Birthday Reflections

So another year to celebrate the completion of.  It is a day to reflect on what was and what is ahead.  It is a day that the spotlight points on you.  The pressure is on to make it a good day.  We should be happy to have made it another year.  That the year past did not do us in.

It has been a very different year for me.  There was exploration.  There was the discovery of talents I never knew I had.  There was the breaking of chains that had held me captive.  There was the fleeing of the grey dark world and the gift of being able to explore the area outside of the boxes that we live in, work in, eat in, and try to escape from.

There was the realization that those that I believed were friends were not.  There was the confirmation that those that are my friends, will be there for me through the rest of my life.

There were days I didn’t feel I could go on and others that I was terrified that I would have to go on.  There was the darkness of mind that no one can understand unless they too have been in the darkness.  There were times that I was scared of myself and other times that I was scared of every person around me.

There was the judgment of my actions.  There was the lack of compassion, the lack of ownership, the lack of faith I felt towards humanity as a whole.  There was the realization that many times when we fight for what is right we do it alone.  That the truth is only acceptable when it is in line with what the corporate power wants.  That the ignoring of a problem is dangerous and that good people pay the price.

There was a realization that I don’t belong in the corporate world.  Or, maybe it is more accurate to say, the corporate world does not deserve my gifts.

There was a realization that I don’t belong in the corporate world.  Or, maybe it is more accurate to say, the corporate world does not deserve my gifts.  There is a balance that life provides.  Perhaps my balance is from the observations that I can only make from the outside.  Perhaps the best gift of the year was the freedom from not having to go into the dark box each day.

I explored why I am terrified to share what I think.  I believed it was easier to leave things unsaid.  Those that oppose you can and will hurt you will fight with you, will never see the world the way you do.

I realized, that with my silence, I had also denied the voice of those that agree with my thoughts.  That they are equally as terrified to speak up.  That part of my gift is the ability to find the words that are on the minds of many.   That by sharing my private thoughts there was an awakening that others felt the same way but could not find the words that flow easily from my fingertips.

I’m not certain how many more birthdays I will have.  Each year adds to my inner-self.  My inner-self is full and starting to spill out.  Is that just what happens when you get older?  You lose your buffer because you just are too full to hold your thoughts in anymore?

Well if that’s the case the world better be prepared to hear more from me.  More on those things that have been buried deep within my thoughts and memories.  Rest assured, the fifty-two years that have passed I remember vividly, sometimes too vividly, but I remember.  I have a voice and I have an outlet now to allow my inner self to flow out and be heard.