The last three months were a bit difficult. I needed to confirm my doubts. I followed some mental health training and made an unpleasant discovery. I had to deal with some chaos which triggered my “savior” pattern I was not even aware of its existence. I might be described as an altruist. I know I love empowering and inspiring any person I interact with including complete strangers. But I was convinced, at a conscious level, of the following:
Nobody will be able to help us — not even the wiser, most brilliant, spiritual, divine individual across the globe — if we didn’t first decide to help ourselves…
This was the closing sentence of an article from my personal blog written on August, 13th of 2019. This is what I find incredible about the subconscious program. No matter how many algorithms we could have rewritten, no matter the level of our reconnection with the original being before the conditioning started, there will always be some unsuspected patterns we discover with some new events.
I struggled with numerous overwhelming feelings coming from starting to clearly see all the damages some beloved people have been carrying for so long. The most difficult part was to talk about the truth very smoothly and gradually despite my frustration rooted in multiple sources. At the end, that was my resolution:
When the pure spirit—aka the ‘Principles’ Center—and love are driving your behavior, the uncontrollable result doesn’t matter. You listened to the call. You honored it. You decided to pay the price. What comes out of it is none of your business. No one can break another person’s denial circle. Learn to deal with it, give yourself a big hug, and move on with your life.
How was my ‘savior’ pattern created?
I had to dig and find out why I developed this ‘savior’ pattern in the first place. I was amazed. During my childhood, all that mattered was to be the perfect little girl. I did pretty much everything earlier than the average: walking, talking, singing, dancing. Promoted throughout my entire education, I was also the leader of every end-of-year party.
As if it was not enough pressure, I was also ‘granted’ some responsibility I never chose: taking care of my small brother whenever it was suitable. I was seven; he was two. I still don’t believe how I was even able to give him a shower, while I was still having very small hands. I had no choice. He was smelling really bad. That day, I was late for school and was punished by my teacher. My mother visited him, after finishing work, to explain the reason for the delay. He felt so bad I could almost see his tears. Guess who deserved a big hug?
My brother was innocently looking at me and I wasn’t able to ask him to move. When the door touched his fragile head, it cost him fourteen stitches.
The real trauma happened more likely during the same year. We were building the family’s house. We visited once. Both of my parents are retired teachers. I took my little brother with me to discover the environment. There was a very heavy door that needed two strong adults, in general, to move it. It was serving as a tool to protect the house from unwanted visitors. There was a space between the wall and the door. It was too small for my brother. I decided to create more space for him. When I realized my mistake, it was too late. I lost my voice. My brother was innocently looking at me and I wasn’t able to ask him to move. When the door touched his fragile head, it cost him fourteen stitches. My two arms were left with no skin that day. I spent years repeating the same scene where I was, at least, able to retrieve my voice and scream with all the power in my small body. It was so frequent, as well, to have nightmares with criminals trying to kill my brother, and me playing the hero and sacrificing myself to protect him.
I found out the root cause of my ‘savior’ pattern. I may not have deserved to live with it for more than three decades, but I will not complain. This same pattern made me do so many good deeds during my existence so far on this planet. This same pattern made me reach out to the malignant narcissist who abused me so harshly, who completely destroyed my self-esteem and left me alone in the darkest places two years ago. No, I will not complain.
Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply; they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.
With love, Myriam