It’s been seventeen years since my divorce. We were young, too young to get married. As a result, we spent nine years together only to grow apart. My spouse didn’t know how to truly love someone and I didn’t know how not to. So you can see how I was on the receiving end of most of the hurt. But you do not see the rationalizations while in the midst of tribulation. Neither of us could see we were not “evenly yolked”.
I take that term to mean three things. One, evenly accepting of Christ upon entering matrimony; two matched to suit one another’s wants and needs, and three have the same love for one another with the ability to express it. I have no doubt that we loved one another back in the day, but as I search my memory to find the exact moment it all went wrong, I cannot.
Did we fall out of love? Grow apart? Cause irreparable damage? Or All three? Perhaps, I don’t know. I do know that we both changed from a loving young couple to a broken rendition of who we once were.
Although I’ll honestly feel like I loved him with all my heart then, I can’t say how he felt. I can only speak for myself. And that right there is where closure comes in.
For some reason, I want to know if he ever loved me. Through nine or ten years of our young adult lives, did he have true feelings for me or was I something he “won”, so to speak, like a teddy bear at the county fair? I’m definitely no Miss American, but I was no troll either. So, what motivated him from the very beginning. My virginity? My unavailability as men saw me? Or did he want to get to know me? Was it love at first sight?
For me, I took one look into his pretty brown eyes and I just knew he was my Mr. Right. We were no longer the kids struggling through high school together. We were passionate young adults. It wasn’t about what kind of man he was growing into or the woman I’d become because I was satisfied with the fact that I felt love at first sight.
I thought I was grown. Grown enough to know what love was anyway. Fresh out of the confines of our childhood home, while we were un-attaching ourselves to that which bound us, I unconsciously was searching someone else to cling to. I latched on to him for dear life. No matter what he did wrong or what anyone else said, I wouldn’t let go. At least not yet. This cost me much happiness, love, and eventually my peace of mind.
While trying to reconcile some months after our divorce, he asked me to teach him how to love. I was empathic to him then but now I wonder. Did he actually not know how to love me? Or, was he saying he never did? Was our life together based on a lie? I do overthink things but when it comes down to it, this is all I want to know. t would help that small place in my heart still holding a torch for him to completely heal. Whether his answer is yes or no, I’ll know and I’ll have my closure. Do we really need these answers to be whole?
My advice for those going through this or something similar would be to dismiss the need for closure. The truth is you probably will never get it from your ex-partner and that’s ok. Don’t feel as if you can’t be whole until you have closure. I’m speaking to myself as well. Closure should not be the thread that sews your heart back together, growth should. As you move away from the need for closure, think about how YOU can make YOURSELF happy. In reality, in my case, it’s been over a decade and a half, I have love in my life, peace, joy, and most of all God. I claim my heart and life back! That’s my closure. Let it be yours as well.