Can Anger Be Our Friend?

Most of us think anger is a problem – and it can be if we are not in right relationship to the energy of anger. In our western culture, few of us were taught how to allow and express our anger – or any emotions – in a healthy and responsible ways. As humans, we have a natural mechanism to do this, yet it’s been trained out of most of us. We learned things like: “don’t cry”, “you shouldn’t feel that way”, “good boys/girls don’t get mad”, etc. Most of us were taught that our ‘negative’ emotions were something to be avoided, reduced, medicated, repressed or ignored. While trying to be ‘good people’, most of us associate negative feelings with being ‘bad people’. We feel guilty about the negative feelings arising within us which creates another layer between us the feelings that want to move up and out.

Growing up, we each had thousands of experiences of anger when our wants and needs were not honored. As a result, many of us have years and years of unconscious anger stuffed down into a large pool within us that can be triggered with the smallest ‘slight’ from another. This is such a common experience, that culturally we have demonized ‘anger’ as something that makes us immature, unpredictable and dangerous. Yes – dangerous. I just read a meme that said “Anger is one letter away from Danger” and when we don’t know how to express our anger responsibly – it can turn into violence.

What if it doesn’t have to be like this? What if anger is our friend, here as a messenger to tell us when we are not getting what we want, or we are getting what we don’t want? What if the energy of anger is here to help us know when our needs are not being met or someone has crossed a boundary that is not OK with us? This is useful information to empower us to make choices when seen from this perspective. When we realize anger is simply providing us with a choice, we can make ones that feel best to us.

Creating a New Relationship with Anger

Learning how to empty the old ‘pool’ of energy stored up from past anger is a great place to start.  Expressing anger in a responsible way means making time in a safe space to say what anger wants to say to anyone from the past or present with whom you are angry with. We don’t express this directly to those who we are angry with – we say this to someone or something that can be fully present and unconditional with us.  Good sources to express your anger are a journal, a tree or flower, our dog or cat, and some people. Be careful here with people – you don’t need anyone to fix you or give you solutions, just someone who you trust to allow you to be where you are and say what is needed.

With a smaller pool of past anger to be triggered, we can begin to relate to our anger in current circumstances differently. We can slow down the knee-jerk reaction by allowing the feelings to be here and asking ourselves; “what am I not getting that I want, or what am I getting that I don’t want?”.  With those answers in hand, we can then choose what is best for us in the situation.

I have decided that anger is my friend. It lets me know there is something that I need to ‘attend to’ inside of myself. When I fully express my anger, in responsible ways, all of the solutions and actions I need to take in the situation become obvious. With the energy of the anger released, my perspective shifts and I can see with fresh eyes.

 Are you ready to have a new relationship with anger? Learn more at beliefworks.


Wendy Watson-Hallowell | The Belief Coach
Wendy Watson-Hallowell | The Belief Coach
WENDY is passionate about enabling individuals, organizations and communities to value themselves and each other in the ongoing process of change. Wendy has guided hundreds of individuals and over 750+ public and private sector organizations to achieve tangible increases in impact and performance. Her successful practice in mentoring and coaching has led to authorship of the book, ‘Live a Life You Love and Make a Living Doing It’. Over the last 30 years, Wendy’s skills have been honed in leadership roles at MTV Networks, The Rensselaerville Institute, and a variety of community based projects in her town. In 2015 she launched BeliefWorks and offers Belief Coaching as a way to address the root cause of what limits the results we can achieve both personally and professionally. This is an 'upstream' solution to change. Instead of changing limiting behavior, she focuses on changing the limiting beliefs that drive that behavior. In all cases, her clients and partners speak to the specific increases in achievement that her consulting, coaching and partnership roles make possible.

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