“Contemplating change” is a daunting concept. There are so many aspects to consider, the pros and cons of the possible impact on one’s lifestyle and others. Well, this is the way my brain works.
The positive side of change can often outway the negative. The more significant the challenge, the bigger the potential reward and learning curve, but why do we celebrate such struggle in our society?
Is it possible to move freely to a different way of living, and being? Sometimes the outer changes make inner change easier.
Is it possible when we make a physical move, we send a very clear message to our hurt self we are also important? Do we regard ourselves as more important than the abuser, the challenging situation, other’s opinions, or expectations?
Why is it? We are trained to stay small, to accommodate bullies, abusers, manipulators, unsympathetic or unempathetic people. To ignore our needs wants and desires, Not ask for help, encouragement, or what we feel we need. Do we have something to prove to ourselves or others that we can rough it out? That we can be the bigger person, the more loving, supportive, etc., at a cost to ourselves?
There are several reasons for doing these things, and all stem from fear and conditioning. Fortunately, communities are becoming more trauma aware. We are starting to see how damaging, undermining, and incredibly scaring unloving behaviour is in our society. Collectively we are becoming less tolerant of abusive relationships in any setting and opening ways for the underdog to heal and move towards feeling more confident and accepted in their differences.
Remember, though – hurt people hurt others.
The bully, abuser, manipulator, etc., also express a coping strategy and pain point they are feeling.
Considering that we are responsible for ourselves, do we have the responsibility to be the one who changes? Become less triggered, more empathetic allowance of other’s challenges, see beyond, and put structures that support the power challenge?
Is saying no to unhealthy behaviour, strengthening our boundaries, and acceptable behaviour standards a critical part of creating healthy change? To make a stand from love to self and offer others the opportunity to address their challenges in their psyche?
By taking a stand, does this also set a bar for others to rise to, and not limit ourselves to stay low? Can our society and current culture hold space for both, encouraging both parties to heal from the symbiotic relationship of the abuser/abused dynamic? After all, to create a relationship, even dysfunctional ones, there is an agreement of how the dynamic will play out. When one pushes back or creates a difference, the dance needs to stop, change or submit back into the dynamic.
I know many of these questions may seem crazy, but change must start with someone saying, “This is not acceptable.” Now, this could be said to ourselves when we choose to change to create a life we chose to live by, or we say it to others as a way to self-protect, self-respect, and self-love.
There isn’t a single solution for all scenarios; this adds to the complexity of change, more so when one refuses to address issues, choosing not to consider the impact their pained parts have on others, in the workplace, families, communities, and countries even.
But, as discussed over the past few weeks, change brings more love when inspired from the place of love. Yes, there is a period of upheaval and challenges in the process. When self-love is the end objective, the end result creates a life of choice.
Yes, you can choose to stay in challenging situations because they still feel easier, manageable and familiar, and, therefore, less stressful. However, I still encourage you to explore other coping methods and empower yourself to create a different way of safety that doesn’t include being mentally, emotionally, or physically abused or violated. This takes courage and a willingness to unlearn the trauma, lift the veil of learnt fear, and make informed choices for you, your children, and society.”