Are You Experiencing Ambiguous Loss?

Uncertainty is massively de-stabilizing to the nervous system. Us humans like predictability – which is why we like to categorize people, by their job, marital status, ethnicity, city of birth, political party affiliation, gender etc. 

The last few months (and years) have been hugely unstable for many people. The extreme weather decimated communities, the extreme polarity in politics, and the beginning of the awakening by many of the extraordinary disparities between people when you categorize us according to the census—races/ ethnicities/ genders/ city & state—perhaps you feel that too. 

This uncertainty has, in many cases, created loss for many people: jobs, relationships, homes, and communities. What amplifies the loss is the lack of ritual to mark the transition.

This is called ambiguous loss.

This is the kind of loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding, such as when someone you have been communicating with ghosts you, and you don’t know whether it’s because they found a better option or you offended them somehow.

The thing about ambiguity is that you create potential answers, or play out scenarios of things that you would like to say or do, as you try to create clarity and understanding. And this slows down your grieving and complicates the healing process.  We get stuck in what I like to call the “subjective swirl” in our own heads. And this plays out in our energy body & consumes our limited time, energy, and focus.

Ambiguous loss can create anxiety, confusion, and chronic sorrow.

Emotions are energy in motion – e-motion. An emotion has a lifespan of about 90 seconds. However, this is where things get sticky. It is really easy for this emotion to get stuck & not disperse through your system rather than getting stuck. When that happens the emotion becomes a mood. Moods can last for hours to days, to weeks, to months, to years. And then, at some point, these moods become your personality. And then shifting becomes much harder. 

Our brains are designed to be efficient – creating automation is one of the ways that our brains reduce energetic output. Our brains work in tandem with all the other systems that comprise us – eleven in total. For example, the hormonal system. If we habitually react to adrenaline to complete tasks – it can be hard to complete tasks without adrenaline. As a sidebar – this is something that people like me, who have ADHD do – we create adrenaline due to the low levels of dopamine that we naturally produce. The adrenaline (like coffee, Adderall etc) gives us the fire to take action. Another example could include working to retrain your most habitual response to stress – fight-flight-faun-freeze responses. 

So, how do we process ambiguous loss?

There are of course many options that can support this, for example, exercise, conversations with friends, and various forms of therapy, including talk therapies, EFT (tapping), EMDR, plant-based medicines, etc. I am also a huge fan of finding and practicing tools that I can institute on my own, and repeat, reflect on and rely on, and then use in these other spheres of support.

I am going to share my THREE favorite tools for processing and managing ambiguous loss.

1 – DIALOG JOURNALING 

This is a style of journaling that helps you play out the ambiguity.

1. Take a moment to identify the person you would like to communicate with, who played a significant role in your experience of ambiguous loss. If it’s not clear yet, follow the steps below and see who emerges.
2. Grab a notebook and pen and set it next to you.
3. Close your eyes, get grounded. Either crossed legs or sitting in a chair ground with your feet, sit up straight and lengthen your exhales for a few minutes.
4. Allow a soothing place in nature to emerge in your mind’s eye – and start to walk along the path that emerges in front of you.
5. Notice someone walking towards you on the path.
6. As you start to see the features of the person walking towards you, notice that this is the person who you did not have a resolved interaction with (note – the person can be living or dead). Look at them, see them, feel them.
7. Open your eyes, take your notebook, and have a conversation with this person: Your initial: “…..” Their initial: “…..” Repeat. For example:
   1. You: Why did you never respond to that last text?
   2. Person X: I felt uncomfortable and ashamed
   3. You: I was deeply hurt by your silence & lack of explanation
   4. Person X:  etc…

You are literally writing out a conversation with this person.

When you are finished read through and write a summary statement with any observations. THIS STEP IS KEY to providing an extra level of objectivity to your observations. You might notice the emotional valence of the dialog – sadness, hurt, anger. You can release this into the universe – by burning the piece of paper. You can use your revelations to reach out to them, if that feels good, you can take this to your next therapy appointment, or you can do some more journaling about what you concluded.

You can use this technique with people from your past too – perhaps a family member, ex-lover, or ex-boss who you have some residual and unresolved feelings toward.

