Illness and depression go together like peanut and butter but is not nearly as tasty. In fact, learning to deal with depression during illness can be a bitter pill to swallow. During my severe bouts of depression during breast cancer and its treatment I had a choice; take pharmaceuticals to alleviate it, or face my depression and figure out what my body and psyche were trying to tell me. I always believed my depression was a symptom, not an illness.
Alleviating a symptom seldom cures the dis-ease.
My depression was something I believed would diminish once it was understood by me, faced and the cause was cured. But, this is easier said than done.
Suicide seemed an easier means of escape than facing my “ghosts.”
However, deciding to see what lessons could be learned from my depression was a first step toward the re-integration of my emotions because nothing in this world is more depressing than depression. Looking back on those difficult times I can now answer questions I avoided such as, “Why was I depressed? How did depression serve me and most importantly, what did it teach me about myself?”
Our mind is incredibly powerful and will create (manifest) situations to serve and save us.
I came to the conclusion that depression and illness was a way of forcing me to slow down and “look within” at memories (old baggage), events (past and present cycles), people (relationships), and lifestyles (habits) that were not to my benefit. Without depression, I may have continued to accept whatever life threw at me—like other people’s challenges, and settling for less than I needed and/or deserved.
Depression is an incredible teacher. You do not graduate until you learn your lessons.
Depression taught me that just because something is thrown at me does not mean I have to catch it, hold, and keep it, including insults or negative relationships. I can choose to duck or move out of the way. And, if I do catch it, I can choose to drop it. Depression made me stop and reassess my life-choices.
I came to the conclusion that how people treat me is their Karma, how I respond is mine.
Not all relationships or situations should be avoided or dropped. And, that is when I learned my most valuable lesson—the quickest way to change someone’s behavior is to change mine first. They must respond differently to the new behavior. Illness and depression made me take time out for me. It taught me how to respect, honor, and put myself first, and to choose to change or walk away from bad habits, relationships, and situations. I drew new boundaries.
These were new boundary decisions and choices with which I could live…and die.
During one group discussion, a new found friend asked, “How can I just quit my job or simply walk away from my relationship if that is what is depressing or killing me?”
Crisis can bring perfect strangers together. That is exactly what happened in my Radiation Therapy group of women. We had deep emotional discussions about health, healing, life, and death while we awaited our turn for treatment. During one group discussion, a new found friend asked, “How can I just quit my job or simply walk away from my relationship if that is what is depressing or killing me?” My answer to her question was another question. “Are you worried about letting down your job and relationship or yourself? Will “they” survive tomorrow if you are not around? Will you thrive if they are gone? You cannot hold the gift of life in your hands if your hands are full of crap you do not even want but cannot part with because they are habit or insecurities. It is time for choices. Choose to put something down.”
That was 20 years ago. Now, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I take a step back and reassess my life.
What is surprising is how I am often bogged down with baggage that is not even mine.
One of the first things I do is “check my inner-baggage,” which again, is usually useless accumulations. What is surprising is how I am often bogged down with baggage that is not even mine. Now, I simply drop it and walk away. I don’t care who gets upset that I am not upset for them. This is because in the past I took on other people’s emotional baggage rather than respecting their right to carry it. But, old habits are hard to break. I am still working on that one.
As seen in a recent study most women are caregivers by nature, and I am not the exception to the rule. I often thought that by carrying someone else’s troubles for them it would lighten their load. It doesn’t. It just makes mine heavier. That taught me a very difficult lesson—I cannot carry other people’s baggage or walk their path for them. It is important to respect their life-lessons… to be learned by them… and my lesson was to respect and love them enough to let them learn those lessons, including their mistakes.
It is acceptable to offer people in need my shoulder but not my back. Let me explain.
There is a big difference between being supportive and being a mule.
A supportive person lends a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. A mule carries the weight of the world on their back while refusing to focus on their own life. This is avoidance. It only takes another small challenge to be the straw that breaks their back which can send them spiraling into depression.
