More than anything or anyone else in your life, expectations determine your reality. Henry Ford was spot on when he said, “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t – you’re right.” This is partially because confidence significantly influences motivation and goal-setting. But there is also neuroscience at work.
What about our expectations of others? It’s no secret that when we believe in someone, we treat them better than people we think will fail, we give them more opportunities to succeed than we give those we think will fail, and we give them more accurate and constructive feedback than we give others.
There is no doubt that expectations shape the perceptions we have of ourselves and the world. They affect everything from performance to relationships to personal growth and future goals – and much of the time they are unspoken or unconscious. To really drill down into how expectations drive us or disappoint us, it’s important to parse them into 4 distinct buckets differentiated by two little words – of and for.
- Expectations we have for ourselves;
- Expectations we have of ourselves;
- Expectations we have for others;
- Expectations we have of others.
Expectations we have of ourselves (i.e., a moral compass, a strong work ethic, compassion for others, etc.) are very different from expectations we have for ourselves such as a rewarding career, a healthy work/life balance, or providing for our families. The same applies to others; we have expectations of them and for them. And the subtle differences have huge implications for the line of demarcation between expectations being premeditated resentments or the secret to success.
As a teacher, I always knew that my expectations of and for my students would significantly influence their performance and there are many studies to substantiate this.
Back in 1963, a psychologist named Bob Rosenthal proved the power of expectations on performance. In the first study, Rosenthal divided a group of rats of equal ability into two groups. He labeled one group “bright” and another group “dumb.” Then he asked his students to test the rats’ ability to learn a maze. As Rosenthal expected, the rats who were arbitrarily labeled “bright” performed better on the maze than those labeled “dumb.” How did this happen? The students’ expectations of the rats had caused them to treat the rats differently, and it affected the rats’ performance.
Rosenthal replicated that study with 1st and 2nd graders. He randomly assigned the children to two groups: “academically blooming” and “average.” Again, as he expected, the students in the high group performed higher and the students in the average group performed average. There is a wealth of research confirming the influence of teacher expectations on students’ academic performance.
So high expectations in this context is a no brainer, right? But in relationships, the expectations we have of others gets more complicated. We expect certain things from others – remember my birthday, pay back a loan, back me up at work. When those things don’t happen, we are disappointed, resentful or even in a state of psychological pain. And the more we care about the person who doesn’t live up to our expectations, the more it hurts.
We can thank our limbic system for this – in charge of emotions. The brain is finely tuned to expectations and even subtle unconscious cues set off a chain reaction of neural activity. Neuroscientists have identified a link between expectations and the neurotransmitter dopamine. Dopamine is the “pleasure chemical,” but it isn’t just released when we get something we want, it’s released in anticipation of getting something we want.
Unmet expectations have an equally significant impact on brain chemistry in a negative way. When we expect a reward and don’t get it, dopamine levels drop. The decrease in dopamine generates a mild threat response. To deal with the threat, the brain allocates more resources (cortisol) to the fear/threat center as it pauses activity in the rational/thinking regions. The brain processes all of this the same way it processes pain. This is why unexpectedly losing your job feels so much worse than being let go after months of downsizing rumors. This is also why it hurts so much when someone lets us down.
How to Best Manage Expectations
What’s the best way to manage expectations? First, being intentional about identifying your expectations is a good way to assess how fair or realistic they are. Ask yourself, “What do I expect from this experience or person?” Then, determine if that expectation is (a) fair and reasonable and (b) clear and communicated to other people involved. Often times, we are disappointed by others who may have had no idea of our expectations.
Finally, altering your expectations can have a surprising impact. For example, imagine you are flying across the country for a conference and you’re hoping to be upgraded to first class for the long flight. If you think, “An upgrade would be a wonderful gift,” you’ll be thrilled to get the upgrade and not devasted if you don’t.
However, if you expect an upgrade and you’re already thinking about the meal choices and how much more comfortable you’ll be in first class, you’ll likely be pleased but not thrilled if you get it. By expecting it, you’ve taken some of the pleasure out of the reward. And if your expectations are not met, you’ll be much more disappointed sitting in the back of the bus than you would have if you didn’t expect the upgrade.
Disappointment doesn’t have to destroy us. If taken in stride, it can strengthen us and make us better. With introspection and reflection, we may even learn how to view disappointment as a journey toward greater self-awareness. But to be able to make these journeys of self-reflection and reevaluation meaningful, we need to look beneath the surface. If we always equate unmet expectations with unhappiness, the insight will remain in the shadows of disappointment.
LOL… thank you for taking the time to share your insights. I love the trick you describe here and find the analogy quite perfect!! I’m going to add it to my list of “healthy tricks.”
Now… Go to your room! (I do LOVE saying that!)
Don’t go to your room!
Sorry I have been AWOL recently – I’m doing fieldwork at the Drug Treatment Court and Thursday is my day on duty right now.
I’ve reframed expectations as inspectations – qualities, perceptions, habits, assumptions that I need to be candid and careful about that I own. It’s like when you can’t find something because you’re looking too hard. I’m a lifelong sailor (even for my living for a couple of decades), and one of my favorite tricks that an incredibly salty old dog taught me is that when you’re trying to find a marker (like a buoy) or a landmark, stop looking for it and just let your eyes rest in the general direction. Voila!