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Can You Reach Wholeness Without Others?

You are an unapologetic truth-teller

You don’t need to twist the truth or wear any mask. Manipulators lie pathologically to deceive and exploit. When it comes to the kind souls, they cannot confront, stand for the right thing, and speak their truth because they lack bravery, internal security, and character strength. They are too afraid of being rejected. They need to fit in. They need to be accepted for the sake of feeling their self-worth from the external world. Their intrinsic one has been discriminated against.

When you have a secure attachment style, you speak your voice no matter what. You don’t care about how others perceive you. You know that the right people will always understand. You know your voice needs to be heard and might help someone; thus, you don’t hesitate to talk about critical topics publicly, not even for a second.

You can make people feel an uneasiness because of their denial coping mechanism and how hard it is to break it. But the good news is that, even when you tell the truth authentically, you will not offend. Downgrading others, stigmatizing them, giving subjective opinions fueled by the distorted lens is not part of your arena. Your truth is fueled by the principles.

You don’t engage with aggressive behaviors

When you move to the secure attachment style, you progressively develop your emotional maturity. You become aware of the reality that people’s behavior tells much more about who they are than it is personal. David J. Pollay said it best:

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Believe me. You’ll be happier.

Thus, you are not quick to anger with strangers. It doesn’t mean you don’t get angry. The emotion is natural and triggered by your body without you having any control over it. Then, this emotion is sent to your subconscious program. Depending on the quality of your program, the anger emotion is either transformed into an anger feeling or a different one.

Practicing self-awareness is responsible for creating the space between the stimulus and the answer. It is the possibility to think about your very thought process. Self-awareness is what makes you destroy your limiting beliefs so that your subconscious program becomes your friend and that you set the servant leader in you free!

If it is that amazing, why isn’t that common to use it? Because of a difference between the conscious and subconscious minds: the speed. The conscious mind is the one responsible for self-awareness. It is too slow comparing to the subconscious mind.

Let me give you an idea: the conscious mind operates at 40 bits per sec, while the subconscious mind speed reaches 40 MILLION bits per sec. No — your eyes are not playing tricks on you. This, according to some serious studies, is leading to operating from your subconscious program — or what some of you are probably familiar with calling on auto-pilot mode at, at least, 90% of our day. More to the point, for you to use this unique self-awareness endowment and re-write your program, you first need to know about it! Second, you have to be intentional and practice it daily.

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.

~Stephen Covey

When you unbecome the filter and move to the secure attachment style, a typical behavior in the circumstances described above is that you would pity those garbage tracks, smile, and move on with your life. Here was a recent personal experience:

“I was on my way back home after two exercising sessions. The traffic was horrible. A guy was trying to get out of a parking lot and join the line. Nobody let him. It was late, and everybody was in their head and, most probably, willing to reach their destination and relax as soon as possible. I stopped my car and gave him my priority. I didn’t deserve any thank you. He was too entitled to even think about it. I felt pity for him, smiled, and drove my car again. Around one-third of a mile later, another guy was trying to get into his car, but it was too tight. Can you guess what happened? Let me help you. I stopped my car again. He didn’t even bother looking in my direction. That’s when I realized he wasn’t waiting for the drivers’ permission; rather afraid of causing some harm to his treasured belonging.”

What about your direct circle? What if you have toxic people in your family or workplace? Unlike what you can do with friends — deciding to go no contact — it could be tricky to opt for the same choice when your survival depends on an abusive family member or boss.

We probably need to clarify some detail here: when dealing with people that you think they love and value you — a parent, for instance — your righteous anger emotion level is way higher than the one triggered by strangers. Let’s always keep in mind that anger is the emotion of self-preservation. When we feel angry, we want to preserve one of those two elements:

> Our sense of worth “would you please show me respect and treat me as a decent person?”
> Our legitimate needs “Hey I’ve got needs; please acknowledge them, recognize them, will you?”