2 – CREATE YOUR OWN RITUAL

Rituals are practices that have been lost by many cultures. Whether they are coming of age – the red tent, bar mitzvah, quinceanera or mark a transition in life like a baptism, retirement party, a wake.. All these events have an energy of transitioning from one state, one place, one energetic frame to another. And as humans, they help us with the grief, the mourning, the excitement and all the emotions in between that are often ignored by our society,

When I got divorced nine years ago, I was really struck by the legal aspect of the ending, standing there in court, which in Ohio has such a vile patriarchal thrust because ALL women are asked if they are pregnant (even if you’re 90 years old or you have been separated for years) as part of the process. It felt hollow and failed to acknowledge the beauty that had come out of the marriage – my three children. Also, it only focused on the ending, not the beginning – my re-entry back into the world again, as a whole person – because I refused to buy into the “better half” narrative.

The first ritual was one that I repeated for the next eight years. I committed to having a party for me and my three babies every year on my wedding anniversary. I would bake a cake and celebrate THEM, because without my marriage, they would not exist. Now that day just passes me by without much awareness or reflection.

The second ritual I participated in was a one-off event – a friend of mine organized a divorce party. It was similar to a bachelorette party (AKA Hen Party if you’re a Brit). It was a combination of food, dancing, strippers, silly gifts and celebration of the next stage of my life. I was 39 when I got divorced – so a lot of life ahead of me!

3 – MEDITATION – loving-kindness or tonglen

There are two really useful meditations that I have been practicing for well over a decade and are really helpful when you want to shift the sad or angry energy regarding a person or group of people.

Tonglen is a process of absorbing the pain of others and transmuting it. This practice requires you to be feeling strong enough to absorb the pain of others, so don’t do this if you’re feeling emotionally battered. I have done this for people who are dying – either sitting with them and far away. I have done this for groups of people during times of extreme stress. 

1. Sit quietly, and think about who you would like to do this for – it could be a person, a group of people, the whole world
2. Start your meditation practice by taking your seat: closed eyes, chin parallel to the ground, firm seat, erect posture, hands relaxed in lap, legs crossed or feet on the floor
3. After a few minutes of quiet breathing, bring your attention to your heart center & see it start to energize as a bright, golden healing center
4. Exhale all your air and then inhale all the pain of the person/ people you have chosen. Imagine it is dark, heavy smoke that you inhale through all your pores and into your heart center
5. The bright, golden healing light transmutes the smoke and you exhale that bright healing light
6. Keep going for as long as you feel able!

Loving-kindness

This is a practice which I was taught in 2008. In December 2012 my Buddhist teacher, a nun, had us practice this for the Sandy Hook events. The twist was we were to do this for the shooter, not the families. We found this really hard, but she suggested that the way to heal the world was to work with the harder emotions, our feelings towards people who had hurt us, hurt others and behaved in destructive, abusive ways.

What I have noticed over the years of teaching this practice is the throb of emotions as they play across the faces of those I am teaching – sometimes the tears, the tightening of the jawlines.

1. Start your meditation practice by taking your seat: closed eyes, chin parallel to the ground, firm seat, erect posture, hands relaxed in lap, legs crossed or feet on floor. This practice helps you move through your different emotions toward people. 
2. Start by envisioning someone you LOVE. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them.

Then say to them:

May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease

Let that image disperse.

3. Next, envision someone who is NEUTRAL to you. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them

Then say to them:

May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease

Let that image disperse.

4. Then envision someone who you HATE or DISLIKE intensely. Let their image appear in front of you – see their clothes, eyes, and expressions. Feel them

Then say to them:

May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you feel at ease

Let that image disperse.

If you continue with this practice you will notice that people might move between the categories. Someone who is neutral today might become someone you love. Someone who you hate might become neutral. The way we categorize people is essentially being challenged too. What most people report – and I have personally experienced, is that when I work with a very challenging individual in the hate category, their power over my emotions diminishes.

So my lovelies if you are experiencing ambiguous loss at the moment, know that you are not alone. There are many of us here who feel it and are holding your tender heart.