It makes me smile to find that what we need most, we were taught when we were little children. For example, “Look right, left and right again, before crossing the road, and keep looking”, another being, “Keep your mouth closed while you are chewing.” So often these phrases whilst being correct, are also metaphorical. In the first instance, it could mean, take everything into account before making a decision and keep being alert to changes that may arise. Or, stop talking whilst you are taking-in what the person in front of you is saying.
How many times have you been in a conversation, and whilst the person is talking you are gearing up to speak, rehearsing what to say when they stop talking or pause for breath? And without you being aware, your mouth starts to open.
Even this very subtle movement of your mouth is enough for the speaker to notice, and in doing so, interrupts their flow of thinking. They feel that you have stopped listening to them.
Can you recall those times when this has happened to you? You have noticed they have stopped listening.
How does that feel?
But, I can hear you saying as you are reading this, “But, I am sure that what I wanted to say will be important to them, or it can show that I understand them.”
Or, “I know what they are about to say”.
Do you? Really?
Or are you trying to say, “My thoughts are more important than yours, I know more than you do, and just stop talking and let me tell you what you are about to say”? You have lost interest.
When audiences are challenged with these questions, the answer I usually receive is that this behaviour is, “So rude”.
We don’t mean to be this way; most of us are good people, doing the best that we can, based on our experience and knowledge. We are simply unaware of our behaviour.
What does curious mean?
Being curious means moving into a state in which you want to learn more about someone or something, (sometimes this includes their worries and fears, pleasures and joys). Also, finding out something unusual or different, and realising it is worth the time taken to notice.
I recall meeting a new prospect at his club. I asked for him at Reception and they were delighted to take me to him. I noticed that he greeted the Receptionist by name. I subsequently found out that he knew all of the staff by their first name. Not only that, he knew about their job, some of their personal lives and so much more. It was evident that he was extraordinarily loved by so many of the staff, yet he was just one of the members. I asked him why. He said one word. “Curiosity. I am genuinely interested in them, and in doing so they are interested in me.” Each of them feels heard, valued and their contribution matters. Does he get special treatment? You bet he does!
How can you become and remain curious?
- Believe that for the duration of this conversation, the speaker is the most important person in your life.
- Remain still and quiet throughout.
- Believe that they have all the answers to any of the questions they may raise.
- Wonder what is going on for them, at this time, in their life.
- Keep your intention to understand uppermost in your mind.
- Encourage them to speak more, by nodding, smiling, saying quietly, “Aha”, “Mmmm”, etc.
- Should you need to clarify a point, ask a question, using an ‘open’ style of question ideally. (Be mindful of asking, ‘why’ though, as it can seem accusatory).
- When they pause, count to three in your mind, and if they are still quiet, ask, “What more?” or repeat the last word or a word or two from what they just said. You will be surprised how many times you can ask this simple question. When there is no more to say they will smile and say so.
It is quite beautiful to watch how being curious, remaining silent, and deeply listening to a fellow human being, how easily they open up further.
They will;
- Greatly appreciate being in the safe space that you have created, where they are able to think for themselves, feel relaxed and less stressed, and to speak more openly and honestly.
- Feel good because they have been seen and heard.
- Usually share more than they would with others, and often sharing something they have never shared before.
- Typically arrive at their own solutions.
- Trust and like you more.
- Be interested in you and be prepared to listen to you.
How curious can you get today?
Listening to others and not interrupting is, in my opinion, a question of respect, first of all.
There is no doubt then that curiosity has its weight, and that listening is also necessary to understand and then be able to intervene consistently in a discussion.
The key to being interesting is to be interested. Everyone likes to talk about themselves and for this we appreciate people who ask us to talk about us. And then, maybe even just out of courtesy, after talking for a quarter of an hour, we ask him – maybe not always – to talk about themselves. This is how we should behave. Always asking others to talk about themselves and listen to them without interrupting.
