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Career Resilience Through Lessons Learned

–another decade-ful of Stories: More Lessons Learned

Sometimes my contribution to a conversation isn’t necessary or helpful.

Another big lesson in my 40s has been to stop lying to myself about certain character traits and behaviors.

I used to think I was that empathetic friend with a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to be that friend. After an interaction with a woman who came to me multiple times every week for a couple of months, crying and re-sharing her story of devastating emotional trauma, I realized I’m not that friend.

Susan, you need to stop reliving that experience and choose your next story, your next adventure. I love you and you are always welcome here. I am just not the friend with an unending shoulder to cry on – I’m the friend you come to for a kick in the ass. I’m the friend who will sit with you and listen, and then ask the hard questions to help you find solutions, and I’ll stick by you and encourage you as you move forward.

She left my house with a puzzled, lost expression on her face, and I returned to the dining room to tell my husband what I had said to our guest. I felt terrible, partly because I thought I had hurt her feelings, and partly because I was so disappointed to acknowledge I was not the kind of friend I thought I was. My friend came over a week later and we invited her in for dinner. She smiled as I welcomed her into the kitchen and put her to work peeling carrots. She had a light about her that I hadn’t seen since we met, which was within 8 weeks of the trauma she shared with me in those recent months.

Thank you, Sarah. You were the friend I needed last week. No one else said those words to me in that way. You made me stop to think about what I want next in my life, and for the first time since this started, I am feeling a tiny bit hopeful.

It’s so important to acknowledge aspects of yourself that you might be uncomfortable with, and either address them or own them. Each person in my life serves a different purpose. I know who to talk to when I need a shoulder to cry on, and I know who will offer the kick-in-the-ass I might need. Now I know which role I fill, and I find it far more satisfying.

There are a couple of other lies I was telling myself about who I was, and as I became more aware of them, I either embraced my truth or changed my behavior.

I thought I was a kind person until I caught myself talking badly behind someone’s back. I could have excused the behavior by blaming her for her unkindness, but it was my behavior that was impacting ME. I couldn’t call myself kind if I was doing that, and certainly wasn’t going to embrace that behavior. The consequence was that I didn’t LIKE myself when I behaved that way.

What are your internal lies? Are you not as kind or considerate as you think you are? Are you a complainer who carries a constant cloud around you? Are you truly a good friend to people – do you show up?

If you aren’t consistently just as respectful to the checker at the grocery store, or the server at a restaurant, as you are to a CEO, if you post hostile, personally insulting comments online, or if you don’t clean up after your dog, you might be lying to yourself about being a kind and considerate person.

If you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of complaining, without talking also about potential solutions or gratitude for other things in your life, you might be lying to yourself about being a positive, upbeat person that people want to spend time with.

If you talk behind the backs of people, or you don’t show up for friends when you say you will,  you might be lying to yourself about what kind of friend you really are.

When I was lying to myself about the kind of friend I thought I was, I did damage to myself and to those I was trying help. It was uncomfortable for me to be something I wasn’t, and I’m sure those friends I was trying to serve could see right through my efforts. Where is the trust in that?

To continue that disconnect, which I could have, I’d have to be very clear to myself about what I was doing, and be okay with the consequences. Those were likely to be more discomfort around friends, loss of friendships due to loss of trust, and the loss of my potential to help by being true to myself.

What are the consequences of the lies you’re telling yourself? Do you like yourself? Are you satisfied with who you are, truly?

There is so much beauty in growing older if we embrace these opportunities to learn about ourselves, change what isn’t working for us, and choose generosity, kindness, and curiosity in every aspect of our lives.

My definition of success at 49 is different from my definition of success in my 20s or 30s.

25 years ago my definition of success would be very different from my definition today, as I near the half-century mark. (Whoa, that sounds BIG!) The beauty of aging – for me – has been a distinct shift in how I view, build, and maintain relationships. I’ve learned to remove toxic people from my life, surround myself with people who truly want the best for me and for our global community, and focus my attention on relationships, not things.

I’ve learned to be more comfortable in my skin.

After all, when this life comes to a grinding halt, whenever that may be, I’ll know that I was a success, based on the quality of the relationships in my life.

What will you learn in this decade of your life? What regrets will you avoid by taking steps every day to change your path?

Did I mention I love birthdays?

Thank you for listening to Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them, Will. To learn more about what a communication coach can do to help you and your team nurture relationships and improve outcomes, visit Elkins Consulting.com.

Sarah Elkins
Sarah Elkinshttp://elkinsconsulting.com/
Sarah is a communication coach, Gallup certified Strengths coach, keynote speaker, writer, and professional musician. Sarah uses storytelling as the foundation of her work with management teams and individual clients to improve communication and relationships. Her podcast, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will focuses on storytelling themes, the primary concept being that the stories you choose to tell - and how you choose to tell them - impact your internal messages and the perception of those around you. Her podcast was named in the top 50 in the category of emotional intelligence on player.fm. Her passion for connecting people and helping them learn to better connect with others is embodied in the events she hosts, No Longer Virtual, which are small, interactive conferences based on the theme of connecting beyond the keyboard, recognized twice by Forbes as “Can’t Miss Events for Entrepreneurs” in 2017 & 2018.

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7 CONVERSATIONS

  1. Sarah,
    Thank you for writing this article that contained so much insight, inspiration, human interest and more. You taught me some very valuable lessons about myself that revealed so many things I was doing or did wrong.

    • Wonderful to hear from you, Joel, thank you for the comments. I’m looking forward to more interactions and sharing on this platform!

  2. Thank you for this article, Sarah. I really appreciate your sharing these important lessons, which I continue to learn, to know when to remain quiet, to really listen for what another needs, to speak when it contributes value, and to have the wisdom to choose which of these would be most useful to the conversation/interaction. I’m so sorry for all the loss you endured and celebrate all the joys you experienced during this past decade. I’m grateful for your vulnerability, honesty, and wisdom gleaned.

    • A few years ago I said to my friend (in her 70s) that I was a little disappointed I hadn’t found this calling as a coach and storyteller earlier in life. She said: “You had to experience ALL of what you experienced to be able to have the impact you can have now. You couldn’t have provided the insight and value to your clients without all of that experience.”

      Priceless wisdom. Thank you, Laura, for being part of this outstanding community of authentic leaders.

    • Sarah, thank you for sharing what your friend (in her 70s!) shared with you. This really softens my patience as I grow CYW. I must be needing to experience even more to expand the impact. This is priceless wisdom that allows me to breathe deeper, to continue to integrate all that I’m learning, and be of love and service to others. I’m grateful you have joined the community. What a joy to share this platform with you and many other thoughtful, inspiring individuals and leaders.

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