How do you arrive at a ‘meeting’?
(Could be any meeting, work, home, family, colleagues, friends, face to face or virtual)
Flustered, in a rush, unprepared, anxious?
Still thinking about the last meeting?
The argument you had this morning and know that it is playing on your mind?
The meeting you must attend at the end of the day is troubling you?
Need to get this meeting finished quickly as you have too many other matters to resolve?
You get the picture…rest assured you are not alone. Most of us arrive at meetings this way. And virtual meetings have made it more so, turn one off, and log in to the next. Off you go. Sometimes, even finishing late, ending it poorly, and arriving late to the next one, apologetic and embarrassed.
Imagine if everyone attending this meeting has any of all of the above going on for them?
What are the chances that the meeting will go well, effective, productive?
I am not saying that we can’t have anything going on in our lives, far from it. Rather, are there some things we can do to navigate these situations, and manage them better?
One simple exercise is to start each meeting with one minute of silence. Each participant notices that they are sitting in their chair, back touching, feet on the floor. Then to take a few deep breaths into the belly, holding and then breathing out and holding again, maybe to a count of 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold, etc.
At the end of the minute, ask everyone, in turn, to share how they are arriving. Far from wasting time, this gives everyone a moment to be vulnerable, if they wish, and to be honest as to how they are arriving, feeling, and thinking. In doing so, it builds connection, it enables empathy and appreciation.
In one group, (where all participants had only just met each other), the first person shared that they were overwhelmed with anxiety about what they would be doing over the next few days together. In doing so, they gave permission for others to be vulnerable themselves. (We reassured them what was going to happen, and they were able to relax).
Had we not asked, this person may not have shared so soon, and we, and the rest of the group, may have wondered if this person was okay. Usually, we display less than attentive signs when we are mentally and/or emotionally distracted.
In a one-to-one conversation with a work colleague, it can play out something like this…
Me: Hi there, how are you doing?
Fine thanks. (Me: They don’t look fine, they don’t seem right…was it something I said, or should have done? So best that I start to ‘armour up’ a little, just in case.). How about you?
Me: I am great thanks. (Said whilst thinking the above).
Are you sure? (They have picked up something and in turn start to ‘armour up’ too.)
Me: Yes, of course, why? (I knew it, I was right, it was something I have done or said.)
Err. (Goodness, there is something not right with them, maybe it is something I have said or done. Need to put more armour on).
You see what can happen.
Even a simple, “Hi, how are you?” can put distance between two people, rapidly.
Have you noticed this happening recently, maybe with your partner?
With my current partner, we used to spend half the week in our own place and the other half together. She lives about 42 miles away and a journey across London can be between 90 minutes and 140 minutes. On one occasion, it was the latter, and when I physically arrived at her front door, I was most certainly not mentally or emotionally. Let’s just say the next hour was not pleasant.
Later that evening, once we had both calmed down, we talked through what had happened and what to do moving forward. We agreed that each time I arrive, we would have a hug, and we would sit down together. We would grab a beverage of choice and sit at the kitchen table.
With no distractions, no judgements, and giving each other our fullest of attention, she would talk about whatever she wanted to talk about for ten minutes. I would give my fullest attention (and in doing so, I noticed I would be calming down, settling, stilling myself, and the journey from hell was receding), look at her eyes, really listen to what she was saying and re-connect with this lovely person.
If she stopped talking before her time was up, I would remain silent and continue to be present for her. I may ask, “And what more”, or the fuller version, “And what more would you like to think or feel or want to say?” And when her time was up, we would swap over and I would be able to share my thoughts and feelings, whilst she listened.
Once we had both had our ten minutes, we would offer a word or phrase of appreciation. Note, that appreciation, (who you are being), is not traditional feedback, (what you are doing), and is therefore always positive. “(use their name), one thing I appreciate about you is your warmth and openness that I felt whilst I was speaking.” The receiver sits with the appreciation, really feels it, and says, “Thank you”.
I know that this is successful and can be used in any setting. People appreciate and value the opportunity to share their thinking and feelings, as well as other times, hopes, fears, aspirations, etc. We all love to feel heard, valued, validated and to know that we matter.
“Listen first, listen all ways, always.”
How are you going to arrive, next time?
Thanks for this excellent article, Colin! Thank you also for facilitating a deep discussion on the Friendship Bench about this topic. I remember a course in college on communication where the professor pointed out that communication is listener oriented. I’ve never forgotten that pearl of wisdom.
Thank you Victor for sharing your thoughts and observations, all much appreciated.
I like what you have said about communication being listener orientated. One of the reasons I say, “Listen first, listen all ways, always, as people are dying to be heard, literally and figuratively.
Colin