Our mind is a beautiful thing. Experience has taught me that we manifest not only what we want but also what we need. Sometimes we need to slow down and reassess our lives. Depression served me in this capacity. I didn’t enjoy it and would not choose to go through it again. However, by facing depression rather than suppressing it, I learned from it, used it to change my life, and ultimately survived adversity and illness. The message from my inner-self was loud and clear- Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would have others treat you.
Article Research:
Dealing With Chronic Illnesses and Depression https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/chronic-illnesses-depression#1
Complementary and alternative medicine in the treatment of anxiety and depression https://journals.lww.com/co-psychiatry/Abstract/2008/01000/Complementary_and_alternative_medicine_in_the.8.aspx
Caregivers are More Likely to be Women- https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11043452/Caregivers-are-more-likely-to-be-women-says-American-study-as-daughters-take-responsibility-over-sons.html
Natural Medicine Journal; Natural Depression Remedies, Natural protocol for depression treatment that includes omega-3s, magnesium, B vitamins, vitamin D, St John’s wort, ginkgo, SAMe, 5-HTP, and ginseng, By Rena Freedenberg, ND https://www.naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2009-12/treatment-protocol-naturopathicholistic-treatment-mild-moderate-depression
Dreams That Can Save Your Life: Early Warning Signs of Cancer and Other Diseases, https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Dreams+That+Can+Save+Your+Life
Surviving Cancerland: Intuitive Aspects of Healing; https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Cancerland-Intuitive-Aspects-Healing/dp/1879384965
Great article. As you know these changes, especially those that shut down the desire to do much of anything can be monumental. However if you push yourself, if you keep reaching for the positive, if you recognize that there isnt a quick fix and it will take time, then you’re reaching into the light from the darkness and can level out and win this very difficult battle. It’s nice seeing articles written by people who have depression and aren’t just text book professionals because without ever having lived in depression you can’t truly understand or measure the horror and difficulty of the condition.
Thank you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and EMOTIONS with us Johnny Johnson. Your suggestions that seem to come from first hand experience will be a light for someone still in the darkness.
This sentence spoke to me in a lot of ways. “It is acceptable to offer people in need my shoulder but not my back.” Your article brought back a memory of a phone call with my daughter. Someone shared something personal and weighty that I immediately began dragging around. Without going to details, and with my oldest over 600 miles away, I mentioned how distressed I was because of something my friend of almost 50 years had shared with me and I did not know how to help her. Her simple words over the phone were, “Mommy, perhaps she was not asking you to help her or carry her load, maybe she just trusted you and wanted to share it with you.” I thought, when did my child grow into such a practical thoughtful woman!
As you said, Kat – we are nurturers and feel that the way we help is to take on the weight. Love the analogy of the mule. Powerful article!
Yvonne, it sounds like you raised a very wise daughter. I’m so glad the article resonated with you. I still, to this day, stop at times and ask myself, “Is this my baggage or theirs?” Yes, Yvonne, we are the nurturers and as you pointed out we must be very careful that we take care of ourselves. Thank you for your comment.
Very Powerful message. I am of the simplify, simplify and simplify philosophy. Giving of yourself is wonderful as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process.
Simply put yet great advice Larry. Thanks for commenting.
Kathleen, I have no doubt this article speaks to many, myself included, and going through the cycles, professional struggles to prove myself as a woman and the loss of contact with my children and grandchildren has been monumental in how I handle life and what it throws at me, but I will honestly say that in addition to all that you listed, my Faith in God is my salvation and strength to know that I am okay. Thank you and God Bless
Oh, Lynn Forrester, Yes! God has so much to do with ALL of my successes, especially getting through depression. If I did not have a strong belief system, and Dream-Monk-Spirit-Guides who have my back, I would still be lost in the Sea of Despair asking myself, “Is this all there is? I think I’ll jump overboard.” Thank you for the reminder.
I especially love the advice to reassess the baggage. Life experiences stack up. Sometimes you need to clean house to be able to see the light again.
Raissa Urdiales, you are so right. How often have we looked at our closet in our home and sighed, “Wow, where did all this “stuff” come from?” The same thing happens in our inner closet. Thanks so much for your comment.
Powerful, this article really spoke to me
Thank you PreKaya. Coming from you that means so much!