Forgiveness – The Pathway to Courage

I felt truly courageous when I was finally able to forgive the person who wasn’t ever sorry. Even on some rare occasions when he did say sorry, it is strange that even a trace of remorse couldn’t be seen, heard, or felt. 

In spite of seeing and knowing that my toxic and traumatic marriage had reached a dead, I just continued hanging in there for such a long time. I had grown up with the conditioning that relationships are intensely precious and everlasting. I also held a strong belief that there is a solution to everything in life. 

Why was I not able to see what everyone else around me could see all along?

As things continued to get worse over the years, a reality check became imperative. With each passing day, a part of me seemed to be dying, and I couldn’t be in denial anymore. I often felt gasping for breath, as if, especially because I needed to protect my son growing up in that environment.

I was probably looking at it as a personal failure. Moreover, I did not have a concept of self-love. I was conditioned to believe that self-love is selfish, and that being a martyr is a virtue. This mindset was so self-limiting. 

Finally moving out of the marriage, I could actually breathe again, I could be myself. Confidently locking the door to my past, I began a new life. Well, so I believed. A reality check was again knocking at my door. 

In spite of trying to be a strong person with all my coping mechanisms in place, why was I still not happy. How could the memories of my past continue to haunt me? Why did I continue to feel broken?

While desperately wanting liberation from my past, I did not know how to wipe off those memories. Strange as it may sound, it was brought to my awareness that wallowing in the past was probably giving me a sense of self-validation. I felt an entitlement to hold on to my emotional pain, hold on to how life had been so unfair. I didn’t even realise when this had quietly become a part of my identity. 

To redeem myself I had to start working on multiple aspects, but the one thing I found really hard was to forgive him.

How does one forgive a person who has manipulated and betrayed you repeatedly? Who can bring back those precious years of my life? How can I erase some horrible experiences that got imprinted on my son’s mindset?

Conceptually I understood that every time we forgive someone, we heal a part of ourselves. Yet I wasn’t able to genuinely let go.

It is said that forgiving someone is a selfless act. I tend to disagree. For me, it is clearly an act of self-love. Forgiveness is the gift I finally chose to give myself and to my son. It helped me letting go of my resentments, even some residual ones. I needed it to rescue myself from myself. It indeed is an act of great courage and generosity. It was imperative for my own healing and had nothing to do with anyone else. 

I was eventually able to find that level of compassion within me that gave me the courage to forgive the man who was never sorry for anything.

Forgiveness helped me heal my internal wounds, and allowed for the dissolving of some energetic imprints that were hampering my liberation and evolvement thereon. 

It played a crucial role in my journey to becoming who I AM today.