Each day we go through different trials simply because we are human. Most people can’t just sit down beside a family member or friend and open up about that particular day’s upsets or problems. That’s what weekly therapy sessions are for, right? Well, most people don’t even want to go to a therapist because of society’s stigmas placed on mental health. I’ve learned over the years, that like most internal turmoil, its better out than in.
This blog acts as my therapy session and you, my readers, are my therapists. Now don’t think I’ve never been to a psychologist. I spent the better part of my 20’s “lying on someone’s couch”, so to speak. Now at 45, I can actually see where all that talking and being listened to and validated helped, but I can also see where omitting my childhood issues did and did not. I still have a hard time talking on that subject even though it may have contributed to the cause of Fibromyalgia.
I digress. Today’s issues deal with this enormous amount of fatigue I’m feeling. Have you ever been so physically tired that even sleep escapes you? If not, God has blessed you. If you have, that’s where I’m at now. But it’s not only that. I’m emotionally exhausted to the point where thinking about anything exhausts me. What to cook for dinner, when to wash my hair, calling someone on the phone; the little things mentally make me feel as if I’ve been through the same traumatic event every day for the past month. It’s hard to describe. But try to imagine that if you will.
In this state, nothing makes direct sense. You have to think about simple ideas for a minute before they register in your mind. My words are jumbled. I can’t complete a coherent thought or sentence aloud without stopping to think of the word or name I’m trying to use. I don’t dare try to remember my lines for the upcoming play I’m in when I’m like this because I can’t keep anything in my head. Basically, my mind has shut down on me as much as my body has.
There are times that I wish I had one person, (along with my mom), who I could depend on. Not only talk to but depend on the way I allow others to depend on me. It would be easier I think, to get through times like these. My mom has been there for me and has seen the destruction that this disease has caused in my life. But she’s up in age now and it’s my turn to be there for her. So what do I do when I’m having bad weeks with no rest?
I pray, of course, joke around and use laughter, try to rest, push myself to my absolute limit, and go to the doctor. Yesterday I decided to just get rest. I shut down everything and everybody. I begrudgingly said no to request so I could time for myself. I prayed that God let me rest long enough for my body and mind to reboot. I hoped to feel better and I do. Prayer works y’all!
I will always feel fatigued. I suppose that’s why it is called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. But I’m glad that my family understands now. I live through my faith. That’s a beautiful place to be when you’re chronically ill with no cure in sight. But as bad as that sounds, I don’t give up anymore. Believe me, there have been moments when I have.
I just believe God has a purpose/purposes for my life. One of which is to write about and share how I get through living with Fibromyalgia. I really want to reach people not only sufferers but their families and friends. We cannot get through the effects of this disease without a village. At times when I feel defeated, my small village really keeps me going.
So, for now, I am looking to the Lord and thanking God for my village. It’s sad but people will completely turn their back on you when you first get diagnosed, during your fight, and at times when you feel better. Yes. I’ve had people get upset because I don’t feel as bad as I used to. But I don’t get upset anymore. I just understand that they don’t understand and it’s okay.
Google can teach you anything you WANT to know. And it’s okay if they chose not to learn about it. I’m still going to be alright, trusting in God, and leaning on those who lean on me. I believe what I was taught in Nursing school has some merit; healing is 10% body and 90% mind. I’m working up to that 90% every day. What’s your trial today? How are you working on your healing? Let’s talk.