For Anthony – Suicide Prevention

–Part 1 of 2

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. For those of us who have attempted suicide, this month can be difficult. Let’s face it, suicide is just a hard subject to talk about. Why? Because it may bring back the hurt, pain, and feelings of depression that brought you to that point in the first place. Plus, in our communities, the subject is taboo. Because we don’t talk about it, suicide is now affecting our children. Sadly, children as young as nine-years-old get to the point where they feel there is no other answer than taking their precious, young lives due to being bullied in school.

Depression is an evil demon. It takes over every aspect of your life. It steals from you.

I didn’t realize it then, but my depression started during my sheltered childhood. During my early adult life, it disappeared. But it came back full force right before I got married and has been with me ever since. It changes you. I transformed from the fun-loving, joking, kind, making people laugh person to being a short-tempered, unhappy, and sad version of myself. But I tried my best to remain optimistic. Soon my circumstances caused me to become manic. My depression was so severe I was on several medications. The pills never really helped, but I kept taking them.

My partner’s infidelity, being hundreds of miles from home, having no family or friends to lean on, all compounded my feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I didn’t dare tell anyone back home the hell I was living. I thought I deserved it. I really believed because I was constantly cheated on that I was not enough for him or any man. So, I made sure to go to every doctor’s appointment so I wouldn’t run out of narcotics. Midrin was a red capsule used to treat migraines. It never worked unless I took too many which was often. I abused every narcotic I got my hands on trying to numb the emotional, mental, and physical pain.

The first time I tried to take my life, I was drained, emotionless, and exhausted. I had no strength left to fight. I waited until my spouse was about an hour away from getting off work and I put my babies down for a nap and kissed them goodbye. I came downstairs and threw about 20 Midrin down my throat. I remember them not wanting to go down all at once, so I had to spit them out and swallow a couple at a time. I laid down and felt the fading effect quickly. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I was disappointed to still be alive. I never told my then-husband or family until years later.

To be continued ….


Valerie Collins
Valerie Collins
Valerie Collins was born in Tucson, Az, the last of six children. She has loved writing since a child but decided to pursue a career in Orthopedic nursing. Shortly after her marriage and birth of her first child at the age of 22, she was diagnosed with the chronic pain disease, Fibromyalgia, its subsequent conditions, illnesses, and syndromes. Once the disease disabled her in 2001, she revisited her passion for writing poetry and short stories and has accumulated over 100 poems and spoken word pieces over the years. She became a member of the International Society of poets in 2002 and The International Who's Who in Poetry in 2006. She currently is a member of Realistic Poetry International, Who's Who Among American Business Women, and Women of Facebook Create. Her accolades include 2005 Poet of the Year. She was awarded both the Outstanding Achievement Award in Poetry and the Official Commemorative Poetry Ambassador Medal while serving as a Poetry Ambassador associate in 2007. She wrote a play entitled “Fix Me Jesus” in 2012 for Alabama 1st COGIC State AIM Youth Convention Competition drama category which was awarded second place. Currently, she is in rehearsals for her second stage play for the local playwright, Shawna D. Moore which will be on stage in August 2019. She is in the process of compiling a two-volume poetry book entitled My Poetic Life: A Memoir of Love and a book detailing her life with Fibromyalgia, entitled Behind the Walls of Silence. In July 2018, she created her first blog site My Poetic Life (The Book) as @vfurrmstheblogger to act as a launch for both books and it has taken on a life of its own. She also owns a small crochet business, Val's Gifts of Warmth, where she sells her handmade crochet items.

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  1. Thank you Valerie for this very open article. Unfortunately, suicide had increased drastically for all populations which I discuss in a recent podcast. I am so pleased you are here to share your gifts. We must continue to help others recognize that turning the page can make all the difference in the world!?

    • Thank you, Darlene,
      So am I. I decided to do this two-part because I think if it gets read my a sibling, or relative who shares it with their child, maybe somebody’s baby won’t commit suicide.

    • Thank you Aldo,
      It’s a tough subject even as I talk about it after almost 20 years. But it never leaves you. Hopefully, more people will know to seek God first, because I did not. Also more need to understand that a prescription to rebalance brain chemistry can be a solution as well.