A CHILD IS BORN TO US. No matter if this is our first or not there is this sense of being overwhelmed with joy. We bring the infant into our homes where the process of going from parents of a newborn to parents of a child begins. Inevitably the child’s parents begin to formulate their philosophy as to what the best methodology to use.
In making this decision memories of our own childhood begin to resurface causing us to wonder if we want our children to be brought up as we were and what values do we want them to adopt. Each of us has our own childhood remembrances that as time went on molded us into who we are now.
Discipline when most of us were growing up consisted of a lot of yelling, hitting (sometimes with belts or straps) in addition to begin sent to bed early with no supper . Going back a few decades this was considered perfectly acceptable methods of discipline that was intended to send a clear message of what would happen if we behaved improperly in addition to helping us understand there is a right and there is a wrong.
In the late 1990’s continuing on through today administering physical punishment came to be known as child abuse whereupon agencies were created to investigate these reported incidents and were empowered to remove the child from the home if in their opinion the situation warranted it. If we vividly recall our parents disciplining us in that manner we begin to wonder if we have the potential to get so angry at our children to the point where we lose control of tempers resulting in striking our children.
Our parents in their minds were acting out of love. It hurt them to hurt us but that is the way their parents raised them so it must have been okay since they grew up to be well adjusted socialized adults in most cases. The question then becomes do we want to teach our children that hitting somebody is the right thing to do if in their minds somebody has done something wrong to them?
New concepts in parenting that started to become highly touted included time outs along with consequences of your actions. You are given a time out for things like a temper tantrum. Doing poorly in school can result in restrictions on usage of the electronic gadgets that have sadly become something every child “must” have. Discipline aside is this a value (keeping up with the Jones’s as it used to be called) we want our children to have?
Many of us grew up in homes where religion was a key component in everyday family life. Religious services were semi-regularly to regularly attended. Religious holidays (especially the “major” ones) were observed. Today it is not unusual for a child to be raised in a household where the parents are of two different faiths. Which faith will the child be taught to observe? Do both parents make this decision collectively? Is it plausible for only one parent o make this decision based on their own beliefs or those of their parents? Will they be taught both faiths and let them decide later in life which one they want to follow if any? Some parents will elect to teach the “best of both” religions a practice that can lead to a feeling of not knowing where they belong. What role do we want religion to play in their lives?
They will see many of their friends celebrating holidays that one of their parents does but the other one doesn’t. When a friend or classmate asks them what religion they belong to often they will not know how to answer. If they tell their friend they are not sure or they celebrate the holidays of both their parents chances are they will be mocked.
Now that we are in the “modern age” how we feel and do about pre-marital intimacy? The overwhelming number of our parents would not allow intimacy prior to marriage. Certainly the use of birth control devices that are now as freely dispensed as candy was not permissible. Do we allow their usage effectively giving the okay to have relations even if they are not emotionally prepared for it? The abortion (aka legalized murder of an unborn child)question will also need to be addressed in the event of an unexpected pregnancy. Will the couple marry? Can they monetarily support the child? Are they ready for the challenges of parenthood especially if they are of young ages?
Here and there our parents would give us a small taste of an alcoholic beverage usually at a special family gathering. At what age do we allow our children to have a drink? Under what circumstances can they have a drink and with whom and where will we allow them to drink? Will we allow them to try drinks with higher alcoholic content? Any of us who had parents who struggled with alcoholism or if we struggled with that disease how do we prevent our children from becoming alcoholics.? Drug use by and large did not exist when our parent were bringing us up. Today there are more illegal drugs that are being sold in our schools and playgrounds that are far more addictive than heroin (i.e. “crack”) with even more potential for irreversible brain damage. How many of us didn’t at least try a marijuana (at least we admit to inhaling unlike Bill Clinton) cigarette during our teens and twenties? Did it lead to more serious drug use or worse yet drug addiction? How liberal will we be (hopefully not liberal at all aka no tolerance for drug use) with our children when it comes to even some of the “casual” drugs that are sold over the counter?
As I have often stated marriage should strictly be the union of a man and woman with no exceptions! Our parents never dreamed there would be an era whereby two people of the same gender could get married. If one of the “partners” should somehow bring a child into their relationship how will the child emotionally survive the heap of abuse and torture that will be an experience nothing in life could have prepared them for. It is one thing to bring a child into this world as husband and wife. It is quite a different thing to try to raise a child as mom & mom or dad & dad.
Parenting is the most difficult and rewarding job you will ever have no to mention love even in those times when things are not what you expected them to be. How would your parents raise children if they were alive today? Ultimately we must decide if we are going to copy the child rearing ways as we remember them or do we go by our own instincts that have been influenced by the times we live in.
My father gave me the tools to be a good parent. Was I? Both of my sons still speak to me.
Great story Joel
My parents did well in their parenting of myself and my sisters.
Parenting changed radically so whatever my parents taught was no longer useful.
Two of my wife’s kids still talk to me and of course, my natural son does as well.
There are and will always be those nagging feelings that I could have done more or better.
Thank you for the compliment.
I do not know if I’ve been a good father.
Certainly I did not want to replicate the educational systems that I lived as a child, even without wanting to criticize the work of my parents, who came out of the war and committed to recovering an acceptable life.
I thought that as a parent I had to build my children’s education on some fundamental pillars: self-esteem, a sense of responsibility, respect and good humor. Cultivating good humor more than anger. Learning to use the power of persuasion rather than that of coercion. Practicing soft-power and not hard-power.
Aldo, I can see from what you wrote you loved your children and wanted the best for them. You did what you thought what was best for them like all parents. Our parents loved us but they came from a seemingly different world than what their children were living in. This is true today as well. Part of being a parent is wondering as your children were growing up and grew up was to wonder (I still do even though my son is 32 years old and long since living on his own) if what we did was right or what things we perhaps could have done better or differently. Thank you, Aldo, for all of your comments in addition to giving me a peek into your private life.
I thank you for the answer.
You do not take a peek into my private life but I spontaneously mentioned my experience.
By the way, both of my children have experienced somewhat unusual events (if I did not fear to bore readers I could tell them) as far as work is concerned, so much so that I wondered if I could do more.
Thanks again for these pleasant chats.
It is a pleasure, Aldo to chat with you.