Belonging to Yourself

Fitting in is becoming who you think you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging is being your authentic self and knowing that no matter what happens, you belong to you.

~Brene Brown

I’ve learned that it’s exhausting to “fit in.” I’ve attempted in the past to become the perfect version of what I thought others wanted me to be. What I also realized is the metrics kept moving. One day I was too fat and a few years later I got accused of being anorexic. Regularly “pecked” by close others, I felt I could not ever measure up to what I now see was a certain insanity in other’s changing expectations and judgments. Who I thought I needed to become was shaped by the words, criticisms, and deeds of many other people, some of whom had a distorted view of themselves, the world, and me.

The only path that began to make sense to my soul was to become my unique self. I began to allow myself to love what I loved and to pursue my preferences, inclinations, and heart messages with a fervent passion. Often this involved doing the opposite of what I was told or simply exploring another pathway to my healthy, thriving life. I also observed that those who struggle to accept themselves probably won’t ever accept you no matter what you do or don’t do.

It could be as simple as noticing all the goodness and challenges as opportunities in a day and others tending to focus on all the upsets or horrific happenings. You may have experiences that obliterate the limiting beliefs of others or things you were told as a child.

Self-awareness becomes crucial to this journey of belonging to yourself. You simply must begin to know that you are unique, that you have particular preferences, that you might learn things in a very distinct way from others around you. You might begin to notice that you see the world differently than others do. This becomes your gift and maybe your challenge. It could be as simple as noticing all the goodness and challenges as opportunities in a day and others tending to focus on all the upsets or horrific happenings. You may have experiences that obliterate the limiting beliefs of others or things you were told as a child. For instance, you may have been told that if you are fat and smart no one will like you. Yet, as an adult, you choose to fully embrace the body type you are, to seek knowledge from lived experiences, and create amazing bonds of lasting friendship with beloved ones who love and accept you for the wise soul you’ve become. Maybe you were told you have to be ruthless to get ahead, but then you allowed yourself to become compassionate and kind and many opportunities to serve others began to pour into your life. You have to be willing to risk and become comfortable with the discomfort of the disapproval of others.

My most recent hilarious “Seriously, do I have to do this to fit in?” moment happened when a woman I had met business networking approached me at a workshop we were both attending. I did not know her well. “Laura, when you smile, you light up a room. But your other face, and you may be concentrating, looks like you have no confidence. I recommend you hold your face like this.” She then demonstrated what looked to me like this fake bad Botox smile. I believe she was coming from a place of helpfulness. I smiled at her. “Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it! May I give you a hug!” She startled, backed up a bit, but agreed to the hug. I hugged her, turned to the woman I had been talking to and continued our conversation.

Later I wondered how long it took this woman to muster the courage to share this with me. I also wondered if she woke up that morning and said to herself, “Today is the day I’m telling Laura Staley what I think of her non-smiling facial expression!” Mostly, I concluded that my face triggered something for her about fitting in, about being accepted. Ultimately, her opinions about my face, smiling or not, were not about me nor did her observations alter my commitment to belong to myself, to be myself.

What path have you taken to shift from the exhausting world of “pretzeling” yourself on the altar of acceptance to embracing who you uniquely are? For some of you, the path to belonging to yourself has been hard won. You traveled on detours with a world of trolls, tortured others, well-meaning societal rule followers, and limiting belief bearers. For others of you, you’ve been accepted by loved ones and then likely faced challenges from colleagues or bosses in a workplace or encountered societal expectations of how you should or should not behave, speak, or smile. Some of you may still be navigating this brave path or wondering why you feel so exhausted when you are with others. Fitting in can begin to fall away as a mental shell game you are no longer interested in playing.

Belonging to yourself involves being brave enough to end your cravings for the approval of others, especially those who don’t know you nor have your best interests at heart.

It means taking actions from your core values with full awareness that you risk being rejected by others. Yet, you recognize you won’t ever throw yourself under the bus. Cultivating non-judgment for the scripts you carried around in your head that had nothing to do with being yourself brings delightful moments of shredding, an end to rights and wrongs, and that great divide inside of you. You begin to bring closure to the angst and the imposter syndrome.

