deal with our own bullshit determines how we perceive other people’s bullshit. I have written a few blogs about this subject and have given many workshops on ways to deal with both our own emotional baggage and the drama brought to us by others. At the core of my teaching is the understanding that the talk in our heads determines everything in our lives. It determines who we associate with, how we communicate, how well we work with others, how destructive we are, what careers we choose, how we spend our money and a million other things.
I think the most valuable thing you can teach children is to love and respect themselves, but you cannot teach what you do not know, just as you cannot give what you do not have. Most adults simply don’t have the resources or the skills. We all have areas in our lives that run smoothly for the most part, but there is always something that crops up that serves to remind us of where our thinking is broken. Most people go through life without ever trying to mend their broken thinking. They remain unaware or unwilling to change, holding others responsible for their own happiness. Why on earth would you expect someone else to be responsible for how you feel? Your feelings are your own.
There are no broken people. There is just broken thinking.
If someone said something that offended you, they may have been a little too blunt and insensitive, but the only thing that causes anyone to actually be offended is the perception that the other person was ill-intentioned. Now, how do you know what anyone’s intentions are if you cannot read their minds? Sorry, you don’t just know. You cannot know. It is the talk in your head that told you to be insulted. That inner dialogue said you were being chastised, made fun of, bullied, or whatever. When your inner story is a positive one, when you feel really good about who you are, you can do a reality check rather quickly and easily. The truth is, insults are never personal. They are always about perception; both your perception of who you are and the aggressor’s perception about who he/she is. People who feel good about themselves, don’t ever need to attack anyone, and they are never deeply bothered by things other people say or do. It’s really as simple as that.
So, how do we gain more self-love and self-acceptance?
Being uncomfortable is part of our human learning and creative experience. Sometimes our discomfort is emotional, sometimes it is physical.
Understand that discomfort is the hallmark of our humanity. Discomfort serves us as long as we are open to leveraging its power. We, humans, create through our emotions and experiences. Throughout all of time, humans have faced difficulties, leveraged difficulty to create a desire for something different and then came up with a solution. Then that solution gave rise to another problem which launched another desire, etc. That’s how we are wired. For example, one of the earliest difficulties in human history gave rise to the creation of fire for warmth, since then, difficulties have caused us to create a gazillion things to make our lives what they are today. Being uncomfortable is part of our human learning and creative experience. Sometimes our discomfort is emotional, sometimes it is physical. It really doesn’t matter what kind of discomfort we are in. It always serves as a place to jump into some sort of expansion, be it intellectual, physical, spiritual or emotional. We can either choose to grow and expand positively or not. That is our nature, so don’t beat yourself up over being in an uncomfortable place. Use it to gain clarity about what you want and what you need to do to get it.
Learn to appreciate your quirks. Banality isn’t really anyone’s style. It is the by-product of trying to eliminate growth opportunities by maintaining the status quo. It is what happens when people focus on what others will think or say about them as opposed to allowing themselves to be the full creative geniuses they really are. People who are unwilling to challenge themselves are not happy people. I daresay they are unhappy because they are defying their true human nature. The degree to which you fit in is really only an indication of your willingness to be like others. Quirky people who don’t care what others think get called geniuses and change the world. I have to tell you, we are all geniuses, baby! Unfortunately, we don’t all recognize the existence of our inner genius because most people expect us to stifle it.
You can never stop being you. Your spirituality embodies the higher qualities of love, joy and well-being.
Stop defining yourself by external factors. You are not your education, your job, your heritage, your upbringing, your past experiences, your mistakes, your marital status or any of the things that make you want to get up in the morning or jump off a bridge. You are a spiritual being with no beginning and no end. Your physicality had a beginning and will have an end, but your essence is energetic and is eternal. You can never stop being you. Your spirituality embodies the higher qualities of love, joy and well-being. That is the essence of who you are. You are a spiritual being who set out on a journey to create in this physical world and you are part of the natural expansion of the universe. Our world expands every moment and we are all a part of that perfection. Every thought, every idea, every action contributes to the greater expansion. You are an extension of all creation and you are perfect. There’s nothing better than that.
Decide to love all of who you are, anyway. If you do nothing else, do this. Even if you feel that you are not enough in some way, decide to be okay with who you are and focus solely on your positive attributes. It takes time and dedication to change the talk in your head, especially if you’ve endured years of emotional abuse. I know for sure that it is absolutely possible to do, however. I’ve done it for myself and I do it with my clients all the time.
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This is such a great piece, Renee. I’ve often referred to my inner critic as my worst best friend. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to take a step back and think about the way I’m talking to myself. Would I talk to anyone else like that? I can be pretty hard on myself and I know I’m not alone.
“Being uncomfortable is part of our human learning and creative experience. Sometimes our discomfort is emotional, sometimes it is physical.”
I’m learning that self-care is not selfish, and loving yourself means loving all of you. Thank you for sharing your insights here. They really resonated with me today!
Very happy to hear that, Melissa.
This is brilliant, Renee. I love your point about “discomfort” and challenging one’s self. So many people are held back due to their fear of how they’ll be perceived by others. I say “screw that!” Thank you for sharing. Thanks to you, Dennis, as well.
