We first met in a trashy piece of land not far from my former neighborhood. Several tribes of stray dogs called it home. I went there following the reception of some horrible news: a monster in the shape of a human murdered a doggie Momma because she was barking at him, rightfully so, in an attempt to protect her puppies from the threat his kind represents.
He trapped her between his track and a wall and squeezed her until death. You read that right… This is merely one of the many unprecedented cruelty-level manifestations of some “so-called humans” who are sharing Mother Earth with me and you! I needed to rush and check in on the pups who witnessed the heinous murder of their Momma. Fortunately, the babies were old enough to be weaned and start eating food. I was told someone took two of them.
Until I could find adoptive families or a shelter for the orphaned pups, I had to visit them daily and take care of all their needs. I wasn’t concerned about the perpetrator since, according to the neighbors (who didn’t reveal their identity), he was already scared, should anything happen to any other dog in the area, after hearing of my serious threats.
I also talked to a kindred couple who assured me they would watch over the kids in my absence. That’s how I had the privilege to meet the wondrous Bianca! She was one of many other doggies whom I was feeding along with the pups. I still remember how emotional I got during our first encounter.
I approached her respectfully while talking softly, and petted her head and behind her ears delicately with her permission. One minute later, she exposed her belly to me. My tears flew uncontrollably while smiling peacefully! I felt thankful for the instant gift of trust!
When we met, Bianca had only one child, whom I named Chocolate. Unlike her mom who was an alpha, very outgoing, affectionate, and playful with trustworthy humans, Chocolate was super anxious. I had to isolate her to serve her food portion and wait until she finished eating before I left. She was scared even of the smaller pups who were bullying her. At some point, she fell sick. I knew it was the universe’s sign to take her to the vet and leave her in the hospital pension until I could secure a long-term solution.
I took Chocolate in my arms and went in Bianca’s direction. I talked to the Momma about the situation and asked for her blessing. Her eyes were consenting and loving. If she spoke our language, those would have been her words: I trusted you from the first minute, and I’m sure you’re doing what’s best for my baby!
Sometime later, I planned for Bianca to have a neutering surgery. She was pregnant in the early stages. As I had nowhere to keep her and her future litter, we decided with the vet to abort her. After spending 7 days required for recovery, we returned to Bianca’s area. When she exposed her belly to me after a couple of days, I was heartbroken at the sight of her torn stitches… She didn’t whine or get aggressive out of pain. Instead, she gently showed me she needed help. I was in awe of her resiliency and softness!
Bianca needed to stay two weeks at the vet’s since some stitches needed to heal with natural remedies like honey as resealing them wasn’t an option. During that period, I failed to find a suitable long-term solution. That’s when my kind friend Virginie agreed to welcome my sweetheart into her shelter despite the extremely challenging situation and daily struggles to attend to the endless needs of all her protegees.
For someone like me who hates driving, I shockingly enjoyed my 8-hour round trip! When my heart is overjoyed and filled with limitless gratitude, it beats anything else!
I wish I could tell you this story has a happy ending… The truth is, during the night of February 5, a gut-wrenching incident took place. The pack attacked Bianca to death. Two workers were paid to guarantee the security of the dogs; instead, they were sleeping. The manager fired them immediately.
When she informed me about the tragedy, I completely lost it! I haven’t felt that dysregulated in a long time despite the fact that my life has been chaotic for the last almost 17 months with tons of personal challenges and endless grief instances of the Palestinian slaughtered innocents (animals and humans alike) daily along with other oppressed communities around the globe…
This loss felt unbearable for three main reasons:
- I have been staying in my sympathetic nervous system for way longer than I could relax in my parasympathetic one, creating a notable imbalance.
- Just the night before (February 4), I received a call from another shelter manager notifying me that Chocolate, Bianca’s daughter was unfortunately killed the same way (exact same wounds) by her adoptive sibling.
- Bianca is an alpha. She was the leader of my former neighborhood stray tribe. She spent at least 2 years in the same shelter without a single incident. It doesn’t make any sense logically speaking (using our limited analytical brain).
After being in denial for 24 hours, the adult in my psyche decided to take back the driver’s seat from my bleeding inner child. She knows “oh so well” that coping mechanisms are never the answer. She understands that pain has to be felt consciously or unconsciously. If there is something she is aware of the most, it will be that intentional choices are always the wisest. Period.
In order to better comfort my inner child, my inner adult had to explore the hidden meaning that the universe was telling me through this last misfortune. First, let’s start with what I thought could be the drive behind Chocolate’s loss in her words:
“My sibling had shown aggression toward other members of our pack but never with me in the past. It was a first. I haven’t been updated about the meaning of it all yet, but I like to believe my life was lost for a higher purpose!
Maybe… just maybe, I had to sacrifice myself so that my Hoomans could pay attention to a serious hidden physical problem that my adoptive brother had been desperately trying to vehiculate…
It could be what my soul signed for before starting this physical existence!”
I don’t believe in luck. I don’t believe in coincidence. No anymore at least. Thus, the spiritual explanation that effortlessly came to the surface when I decided I was ready was the following:
Chocolate is a young soul. Bianca’s soul is her spiritual guide who incarnated the physical realm as her biological Momma. Their destiny is intertwined. The mentor was called to service!
I lost count of how many losses and grief instances I had to go through during the last three years and a half. I know my dear friend Dennis Pitocco agrees with me on the following, as he stipulated a few days ago in his answer to a text about grief:
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corner of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. –Jamie Anderson
No matter how counterintuitive it may sound, I love my deep pain & grief for it has been expanding my heart with every new wound, leaving more place for more beings to make their way inside. Besides, it has always fueled more fire to put my empathy into action daily. The ice on the cake: for my implicit contribution to raising the global consciousness.
Today, I am writing this story first for myself. Converting my subconscious inner world whose language is emotions and images into words that my conscious mind understands and putting them on paper (physical or electronic) has the power to lift the heavy weight of loss a bit.
Most importantly, my hope is that this story could give you some perspective:
- Realize or confirm there is much more to this world than what we can see with our eyes, smell with our noise, hear with our ears, taste with our tongue, or touch with our hands. Our spiritual senses are far more advanced and will guide us should we keep our hearts open to receive the divine light.
- Our soul is on a mission on this beautiful 3-dimensional planet we call Mother Earth! It knows what we are capable of withstanding. No matter how unbearable the storms may feel, we signed for them before starting our human experience in our current vessel.
- Caring about what goes far beyond our small circle is the very essence of this journey. It comes with a price naturally. The higher it is, the more detached from the earthly matters and connected to the oneness we become!
I was extremely touched by this piece, written so beautifully. It gave me one more thing to give my sister-in-law, who lost her husband, (my brother) this past year of 55 years of marriage. They never had children, and did everything to gather, and now she is trying to cope with his absence. She gets angry when speaking of God, but that too shall pass, and when we lose someone so dear to us, even a pet, handling the loss is difficult for some, but for those who feel and can understand what you wrote, it may be just what is needed to persevere.
Awww, how thoughtful of you, dear Lynn! I’m so sorry for your loss, but thrilled this piece of my heart resonated with you! 💙🫂✨️