Living from your heart, inside your own skin, and your experiences of being true to you, you begin to recognize other courageous, genuine ones who belong to themselves. You notice you can create freely, nurture compassion, and feel much empathy for yourself and others. An internal sense of grace, peace, and freedom become your unshakeable fulfillment. Your words and choices will likely annoy someone out in our world, but you will be able to go to sleep at night with a smile on your face.

Laura Staley
Laura Staleyhttp://www.cherishyourworld.com
The founder of Cherish Your World, Laura Staley passionately helps people thrive by guiding them to a holistic transformation of space, heart, mind, body, and soul. Laura knows that there’s a relationship between the conditions of our homes or workplaces and the quality of our lives. Trained and certified with the Western School of Feng Shui and seasoned by almost two decades of working with a variety of clients, Laura uses her intuition and expertise to empower her clients to produce remarkable results in their lives. Her trifecta of serving people includes speaking, writing, and compassionate listening. As a columnist, Laura writes personal essays focused on self-discovery, feng shui, emotional health, and transformations from the inside out. Laura is the published author of three books: Live Inspired, Let Go Courageously and Live with Love: Transform Your Life with Feng Shui, and the Cherish Your World Gift Book of 100 Tips to Enhance Your Home and Life. Prior to creating her company, Laura worked as a fulltime parent and an assistant professor at Ohio Wesleyan University. She earned a Ph.D. in political science from The Ohio State University. Her joys in life include laughing with loved ones, dancing, reading, meditating, running, being in nature, and listening to music she loves. She resides in Black Mountain, NC with lovable dog, Layla.

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  1. What a fantastic, informative and insightful article, do you think it is sad that some people don’t believe in you because they don’t believe in themselves? Self belief is not always an easy path, but nobody said it would be, but it is certainly the right path.

    • Thank you so much for your enthusiastic feedback for this article, Andy!
      You raise such an interesting question. I’ve noticed on my life journey that others seemed to be threatened by someone who showed up confident, joyful, or different. This seems to create the “sadness” to which you refer. Or at least that caused sadness inside of my heart. When I finally realized I could not ever alter someone else’s internal world, I began the brave “not always an easy path” of belonging to myself, of believing in myself. I appreciate your thought that “it is certainly the right path.” I’d tweak that by saying it’s a liberating path-or it has been for me! Thanks, again, Andy!

  2. Your article is almost a mirror to my soul. I had to smile at your summary statement because I know I annoy people. It is completely innocent and unintentional but after all these years I have come to terms with who I am from my core. I go to sleep in comfort because I know in good conscience I try to live my best life. I try to be empathetic and thoughtful but without the pain of trying to live inside someone else’s skin. I have learned over a lifetime that people will say with their mouths they don’t expect Perfection yet in their heart that is what they are seeking. I have never measured up to perfect. Not in anything, ever. My goal is to slide into home through heavens gate and hear God say, “You were faithful and you did good.”

    • Oh your beautiful and thoughtful reflections/insights have my heart-my eyes are teary too, Jane! A Soul sister in belonging to yourself. I can feel your owning who you are, the peace you’ve cultivated from the inside, and the freedom you have from other’s views of perfection-for none of us are perfect-just unique and quite human. I’ll still make mistakes, but will know to apologize, to change behavior, but not alter the essence of who I am. I love your goal! Yes! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this article and to share your heartfelt thoughts. I appreciate it so much!

  3. Ah, Laura, you KNOW you light up any room you enter, don’t you? And the warmth continues as long as you’re there … actually, even after you’ve left.

    It’s funny how we all want — at least, sometimes — to just fit in! Even if our selves don’t appear to want that, we usually look for acceptance. But at what cost?

    Wonderful article as always, and thank you!

    • Thank you so much, Susan! I’m not certain I fully know that I light up rooms, but I do know that I’ve found ease in my own skin and a deep peace in being me.
      I appreciate your honesty in admitting that we have that pull to fit in sometimes. I suppose there will linger a young inner teenager part of me that wants to sit at what I think is the “popular girl’s lunch table,” and yet, I’ve learned that some of those girls/women are not people I want to be connected to in a meaningful way. I also stopped looking for the right lunch table as that became my version of an alcoholic looking for her next drink. That’s the deeper truth.

      I appreciate your kind comments and continued support for my writing. It means a great deal to me. Grateful for our connection.

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