It requires sensitivity as to when you speak about those paths. It is not appropriate to speak of them when the person is not yet receptive. It is best to begin in a general place (even if you have specifics in mind). For example, I know you’re a strong person. I know you’ll get through this. You have a lot of friends who are willing to help you. You are not alone.
Often, the mere act of holding someone and giving him or her space to experience their current emotions is all you can do in that moment. But rather than drop down into their emotional state while you hold the person, do your best to see the potential for a better future.
Our society tends to hug too briefly for the therapeutic benefits. An 18-second hug feels long to most westerners but that is how long it takes for a wonderful chemical cocktail to be released by the body that is soothing and healing.
Sometimes I will write down the potential I see in the other person if they are not ready to hear about the silver linings I see. I may or may not ever share what I write but what it does is strengthen my expectation for their recovery in a way that helps to make my expectation more dominant. This has a beneficial effect on them that is explained in my book based on something quantum physicists have discovered.
It’s not much different than what many parents do naturally when their child has suffered a disappointment. Although some parents become angry and belligerent when their child does not attain a desired role in the school play, many will be sympathetic while also recognizing the learning opportunity. They may feel glad that the child is learning that even though disappointments are painful, they live through them and will recover. They may feel grateful the child has the opportunity to learn this while the parent is still around to provide comfort. The parent that knows the child who is hurting, for example, because her best friend invited someone else to go with her to the circus, will feel better and will have many fun times in her life is of much greater value to the child than the parent who feels anger, resentment, and jealousy on behalf of the child–the empathetic response. I think it is easier to see the type of stance I recommend when we look at parent-child relationships but it works equally well with friends, and employee/boss relationships. It even works with strangers the news media thrusts into your home.
Not latching on to empathy doesn’t mean you won’t work toward solving the problem if there is something you can do. The perspective many people seem to convey is that we have to be empathetic to solve the big problems. But we’re smart creatures. We don’t have to steep ourselves in how it would feel to know we’d like to do something about these problems such as families living in war zones, hunger, poverty, and other adversities people live with around the world. It is immediately apparent that peace, plenty of food, abundance, and other pleasing circumstances would be better for everyone. Einstein said:
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
When we look at a problem in the way I recommend, we immediately turn our attention toward solutions. Empathy, the way much of the world encourages it, keeps us focused on the problem. You have to focus on solutions to solve problems.
Let’s look at this from another angle. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another but our society encourages going to the lowest common denominator with empathy. A situation where both people feel the emotional state of the one who is at the lowest emotional point. What I recommend is, when the person in the lower emotional state is ready to reach for better-feeling emotions, that the one who sees the potential be the one that is empathized with. This process raises the emotional state of the one who is in the lower emotional state.
Now you know the rest of the story and why I recommend managers strive to see the potential in their employees so they can help employees see it too. Caring doesn’t mean feeling badly because someone else is feeling badly. Caring means doing anything you can to help and seeing the person overcoming challenges is more motivational that lamenting about the current reality.
Resources
Although the explanation in this article is long, it is not complete because there are nuances that can help a person develop the skills to become more naturally positively focused. True Prevention—Optimum Health: Remember Galileo provides many of those nuances as well as techniques that help individuals develop skills that help them feel good and see the potential and silver linings that are always present. Citations to research I mention are available in my books and on my website. I provide training programs that increase authenticity and positivity.
The only way to really understand these skills is to use them yourself and feel resonance with the improved outcomes. Just as you cannot imagine precisely what it is like to play the violin if you’ve never held one in your hands, these skills are best proved to yourself, by yourself, through the act of paying attention to how you feel as you use them
Jeanine Joy is an author, trainer, and keynote speaker intent on helping individuals and organizations thrive more in spite of adversity. Her latest book, Burnout: Prevention and Recovery: Resilience and Retention details solutions to burnout and gives insights to its causes and actions individuals and organizations can take to mitigate stress. If you would like to learn how she can help your organization thrive more, contact her.
Bibliography
Barasch, M. I., & Hirshberg , C. (1995). Remarkable Recovery: What Extraordinary Healings Tell Us About Getting Well and Staying Well.
Joy, Ph.D., J. (2016). Empowered Employees become Engaged Employees. Concord: Thrive More Now Publishing.
[1] (Joy, Ph.D., 2016)
[2] (Barasch & Hirshberg , 1995)
Awesome article. I recently wrote and posted an article in LI myself that discussed the fact that a managers responsibility was to guide and support employees into finding their own purpose and value within the workplace. My piece was based on my perspective and not researched like this article However, I came to a similar conclusion regarding self-worth and value in the workplace. Too many employees put the determination of their value back on the organization, and as a result feel “under-valued”. Getting stuck in co-rumination really means their issue becomes mine as well. I sincerely believe it is a gift to be able to lift employees to see their potential vs. enabling their negative emotions. EQ can be a managers best friend, or worst enemy. As for myself, I try hard and generally succeed. Great read!
Good read. I run into too many people that call what you wrote about as “being weak”. I don’t agree at all. It takes a lot of strength to show emotions and empathy.
What an amazing article Dr Joy! Hats off to you dissecting this topic into one that everyone can understand and more so – relate to. As a fellow researcher, I loved the fact that you explained the reality of what ‘goes on behind the scenes’ when figures, ratios, and data are presented to awe readers. So many factors are involved that even positing the basic variables can’t truly garner what many assume as being represented in those results.
The definition you’ve provided clearly and concisely illustrates genuine happiness –
it’s not a constant Cheshire smile eluding to a rainbows- and- unicorns state of being. Rather, as you explained, its a mindset. Our mindsets transcend into our actions and behaviors. As such, a healthy degree of self-awareness and self-management may also help the manager who is striving for continuous improvement.
In further support, I agree that a strengths-based approach is preferred. After all – we’re human. Nobody needs a gamut of efforts-to-be-empathetic when they’ve hit a bump in the road. Closing ranks and striving to discover and practice appropriate empathy is one thing. Establishing a relationship that can and will sustain a more realistic view is even better – we can certainly appreciate the concept of empathy, but just like anything – taken to an extreme, we can’t [shouldn’t] afford to lose sight that our perception is truly our reality. I think we all want and prefer a positive one at the end of the day~