Interestingly, even when you are a secure person, and that you live by the wisdom introduced above, it could be very challenging not to transform the anger emotion into the anger feeling, no matter how friendly your subconscious program could be. How come? The healthy belief you have in your program is that people who care would not dare violate your emotional boundaries. They would not devalue you. They would not diminish your needs. They would not gaslight you — make you doubt your reality. They would not invalidate your feelings just after hurting them, and the list goes on. It is the arena of healthy relationships. In other words, when the person with whom you are interacting is an abuser, the only way to stop getting angry is to educate yourself about the numerous manipulation & abuse strategies. That is you drastically lower your expectations and don’t engage emotionally anymore — at least until you can secure your escape plan.

To give you an example: let’s suppose I confirmed a friend I love was a narcissist, and that I don’t know that narcissists are aware of their abuse and manipulation, that they’re unlikely to seek help for three main reasons:

> Their grandiosity pattern making them never admit there’s something wrong with them at all.
> Having constant access to their narcissistic supply, which they get in general from their partner and kids (the real reason why they have families) — close friends if they don’t have any.
> Even without the supply, the spiritual ones use the positive affirmations; a topic I explored in detail here.

Do you think that I could give up on helping this friend until the last breath? Chances are I wouldn’t. I would lose my time, energy, and life for a perpetrator who would continue manipulating and exploiting me.

To come back to wholeness, if you think of it as being secure, you are not alone. I used the same definition here sixteen months ago. Guilty as charged! It is the reason why I consider humility as the most lovable virtue of all. We are continuously unlearning and learning again from experts who spent way more time reflecting and working on some topics of interest! My legendary mentor of all times was the trigger to review my definition of wholeness.

Myriam Ben Salem
Myriam Ben Salemhttps://unleashgreatness.blogspot.com/
I am deeply passionate about everything life has to offer. Writing has been my very favorite means to educate my audience, captivate their attention, talk to their emotions, and make them relate and take action. I have been honored by working as a columnist for BIZCATALYST 360°, an Award-Winning life, culture, and biz new media digest, serving as the global hub for enhanced performance and well-being, during 2020. Also, I am a contributing author in Mayhem to Miracles: True Stories of Courage, Triumph, and Peace. I am so in love with writing that I have a peaceful smile drawn on my face whenever I start visualizing the books I will be writing for whoever will be tempted to discover an inclusive philosophy breaking with all the stigmas! I was born in Tunisia, a small country in North Africa. I did pretty much everything earlier than the average: walking, talking, singing, dancing. Promoted throughout my entire education, I was also the leader of every end-of-year party. At some point, after working several years for multinational companies as an engineer, team leader, project coordinator, and product owner while always being a top performer, I figured out I was feeling miserable despite the 'perfect external image'. That marked the starting point of an existential crisis followed by an episode that triggered my re-birth and the beginning of the most rewarding adventure of my whole existence: re-writing my subconscious program and reconnecting with my true self. I was saved at the last moment through an out-of-body experience making me see all the lies, realize this gigantic Universe was not revolving around me. Most importantly, I was able to visualize I was here to leave a legacy like all of you, no matter how big or small! The butterfly took time to emerge though. Today, I identify myself as a Universal Citizen. Like-minded and light-hearted people are what I call home. I am deeply passionate about everything life has to offer, and was granted the edutainer qualifier: a combination between education and entertainment! I educate on the importance of healing unsuspected traumas, seeing our limiting beliefs and biases with honest lenses, finding one's purpose and a principled mission that goes beyond the self, and unleashing the hidden potential so that to leave our legacy for the generations unborn. I have been using a panoply of means that could vary from explicit ones such as mentorship, speaking, and writing, a skill that emerged naturally during my self-actualization process to implicit mediums like storytelling, how I daily show up in the world and model servant leadership! Writing is my very favorite and most preferred tool deployed for my mission. The topics I explore are in the nexus of stoic philosophy, psychology, neuroplasticity, epigenetics, and pretty much any topic involving human behavior. Common denominator? The quality of the subconscious program. You may have a look at some of my works published on my website; Set Yourself Free.

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