Much appreciated!
Fascinating topic Renee. “Stop defining yourself by external factors” is probably my favorite section. Don’t live by the label. People seem to pick and choose categories for how they present themselves. We live in a time where people are conditioned to compare themselves to others, to find groups or tribes of people in which they can shout into a canyon. Yes, the validation factor, the confirmation bias, all of that which feeds our ego… keeping up with the Jones’s… We all do it, whether subconsciously or blatantly. We are constantly sniffing out the bullshit of others and professing our own. Anyone who claims otherwise probably don’t know themselves very well, or at least they haven’t been shown a proper mirror. A great article, I love the way you write, no bullshit!
Thank you. I’m very please you enjoyed it.
Renee, you and I have a lot in common in how we view the world and work with clients. I appreciate you! I’m curious if you have encountered Voice Dialogue (created by Hal and Sidra Stone). That has been an invaluable tool for me in working with the “voices in my head.” Thanks for all you do.
No, I haven’t heard of them. I will look them up. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hi Renee, What a wonderful AUTHENTIC expression of yourself. I applaud you for addressing this important issue of how we operate. I especially agree with your statement “We can either choose to grow and expand positively or not. That is our nature, so don’t beat yourself up over being in an uncomfortable place. Use it to gain clarity about what you want and what you need to do to get it.” I do not believe people are broken and cannot be fixed either. We have been taught that people can be broken. It is this mentality that has created the prison system we have the in United States that cements this idea into the social psyche and damages people’s lives permanently. The fear of being unaccepted or imperfect sits like a devil over on our shoulder whispering into our ear a hundred times a day creating doubt in ourselves. Getting uncomfortable is the only way to wrestle with this shadow entity. We have a choice to buy into this thinking or rethink who we are. I believe many of us are waking up and seeing the light. Thanks for this great article.
Thank you, Helen. I’m glad you liked it. I like to encourage people to rethink how they define themselves. It is so much more empowering to open your mind up and see that you are not the sum of other people’s opinions of you. It is important to understand that other people’s opinions are primarily a reflection of their dominant frame of mind. Negative people find fault with everything, so why be upset when someone makes a negative comment? It is only a reflection of their inner dialogue.
I like your story and certainly feel the passion of your words. I was taught that I owned how I engaged life. I was taught kindness and to give back to help others with no expectations. Other than spend all that time on me at my age I would prefer to help others, and give back the things life has given me. That being said I enjoyed your story and respect its value I have to say I walk a different path than you and that is the ways life is. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights.
You cannot give to others what you do not have for yourself. I suspect that if you are giving to others and creating value for people, then you likely have most of it figured out.
Thank you Renee for your kind words. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Renée, ALL OF THIS. Wow. I’m impressed you fit this strong, deep message into a blogpost. You did a great job of explaining the value of discomfort in an accessible way, while encouraging us to accept and love all of ourselves. I feel like I could come back to this over and over. Well done.
Thank you, Mary. I am pleased you enjoyed this post and found it helpful. Please share it with others.
Thank you for this encouragement to live true to ourselves, to do the work to heal, to mind our own “boats”-the internal thoughts, feelings, perceptions-we have about ourselves and other people. I have learned that the only thing I can ever “control” is my reaction or response. Events happen-people say/do things-All I have EVER is how I respond to that-and I have lots of choices-maybe unlimited choices in how I respond. Clean up in my internal boat called Laura remains essential, vital. Working from the inside out creates the healing and transformations.
I do notice that many people might find some tools helpful in placing limiting beliefs through a shredder and flowing emotions out in healthy ways that don’t harm themselves or others. Rather than being told to stuff emotions, we must grieve and rage in safe ways to release that bottled up from the past gunk that we might have swallowed as children because we didn’t know any other way. Using the wisdom of the body can be the starting place for this work as the body tends to store past experiences rather than immediately shaking them out… Body holds much wisdom. The heart holds much love and hurt. The mind makes up stories about the other two often to keep us from dealing with the pain in our hearts, in our bodies. Holistic healing possible starting with the wisdom in the body that can then can communicate lessons to the mind. Body leads, mind can learn. I would offer that I have observed unregulated people in body/heart/mind. No one taught them other ways… How to resolve traumas which lodge in the body and nervous system-as one example… I also observe that people create physical spaces that become metaphors for what’s happening in their internal worlds. Hoarding, holding on to unneeded belongings another out-of-balance expression.
Holistic healing/transformations can begin to take place in any of these “domains”-space, body, heart, mind. An on-going journey to look to see what we are creating in our lives!
Thank you so much for this piece because I do agree that mental distortions or limiting beliefs that people grip tightly to can create much havoc in our world. The choice to interrupt these is a courageous one.
Yes, there is certainly plenty of medical evidence that long-term stress is toxic to our bodies, so it follows that many of the negative experiences and emotions that churn in our minds affect our physical well being. I appreciate your thoughtful comment, Laura.
I respectfully disagree with your entire opinion. Is the use of profanity necessary?
We are all entitled to our opinions. I express myself in a way that I am perfectly comfortable with.