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Fairy Tales – Rated X

Vantage Points Header Joel ElvesonJoel Elveson   E.R. 740

JW12-1

January 4, 1974

THE HEADING that precedes this “article” is correct in so far as my “homeroom”, the course I wrote this piece in and of course the month, day and year it was written. As was the case with my writing back in 1974 and is the case with my writing here in 2016, I use a myriad of topics to set different tones with the idea of giving readers a sense of not knowing what to expect from me next while creating (I hope) a sense of wonder as to where I get my ideas from. Without further introduction here is my latest “journalistic milieu.” Whereupon I use the exact language, phrases, etc. as it appeared when I originally wrote this.

Hey kid what is the matter with you? Don’t your parents tell you that these fairy tales are rated X and not fit to be read by such a little thing like you? So gimme dat book! Yes folks it is true that those seemingly innocent fairy tales kids have been reading for generations are actually only meant for us adults. In the following paragraphs I will tell you all about this and by the time this article is over you will never let dem kids read those dirty stories.

When you and I were kids there was nothing wrong with Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. Now when you look at the story from a grown –up point of view man is it dirty. Here it is in plain English. First we have this sexy chick by the name of Snow White and she is living with these dudes called dwarfs. If that wasn’t bad enough there is seven of them and only one of her. Now we all know what goes on in those situations. It’s dirty and filthy stuff which is why all us adults can relate to it. And to think kids have been reading that. It should never have been allowed to happen.

Man I ask you what is this society coming to? Something has got to be done about this one. Boy is this one trouble. Would you believe I just heard some kids on the street reading “rub a dub dub, three men in the tub? My gracious if those kids ever realized what the means, boy we would have a whole bunch of homosexuals running around taking baths together. Good G-d what can be done to stop this wave of obscenities that is reaching our children?

Here is a little rhyme by the name of Jack Be Nimble. If you had kids would you wan them having candles and trying to jump over them? Imagine if they don’t make it, look at all the burnt butts you will have. Think of the medical bills. And what if they want to join a nudist camp with those burnt butts? What a disaster it would be. It makes me horrified just to think about it.

Remember the one about Little Red Riding Hood? You know the one with the sick grandma. Well here it is when it is analyzed. In one corner we have this wolf who eats people or so he wants us to believe. Then there is Goldie locks the innocent chick in the forest.

Now here is this girl walking through the forest supposedly going to the sick grandmas and being stopped by this wolf who wants her goodies. Of course she don’t give them to him. But who should wind up in granny’s bed but the wolf. He eats the kid. Think now of all little boys hiding in the forests and attacking little girls. Then they start their own peep show about this. Oh how terrible.

Well you got my point. To think that this very minute there are little kids out there acting out this one with Rapunzel. Why if I did not know better I would say that this program or fairy tale is teaching kids to practice sex. Now that is one thing that definitely should be limited to we professionals. Know what I mean? Imagine that chick having to spin golden thread. This little man does it and then he wants her kid. Widespread black market baby prices could result. Who needs such things?

Peter pan is probably the worst one of all. Here he is flying with Tinkerbelle who is who knows what. Then he has kids flying with him to a place called never never land. We all know why they are flying and it ain’t with planes. Dig this he even marries this girl Wendy. Hey now wait a sec this is about the third one with these chicks in it. Something is funny around here.

No I just can’t take it anymore! It is too much even for me. I wonder what Richard Nixon would do if his daughter was reading a modernized version of The Three Little Pigs. Or for that matter Peter And The Wolf. Otherwise known as Peter and his sensuous wolf. Man this stuff is dynamite for us but them confounded kids are reading them. Man we get a bad name from them. I refuse to tell you more about this.

Oh well I did promise you this one. So here I kept my promise with this little thing or shtick. So long for now all my lovely readers out there and thanks for nothin. Man anytime you have these dirty things in mind go directly to the nearest john and scream all the four letter obscenities you can think of. Good night Robert. This is Joel Elveson your weirdism editor saying wait until next time. Keep reading for upcoming is an inside look on what really goes on in our magazine journalism class.

You will get yours! I got mine! Figure this one out. HA HA HA HA!

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Joel Elveson
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