Desire is an Inside Job

Desire is an inside job because your desires are allowed to constantly change. What I desire depends greatly on my mood, what is happening around me, my partner’s mood, and even what stage of life I am in.

For many, keeping tabs on what you crave is considered a job. And well, It is a worthy task to try to shift that lens. It also takes acknowledgment that it definitely takes time, intentionality, and space to tune your ear to what may be swirling in your deep darks.

So here are some of the ways you can take on this exploration and in time perhaps not see it as a job but begin to see it as nourishment, care, and love.

Firstly, we need to acknowledge and accept desires as a part of who we are, no matter what those desires are, they are part of who we are. We also have to give ourselves permission to change what we desire depending on where we are in our lives. This acknowledgment and permission will be required for this journey to be rich and meaningful for you.

What steps can we explore in pursuit of desire in a responsible and ethical way?

Identify your Desires

Easier said than done I think! But spending time reflecting on what you truly desire in life should be a lifelong journey. This requires you to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions on a regular basis. Journaling, meditating, or talking with a trusted friend or coach can help you identify your desires. I, of course, love wondering out loud about this – so you can always reach out.

It is really about connecting to what fills us, what excites us, what leaves goosebumps on our skin, or even what brings a little devil to the surface. This cannot be done with a pen and paper, it needs to be done with action in trust-filled environments.

Own your Desires

Once you have identified possible desires, accept them as an experience that could further develop who you are. Don’t be ashamed or guilty about what you want. Exploring independently is often the best way to get a true gauge of what is possible. So I highly recommend reading relevant books, taking courses, developing an introductory relationship with something that peaks your interest, etc.

This may require you to step outside of your comfort zone and take risks so break your desires down into smaller, achievable experiences and take steps towards honouring yourself each day.

Be Ethical

Pursuing your desires in a responsible and ethical way means taking into account the impact your actions may have on others. Make sure you’re not hurting or taking advantage of anyone else in the pursuit of your desires. So very often this requires conversations. Please have them. Finding the words can be hard – so here are some ways of starting that conversation.

“WOW, I had a dream last night that was kind of saucy…..”

“Listen to this passage from the book I’m reading…”

“I have a little idea I want to share with you..”

Learning Experiences

Pursuing your desires may not always go according to plan – that’s why I talk so very often about having a Plan B and going in with the right mindset that includes: Curiosity, Exploration, and Consent. When setbacks occur, take stock and learn from them.

What about this experience was amazing?

What piqued my interest that is new?

What am I most proud of learning?

Remember, taking ownership of your own desires requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to take action. It’s okay to ask for help along the way and to adjust your course if needed. Taking responsibility for your own desires can be a powerful way to live a more fulfilling and authentic life and much less about a job you have to do.


Sarah Hines
Sarah Hines
I met a man one blurry night in Manhattan, and little did I know, he would be the soil in which my passion for grief work was to be planted. He had been rejected by his family for his life choices and was preparing for death without them. Helping him through his struggle to come to terms with his love for them and in turn his forgiveness while going through treatments, rejection, and coming to terms with his own death and grief was an unimaginable amount of stress and it literally set me in activism mode. It was shortly after his death, I completed training in Palliative Care Home Hospice. I volunteered in men’s homes for 5 years before the medications became reliable and being gay wasn’t always breaking family ties. Some of the most amazing times I have had in my life have been in the homes of dying. Strange, yes.. but so beautifully honest and raw. I then completed the Children’s Palliative Care Training and dove into the heartbrokenness of dying children. It is in these years I really came to understand just how fickle death can be and how much we embrace death and our grief. It seems that in times of what we would consider the most unimaginable, we are able to find glimmers of beauty, cracks of light and the nourishment in tears. Over the last 20 years, I have carried on with my education in a variety of ways including Coach and Leadership Training, Orphan Wisdom School and Grief Groups. My connection into corporate grief has been slow. It’s something that most organizations do not want to think about. I am inspired by those that see value in bringing grief work into the way they lead teams through uncertainty and the trust this work builds.

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