“When I was a young girl—maybe eight or nine—I was home alone for a short spell and for reasons I did not understand at the time, grabbed a knife and started running through the house screaming in a frenzied rage. At some point I put the knife down and started digging my fingernails into my palms, whimpering, as uncontrollable emotions overtook me. I was staring out the window and shifting my weight back and forth like Raymond in the movie Rain Man.
EDITOR’S NOTE: SEE PART 1 HERE ⤵︎
Other than bruising my palms, I didn’t damage myself or anything in the house, but the episode terrified me. Sans knife, I have had many similar episodes of exploding unpredictably with rage or hysteria or grief throughout my life and especially before I understood I was an empath. I would find myself sobbing hysterically, stumbling through the house panicked and lost, writhing on the floor in uncontainable grief, or screaming at the top of my lungs to the point where I had no voice for days afterward. Digging my nails into my palms was also a method of choice when my circumstances didn’t allow me to scream, cry, or otherwise overtly express my emotions.
These episodes were usually short-lived—a few hours at most—and when the energies ran their course, I returned to “normal.” In my earlier years, I didn’t have the self-awareness or understanding of energy that I do now—and I certainly didn’t know I was an empath—so I was rarely able to predict when one of these intense “attacks” was about to occur. I had no idea that the outbursts were releasing a buildup of emotions that I had taken on from everyone around me. I only prayed that it wouldn’t be witnessed. The events were exhausting and incapacitating and left me feeling completely out of control.
Well into adulthood I was scared that there was something really wrong with me. There is a history of mental illness on both sides of my family, and I thought I got a double dose of defectiveness. Through many years of practicing critical awareness, making a lot of lifestyle changes, and engaging in radical self-care (which I’ll expand on in later chapters), I have since learned that I am not crazy or mentally deranged.”
Are you a highly sensitive person or empath? Do you struggle to figure out where you end and the next person begins? Do you take on everyone else’s emotions and problems? Is it easy for your nervous system to get overstimulated or overwhelmed? Are you seeking to understand why you are this way and desiring tools to help you thrive?
My brand new book, The Evolutionary Empath: A Practical Guide for Heart-Centered Consciousness hits shelves in just a few short days on November 5. I thought I’d share some excerpts with you so you can get a feel for the book and decide if purchasing it would support your journey or the journey of someone you know. Pick up a copy through your favorite bookseller online or in stores.
Stephanie Red Feather reading your article reassured me that as a child growing up I was not crazy. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your book sounds like a “must buy!”
Thank you so much sister! I appreciate your support and I’m glad the excerpt gives you confirmation. When we don’t have a context for our sensitivities, it’s hard to have perspective on our life and experiences.
Thank you so much for this. I forever pick at my fingers…and years of wondering too…much appreciated Stephanie!?
You’re welcome Paula. Thanks for your comment. Understanding that we are an empath can give a whole new light of context to so many of our life experiences
It certainly does…it’s helping to explain things to me that made me feel so alienated all of the time…and just good to have answers too.
It’s intermittent thoughts in the past ..of “am I insane?” when I knew I was not but couldn’t explain…thank you for being a beacon of light!?