Well, I haven’t always been single. I was married once many years ago. But one thing is for sure. I have certainly learned a lot along the way coaching people with relationship issues. And, one of the things I have learned is there are a lot of people who settle for a person who is not necessarily right for them. But, for those who are right for each other and genuinely in love, it sometimes seems over time, the excitement is gone and now consider the mate is not who they fell in love with many years ago.
We’ve all heard that opposites attract. And I know in some cases, differences can be exciting and can work. Relationships are not always secure. It is refreshing for me to find a family that is blissfully happy. I will never forget meeting a man sitting next to me on a plane. We struck up a conversation about his family. I was ecstatic to hear how much he loved his wife and his family. I have to say. It’s rare to listen to someone who is so happy with their spouse.
I believe settling for the wrong life-long partner may not always create a happy environment. When you commit to a not-so-perfect person for a mate, you either, ‘go with the flow,’ and make the most out of the situation, or you may become increasingly unhappy. A lot of times, the people who ‘go with the flow’ have no idea what they are missing in life. Conforming becomes a way of life and is their new normal. I’ve even had someone say to me, “I knew if I was going to be with this person, I had to find something to have in common with them.” And, I have to give credit because this person wanted things to work by deciding to fall into a hobby of the partner. I like seeing someone put in the effort, but I also heard this person later state it would cost too much to leave, so the thought was to just tough it out for the sake of avoiding the fight.
Most people who conform to a long-term relationship without that ‘soulmate’ type of connection, end up – if they stay – just decide that it’s better than being alone.
Long-term, could an unhappy relationship work? Of course, it can, but at what cost? My experience, however, does not necessarily show that someone will be content with someone they have to do something unnatural to keep things alive in the relationship. I have seen sometimes it can create resentment if the person is not careful. And, if there is a person out there who they want to be with, isn’t it a shame when happiness is forfeited for ‘things’ rather than finally being with the right one? Most people who conform to a long-term relationship without that ‘soulmate’ type of connection, end up – if they stay – just decide that it’s better than being alone. Their normal of not being happy, but tolerable, is the new normal for the relationship. And indeed, if being in a ho-hum relationship is something someone wants, then that is indeed their choice.
But what I find most of the time is that people in the somewhat comfortably wrong relationship tend to stray. Not saying everyone does this of course, but these are the ones most likely who will eventually want to find the excitement they seek with someone else.
While many do seek solace with someone else …even if it is in a brief meeting or even an online affair, very often do not want to hurt their significant other, but are very willing to venture out to feel alive again. Typically it is a validation to ensure they are still attractive and wanted by someone else. But, I have to ask. If you were that person they were leaving to venture out to get that ‘high’ they seek, would you want to know? I see so many that their mate has no idea the person they trust is not 100% faithful. But, I have heard from some, “Oh don’t worry, they do their own thing too, so it’s ok for me to see you.” But, I dare to guess if that person was right in front of them, things would be different.
When you consider what not being true to someone means, is it just a physical affair or is it a flirting affair? Is one or the other ok or neither? I guess the answer to that question is within one’s self-belief. Most people feel if they don’t have a physical relationship, that the secret online or on site flirting is ok. Some go so far as thinking it is ok to have a physical affair as long as they are not caught. So, what is right and what is wrong?
I think we all have to be accountable for what we do and can indeed create our own life. But, I do believe we have an obligation to those who are our loved ones. Honestly, I had a physical affair happen in my marriage, and I was totally blind-sided and extremely hurt when I found out our friends knew, but not a single person told me. I felt incredibly betrayed by my friends who used the same excuse my husband did….that they did not want to hurt me. I trusted my husband and my friends, but all turned their backs on me. I was devastated. Do you want to do that to someone in your life?
So, my guide to ensuring a happy life:
- Do not be afraid to be alone. It’s not bad out here!
- If you want to be with someone else, leave your current relationship and be honest with your partner. No amount of ‘stuff’ is worth being unhappy.
- Take the time to discover who you are and what you want in a life-partner.
- Others may think something is wrong with you because you are not with someone. Don’t worry…..I’ve got a lot of people thinking something is wrong with me. You will live.
- If you meet someone you are enjoying, remember….everyone puts their best foot forward at first. Date long enough to know if this is the right person for you.
- How do you know if ‘they’ are the right person? Ask yourself if you can live without them?
- If you find that you made a wrong choice and you are not happy, don’t step out and have an affair. Have the courage to discuss with your loved one how you are feeling. You may find out you are not all that either!
- If 90% of your relationship is good, but the 10% is not ….talk to your significant other. Your partner may not even realize something they are doing is causing you to be unhappy and may either get help or be willing to make a compromise. Give them a chance!
- A good guide….If you would not do or say something in front of your mate, then don’t do it. This guide is a natural ‘rule of thumb.’
- All relationships, even the ones with your soul mate, will have rough spots. Give it time.
- Communication is key to any relationship. Talk to each other.
- Take the time each day to stop what you are doing (we are all guilty of running 50 miles an hour) and reconnect, just you two every single day.
I agree that relationships can get hard. Being with the same person day in and day out can get boring. Make it exciting. Stop doing the same thing each week. Making your weeks exciting will breathe life into the relationship. Never take your love for granted.
Creating happiness in a relationship can be the most rewarding human thing you do in your life. You owe it to yourself and your life partner to honestly sit back and enjoy the best life has to offer. Find that person who appreciates what you like to do or at least willing to spend time with you experiencing your joys in life, and in-turn reciprocate.
I have two friends of mine who I model what I feel a good relationship is…..When I mentioned to one of them how much I valued what they have and hoped one day I would find someone to enjoy life as they do together. He looked at me and said, “This is truly my very best friend, and I always want to be with her and do everything together. Our life is an adventure every single day. We wake up with smiles and go to bed with a smile. Life is good!”
Take time to find the right person for you. And, if you are having trouble finding them……do what you love, keep a smile on your face, and keep a positive attitude. You eventually will draw in the right people to your life. Never give up on true love!