The conversation on last week’s Friendship Bench was led by everyone’s friend, Phil Williams. As always, Phil brought his A Game and his soothing demeanor. He also brought a provocative question for us to contemplate as he sent us into breakout rooms:
What are your expectations for going into a relationship and how will you approach it intentionally?
I struggled a bit with what I take to be the juxtaposition of expectations against intentionality. Here’s why:
It’s at least arguable that expectations are externally directed. They may or may not be reasonable. They may derive from outcomes we desire or behaviors we presume should come from others. They may be rooted in our egos, our experiences, or cultural norms. They can tend to be narrowing, limiting, rigid, or stress-inducing. And they can lead to disappointment — or conflict — if they aren’t met.
Intentions, on the other hand, are likely to be internally directed, based on our values, purposes, and choices. Those choices can feel empowering, even liberating, based as they likely are on our own actions and objectives. They can often make us feel as if we have direction, creativity, and autonomy.
I struggled because I couldn’t help wondering: What if my intentions are the product of my expectations?
F’rinstance
You and I are introduced at a party. We exchange enough superficial pleasantries to determine whether we may be compatible enough to consider a friendship. I expect you to be politically conservative, to love heavy metal music, to eat only fast food, to drink heavily, and to be a professional couch spud. I enter into the relationship with the intention of sharing those things with you.
Once we get to know each other better, I discover you’re a political liberal, you love classical music, you eat only fresh, unprocessed foods you prepare yourself, you’re a teetotaler, and you’d much rather travel than stay at home.
If my intention isn’t to meet you on some middle ground of our creating, that’s going to be one short friendship. And if I expect you to meet me on that middle ground and you don’t intend to do any such thing, that doesn’t improve prospects for the friendship, either.
Another Thing
One other question occurred to me during the Bench conversation: Aside from things like distractedly falling into open manholes, accidently shooting ourselves, packing our parachutes wrongly, or flicking cigarettes into what we didn’t realize were munitions factories, what things do we NOT do intentionally?
I may be alone in this, but if I don’t have the intention of doing something, I generally don’t do it.
Maybe it’s because I’m Irish. 🤔