We must listen to others by looking for something important in them that we may be interested in or even admire and from which we can learn something.
What we even should do, with every person we are in a relationship with is make an effort to remember some details of the things that are important to them.
All this proves particularly important in relationships (and motivation) with their collaborators: they want to be listened to carefully, they need to feel that we are involved with mind and heart, when we interact. Then, one must immediately begin to listen to them with sincere interest. Only in this way will we achieve great results together.
Great observations as always, Aldo. Thank you, your think ng is appreciated.
We all want to be heard, in many cases we are dying to be heard, literally and figuratively. You speak of finding something of interest in what they are saying, I agree. I would also add, as has happened to me, I have noticed that they simply want to be heard. So I focus on being the best listener I can, encouraging them to speak more, and not worrying at all, what is going on for me. They can listen to me another time. At this moment they need to talk, and to feel heard.
Agreed, if we could shift the global listening dial by one point upwards we would notice a shift.
Colin
Ingrid, the late queen of Denmark, was once asked if it wasn’t boring when so much of her job when traveling across the country was to talk to the people in the old peoples’ homes. She answered that she was never bored because she knew that each had lived a full life and when she allowed herself just to listen, she heard so many stories that she would never have known otherwise.
Love it Charlotte, thank you for your thinking and for sharing. How true, isn’t it. If we go with the intention or expectation of being bored, no surprise we will be.
Reminds me of the story of teachers being given groups of pupils that had been tested for their IQ. The top group were given to one teacher, the next group to another and so on. No surprise that the teachers who believed they had the most intelligent pupils performed best of all. Afterwards they were told the selection was totally random. What had changed was the attitude, intention, expectation of the teachers.
For me, what is key in these situations is noticing in myself what is arising in me. Once I know that I can adjust accordingly.
Colin
Prompted by Aldo’s comment “We must listen to others by looking for something important in them that we may be interested in or even admire and from which we can learn something.” I saw a link to your answer, Colin. We create reality from our expectations of hearing something worth listening to, admiring, learning from, interesting, boring, nothing good ever came out of that person, nothing interesting ever came out of aunt Thilda who looked like this person…
Sometimes we don’t even pay attention to our own expectation and let it influence us mindlessly to the detriment of anybody who are not in our in-group (or who looks like aunt Thilda.)
Thank you Charlotte, an insightful comment.
What arises for me is to notice the moment we are about to switch off and to wonder about the life, the journey, this person has taken. Could we be compassionate enough to want to know more?
As I sit with it, I am wondering if I could sit with anyone, and I mean anyone, and simply listen. Remain curious as to where they may go with their story, their thinking, and have that be enough.
I had it today, listening to someone in a breakout room. They were struggling to tell their story quickly and precisely (my judgements) and I was switching off. I wished it had just been me with them, so they could have got their whole story out. Time took over as everyone was needed to have their turn. Getting the balance was a challenge.
Colin
Being curious and wanting to learn new things is great. If you inadvertently move your mouth when somebody is speaking is not being rude. Occasionally our minds drift which may change our facial expressions. It is rude to interrupt a person when they are speaking or try to talk over them. Very interesting article, Colin.
Thank you Joel, Happy New Year to you. What came up for me when I read your comments, was that you had noticed your mouth moving. When we notice things like that, we also notice the thought arising and how our whole body has been triggered and we are reacting to something. When we notice that, we can pause it and thus enable ourselves to respond rather than react. In your case, your mouth had moved. As our noticing skills evolve and improve, we will have already paused the thought and the mouth will not get moved. Colin
Colin, thank you for your response. Every time I may notice any type of movement there will be other times I will not notice it or I will do something else upon a thought entering my find or another reason. If you are a public speaker or just somebody giving a speech or a presentation you have to focus on what you are saying rather than focusing your attention on your presentation or what you want or need to say. If your audience is not listening you have to try to recapture them. A presenter who is losing his audience will see many signs of restlessness. The same will hold true for somebody who is not effective at public presentations. One on one communication may have the same issues.
