by Marcia Zidle, Columnist & Featured Contributor
[su_dropcap style=”flat”]E[/su_dropcap]MOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EQ) is a term heard often these days. Books on leadership discuss it, personality assessments address it, and employers will look for it when they are evaluating potential new hires or promotions.
I first learned about emotional intelligence during one of my early leadership trainings. The more I learned the more I appreciated its value. I saw how emotional intelligence is the difference that can make the difference between success and failure
A lack of emotional intelligence is what limits some people in their ability to manage themselves, manage others, or manage situations. On the flip side, I’ve seen people with strong emotional intelligence skills rise above significant challenges and move forward more confident and resilient – which are important drivers of success.
Yet, in my 20 years as an executive coach and management consultant, I rarely had someone raise his or her hand and declare that they needed to work on their EQ. It seems to be others (the boss, the recalcitrant colleague, the folks in production, etc.) who are causing the vexing problem that is taking up their time and energy..
Perhaps it’s YOU who is causing the problem: Here are some of the telltale signs. Which can you identify with? Be honest!
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- You often feel like others don’t get the point and it makes you impatient and frustrated.
- You’re surprised when others are sensitive to your comments or jokes and you think they’re overreacting.
- You think being liked at work is overrated.
- You weigh in early with your assertions and defend them with rigor.
- You hold others to the same high expectations you hold for yourself.
- You find others are to blame for most of the issues on your team.
- You find it annoying when others expect you to know how they feel.[/message]
So what do you do if you recognized yourself in this list? Here are three strategies:
- Know Thyself and Get Feedback
You can’t work on a problem you don’t understand. A critical component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness — this is the ability to recognize and stay cognizant of behaviors in the moment. Whether you engage in a 360 assessment or simply ask a few people what they observe. This step is critical in heightening your sense of what you do or don’t do well. In other words, what are your strengths and areas for improvement?
It’s a natural reaction to find excuses or justify our actions. That defeats the purpose. Rather, listen to the feedback, try to understand it, and own it. When Will, a recent client who was promoted into a high level position and was not meeting his financial goals, initially heard what others thought of him, he quickly became defensive. But when he accepted the feedback, he moved to owning it and became determined to change the way he worked with his team. And he did!
- Be Aware Of Your Impact
Those with weak emotional intelligence often underestimate what a negative impact their words and actions have on others. They ignore the gap between what they mean to say and what others actually hear. Here are some common examples of what those with low emotional intelligence may say and how it’s actually heard:
What you say: “We don’t do it that way here.”
What others hear: “Your ideas (and you) are not important.”
What you say: “If I can understand it, anyone can.
What others hear: “I’m smart enough to understand it, why can’t you…dummy”.
What you say: “I need this 8am sharp – do whatever it takes.”
What others hear: “All I care about is the results and if you have to work late, so be it!”
Therefore, think about how your words are going to impact others and whether that’s how you want to them to feel.
Michelle, another coaching client, was notorious for saying “off the wall” things that made others wonder where she’s coming from. There was a lack of consistency in what she said at a staff meeting and then afterwards which led her team to change directions constantly. As she began to consider the impact of her words, she did the following:
- Before each staff meeting, she spent time to determine and write down key priorities for the week.
- Every day she reviewed the priorities for the week – making sure she and her team are following them. And if a change was needed, she would schedule time to communicate the reasons and answers their concerns.
- Press the Pause Button
Having high emotional intelligence means making choices about how you respond to situations, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. For example, another client, Michael, tended to interrupt others before they could complete their thoughts. This behavior was a reaction to his fear of losing control of the discussion and wasting time. With coaching, he started to pause before reacting.
Here are two important pauses to take to make sure you are having the impact you desire:
Pause to listen to yourself.
When Michael was getting impatient and frustrated in discussions, he often felt his jaw clench and his chest tighten. By recognizing these physical signs, he reminded himself that he has the ability to control the situation – he has options! As a result, he was better able to decide how he wanted to respond, rather than relying on his default of cutting the person off.
Pause to listen to others.
Listening means helping others feel like you’ve understood them (even if you don’t agree with them). It’s not the same as not saying anything. It’s simply giving others a chance to convey their ideas before you jump in.
Smart Moves Tip
If you want a potential employer, a current co-worker or boss, or a friend, child, or spouse to perceive you as “getting it,” learn, develop, and demonstrate a high degree of Emotional Intelligence. You will be pleasantly surprised by the results. Today’s fast paced and complex business environment requires leaders who can cope more easily in stressful situations, exude confidence, and be flexible and optimistic. With greater level of self-awareness and control, you will be more focused, disciplined and productive in a workplace.
Do you know what impression you make on others? If yes, how did you find out? What did you learn? And how are you using that leaning in being a better leader?
My Motto Is:
If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. Therefore, MOVE outside of your comfort zone; thats where the MAGIC happens.” To bring that magic to your leadership and business, subscribe to Marcias monthly Execubrief: Business Edge Smart Growth Strategies with a insights, inspiration and intelligence on how to build great businesses that matter those that do well and do good.
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