Research
Researchers have looked at empathy and found some surprising results. The negative emotional hit that someone who is feeling empathy feels is often worse than the negative emotional hit the person who is actually experiencing the loss feels. The person in the actual situation begins accepting the situation almost as soon as they experience it. The researchers looked at individuals who had lost a child in a natural disaster—a devastating experience. But once it happens, the parent begins the process of accepting the loss whereas the person empathizing with the loss does things like imagine how awful it would be if that were to happen to them and their child. (Consider this when you subject yourself to the nightly reports of violence you allow in your home and psyche.)
Researchers have also looked at and recorded the body’s responses to pain and the watchers’ negative hit is worse than the person who, for example, hits his thumb with a hammer.
I found the research interesting and eye-opening. Our imaginations are powerful and when we are the observer, our imagination is able to make our emotional response worse than that of the person actually experiencing the loss.
Other research demonstrates that our pets are mood lifters. When you’re emotionally upset your dog or cat is likely to notice but they will not join you in your low emotional state. Our family dog will sit with anyone who is emotionally upset, seeming to offer comfort, but the moment she senses the person might be ready to feel better she’ll try to start licking them and it always works.
Instead, see the Potential Benefits ASAP
For example, one of my friends lost her job last year. Upon hearing her news I was upset for her—for something less than about 60 seconds. I have trained myself to see the silver lining so my mind automatically went to thoughts that felt better, in this case they included:
She hated that job anyway and would have probably stayed too long, continuing to be unhappy for long periods of time each day. It was hurting her health and now she will find something better. She is a well-qualified professional in her field. I am confident she will find something she likes better. This change could lessen her long commute and may make more money in her new job. This is going to turn out well for her. In fact, Joe was telling me he was looking for someone for a similar position last time we talked, I’ll introduce them. Joe would really appreciate her talents and I think they’d work well together.
If I had stayed in a state of empathy, feeling angry on her behalf, it might have been days before I recalled the fact that Joe was looking for someone. I would also not have been in a position to help her remember that she is talented and well-qualified and the fact that her former employer did not appreciate her does not mean she isn’t. The employer could have had myriad reasons for letting her go that had nothing to do with her talent or skill. Perhaps he wanted someone he has a relationship with or a familial relationship. It does not matter. It could have been that her dislike of the work did impact her performance (almost certainly somewhat true), which does not say she would not be highly competent in another role, but that the structure of that particular position did not suit her strengths and/or personality.
In a broad sense, what I encourage in lieu of empathy after that first hit that is pretty inevitable is to look for the silver lining and then help the person see it for herself. See the potential the person has for wellness, for great relationships, for success. See it so clearly that you expect that for them. I won’t go into it here, in True Prevention—Optimum Health: Remember Galileo I expand on it, but research has shown that we have the ability to influence others significantly with our expectations of them.
The ability to see the person fully recovered from whatever is wrong serves them far better than you feeling as they do—despair, hopelessness, anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, frustration, fear, etc.
When you emphasize and feel as they feel your cognitive abilities restrict and you see the world as they do—from a narrowed viewpoint—a viewpoint that cannot see the good possibilities in the future.
When you see the person for their potential, your emotional state remains at a higher level and you have the ability to influence them to move in a better-feeling emotional direction.
It really is most difficult to teach people who knew you before you were an expert. I understand why. The point is that I do spend time with people who do not do as I do. My friends seek me out when they are troubled because they have learned that I help them find a way to feel better. Seeing the good possibilities feels better than having the negative emotions validated via empathy. I don’t judge their emotions. Emotions are responses to thoughts that we think that assume a specific perspective. We have the ability to change our perspective and feel better but most people assume when they feel a thought that feels bad that it is the only way to look at the situation.
If the emotional response to the thought feels bad there is always a better-feeling way to look at the situation.
Helping someone see their potential is a gift.
I’ll go back to the example of the man who found out his wife cheated on him. One of the very first things I go to when someone’s relationship rules are violated in this way is reminding the person that the desire they have is for a relationship with integrity with someone they trust who agrees to the rules for the relationship that they desire. They obviously did not have that and now they know. They did not have that before the actual cheating occurred because if they did the person would not have cheated. I also help them see that the cheating has nothing to do with them—it does not say they are not a good partner. The cheating was about the person who made the decision to cheat.
Our behavior is always the result of a combination of things including our current emotional state. Share examples of people whose first marriage ended and after a while, they find that they are delighted with the outcome. I’ll share my own story about how devastated I was when my first husband cheated and then talk about eventually writing a thank you letter to the other woman. At the point in time that I realized how much better my life had become than it ever would have had I remained married to him, I felt gratitude to her for taking him off my hands. This gives hope when the person is feeling hopeless. It uplifts. It helps the other person see the possibilities for his or her future in a better light than they would achieve quickly if all I did was feel anger with them and validate their current emotional state (empathizing).
When we feel emotion, it is a valid response to the thought we are thinking. The emotion is valid. However, it is not the only possible perspective about that topic. Our emotions indicate whether our thought on that topic is serving our highest good. If the response to the thought feels worse, it is moving in the wrong direction. If the response to the thought feels better, it is moving in the right direction.
None of this means that you treat the others’ emotions as wrong. It does not mean you do not care or are not concerned for their well-being. It means that you have a clearer view of a path, or paths, which will help them recover from the loss faster. A positive expectation about someone, even just in the privacy of your own mind, can increase the other person’s ability to be resilient. You can help them bounce back faster.
Awesome article. I recently wrote and posted an article in LI myself that discussed the fact that a managers responsibility was to guide and support employees into finding their own purpose and value within the workplace. My piece was based on my perspective and not researched like this article However, I came to a similar conclusion regarding self-worth and value in the workplace. Too many employees put the determination of their value back on the organization, and as a result feel “under-valued”. Getting stuck in co-rumination really means their issue becomes mine as well. I sincerely believe it is a gift to be able to lift employees to see their potential vs. enabling their negative emotions. EQ can be a managers best friend, or worst enemy. As for myself, I try hard and generally succeed. Great read!
Good read. I run into too many people that call what you wrote about as “being weak”. I don’t agree at all. It takes a lot of strength to show emotions and empathy.
What an amazing article Dr Joy! Hats off to you dissecting this topic into one that everyone can understand and more so – relate to. As a fellow researcher, I loved the fact that you explained the reality of what ‘goes on behind the scenes’ when figures, ratios, and data are presented to awe readers. So many factors are involved that even positing the basic variables can’t truly garner what many assume as being represented in those results.
The definition you’ve provided clearly and concisely illustrates genuine happiness –
it’s not a constant Cheshire smile eluding to a rainbows- and- unicorns state of being. Rather, as you explained, its a mindset. Our mindsets transcend into our actions and behaviors. As such, a healthy degree of self-awareness and self-management may also help the manager who is striving for continuous improvement.
In further support, I agree that a strengths-based approach is preferred. After all – we’re human. Nobody needs a gamut of efforts-to-be-empathetic when they’ve hit a bump in the road. Closing ranks and striving to discover and practice appropriate empathy is one thing. Establishing a relationship that can and will sustain a more realistic view is even better – we can certainly appreciate the concept of empathy, but just like anything – taken to an extreme, we can’t [shouldn’t] afford to lose sight that our perception is truly our reality. I think we all want and prefer a positive one at the end of the day~