Thank you Joel. You make good points. My friend says a good presenter is like surfing the waves, you are doing far more than riding the waves. Complete awareness of everything. The more we can ‘be’ in flow, rather than ‘doing’ the presentation, the more authentic and real it will be, and we will connect to the audience. Colin
Thanks for this reminder Colin! I believe that one of the most important changes we can make to resolve our pressing issues in the world is for everybody to listen to each other. People who feel ignored or taken for granted on a regular basis begin to act out in brazen ways to get attention. Observe any three-year-old after being ignored for a while. I wish we could add a class about listening to our school programs to change how we interact with each other. I am catching myself more and more when conversing with others and it is rewarding to see how my listening brings joy to others and changes the results of the conversation. Great topic!
You sum up the need in the world very well. Start listening to each other, be curious about what it may be like from the other’s perspective. Done well, they could come around your side of the table to understand why you see things the way you do. And why shouldn’t we come to any conversation open enough to have our mind changed, or at least explored? Listen first, listen always.
I enjoyed reading this article. It resonated with me and you added some angles to be aware of in conversation. Thank you, Colin. I’ll be sharing this article.
I appreciate your comments Yvonne and thank you for sharing the article. most kind of you.
I love these brief, concise and topical primers on stuff that “should” (that wonderful word..) be second nature to us all, but isn’t. This is the most precious gem in this mine full of gems: “Believe that for the duration of this conversation, the speaker is the most important person in your life.” If we do that, we are on our way to being totally curious, totally engaged, and totally worthwhile to engage in for any reason. Thank you for this excellent reminder.
Love the should ‘word’ Tom, thank you for sharing. When we believe this person is the most important, that alone is enough to enable all of the other facets of listening to fall into place. You move from doing listening to being a listener.
Colin, this was a great read. It definitely touches upon situations I’m sure we can all relate too. The more mindful we become, the more we start to listen. “Talk to teach, listen to learn”.#opism A best informed response is always A welcome prompt for further communication (in my view anyway). . it’s just the ones that keep cutting you off that teach you they are not either a teacher or a learner..
When this happens to you, you know how it feels..you remember it too. But when someone listens and engages with you, shows a real interest. You perk up and really notice.. and it really does feed the sense of value we all so need and seek
Excellent article. Thank you so much
Have a wonderful day!
Paula
Thank you Paula for your observation. The only downside of learning to listen is that you realise the majority of people don’t listen, and even those who look like they are listening, reveal their truth sooner or later. They can’t help themselves. For example, the overly friendly person who seems to be interested in you and does, at one level, listen quite well. However, there is something incongruent between what they are saying and what they are doing. We can feel it, something is not right, and usually, it is their intent.
You are so right, we know how it feels to be ‘cut off’, and it hurts. On the other hand, when we are listened to and feel heard, it is very special, and we feel it deeply…probably deeply enough to tell others about the experience.
Well said my friend. Have a wonderful day!
Thank you Paula, you too.
Keeping your attention to understand is brilliant, Colin. I believe with that alone do myself in conversations will help me stay engaged, curious and being a good and respectful active listener. People do deserve that type of respect. A thoughtful piece!
Thank you Maureen, I appreciate your comment. Listening is not difficult, we need to be aware of what we are doing and then practice it every time. Start small, such as removing all items that could distract you, look at the speaker when they are speaking and don’t start speaking until they have finished, oh, and when you think they have finished take another breath or two or ask, “What more?”
Such solid points and asking “what more?” “shows such another layer that you are engaged with them and what to be considerate that they were heard and they said everything they needed to say.
The phrase comes from Nancy Kline’s work in Time to Think, and what she found is that you can ask this question of the speaker many times until they agree they have finished. Amusingly, afterwards, it is entirely possible they will only recall some of the times the question was asked.