Once you have created your contract with your Peer Mentor, and have begun meeting (either in person, via Skype, email or telephone) there are certain guidelines for the process of communication.
The “what” part of your communication is the content of how you are each progressing towards your goals, and the actual sharing of resources with each other.
The “how” of your interactions, is the process, the manner in which you communication various aspects of your ongoing relationship.
For example, you may be frustrated with the number of times your partner has cancelled or shown up late for your appointment. Or feel that the amountof time you have devoted to his/her goal achievement far exceeds the amount of help you have gotten.
He or she may feel the same way, in these or other aspects of your relationship. Like any good partnership, relationship, friendship or business alliance, all will not go smoothly, all the time.
So it’s important to have a skillful way to express your feelings, describe what your expectations are and feel free to tell your Peer/Mentor what you’re pleased about and where you feel things are falling short.
Feedback Guidelines
Feedback is a way of helping another person to consider changing his/her behavior. It is communication ot a person (or a group) which gives that person information about how she/he affects others.
Feedback helps an individual keep his behavior “on target” and thus better achieve his/her goals.
Some criteria for useful feedback:
It is descriptive rather than evaluative. By describing one’s own reaction, it leaves the individual free to use it as she/he sees fit. By avoiding evaluative language, it reduces the need for the individual to react defensively.
It is specific rather than general. To be told that one is “dominating” will probably not be as useful as to be told that “just now when were deciding the issue, you did not listen to what others said, and I felt forced to either accept your arguments or face attack from you”.
It takes into account the needs of both the receiver and giver of feedback. Feedback can be destructive when it serves only our own needs and fails to consider the needs of the person on the receiving end.
It is directed toward behavior which the receiver can do something about. Frustration is only increased when a person is reminded of some shortcoming over which she/he has no control.
It is solicited, rather than imposed. Feedback is most useful whenthe receiver himself/herself has formulated the kind of question which those observing him/her can answer.
It is well-timed. In general, feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after the given behavior (depending, of course, on the person’s readiness to hear it, support available from others, etc.)
It is checked to insure clear communication. One way of doing this is to have the receiver try to rephrase the feedback he has received to see if it corresponds to what the sender had in mind.
Feedback, then, is a way of giving help; it is a corrective mechanism for the individual who wants to learn how well his/her behavior matches his/her intentions
How to Handle Criticism
Many of us are uncomfortable handling criticism. Receiving criticism may make us feel hurt or put down. Criticism given unassertively, or without compassion may lead us to believe that we have hurt other people’s feelings, or they won’t like us.
Not giving criticism at all may lead us to feel frustrated, hurt, puzzled or dissatisfied. Unless we clear up assumptions about others as well as stating what our own needs are, we will repeat unhelpful and possibly destructive patterns.
RECEIVING CRITICISM
An assertive response to criticism consists of asking for clarification in a firm, calm and direct manner indicating if you consider the criticism unfair. Example: Your boss says “this report is inadequate, do it over”.
Assertive response “I worked hard on this report and think I did a good job. Please explain to me what, specifically, about the report you consider inadequate.
GIVING CRITICIS
Giving criticism involves negative feedback on someone’s work, personal actions or habits.
- Giving criticism assertively requires being direct and specific. Indicate what the problem is in statement rather than question form. Example: Please do your share of the paperwork. I feel uncomfortable that you leave that part of your daily work so often. I need those figures for my work on a regular basis.”
- Give the criticism as soon as possible after the incident. Example: “I want to speak to you about something that bothered me at the meeting this morning. Can we meet for lunch today?”
- Make sure your criticism is of the specific problem rather than of the entire person. Example: “I feel angry and upset when you use my ideas at meetings without giving me credit”.
- Try to make your criticism in a positive way. Example: “Points x and y should also be included in this report, otherwise it is very good. I can tell you put a lot of work into this.
