Momma said there would be days like this. Yes, she did. What she didn’t say was how long those do they last.
Charlene sighed. “Oh Momma, now what?” Charlene stared at the people seated next to her. “Which one? The casket with gold trim or the plain one?” Charlene glanced at Ronnie. Why is she asking me that? “Charlene, honey, we need to make a decision here, today.” Charlene nodded. She wondered who that man was behind the desk. Charlene burst into tears. “Can you please give us a minute?” Ronnie asked the man. He nodded, stood, and quietly left. Ronnie, and Craig, her husband moved closer towards Charlene. Leon, the baby brother sat next to Charlene with his arms around her.
That evening Ronnie and Leon sat in Charlene’s kitchen. Tonight their conservation didn’t alternate between stories and bad jokes accompanied with groans. This particular time, they went with stories only about Momma. Their tears punctured with laughter. “Remember how Momma always told us not to talk with our mouths full of food?” Ronnie and Leon nodded. “Always!” they said at the same time “One time I had a big wad of bubble gum I was chewing hard to make my first bubble. I needed it to play baseball with Maria and Alonzo. “Girl, what did I tell you about talking with your mouth full?”
I smiled and opened up my mouth and showed Momma all that bubble gum. She laughed. And said, “Okay, I’ll make an exception this time!” “She said that? I never heard that one” Ronnie said. The three laughed. Charlene out loud, Ronnie with her right hand covering her mouth, and Leon chuckling with that goofy grin. “Sometimes Momma would get to repeating herself. It was like the scratchy sound of chalk scraping on a blackboard and the skipping over and over again of a broken record.” Leon said.
Charlene and Ronnie both agreed. “I will miss Momma’s sweet singing voice. Listen to this … “Happy birthday, happy birthday to my dear daughter Ronnie, “Happy Birthday to you!” Ronnie put the phone down and wept. Charlene and Leon wept with her as they held each other close.
The viewing hours at the funeral home started at 11 A.M. Charlene arrived 15 minutes early. Momma taught her to be early so you’d never be late. The strong smell of all the flowers surprised Charlene. She checked out the layout. Chairs set in small circles. The open plain casket with photos in the back and on the sides. Momma’s smiling photo at the head of the casket was the perfect touch. Charlene stood over the casket and looked at Momma. Peaceful in her light blue dress.
“Do you approve Momma,” Charlene leaned over the casket and whispered. She stroked and smoothed Momma’s hair.
Ronnie and Leon sat next to Charlene. One by one and in small clusters of couples and families they came. Most filled out the guest registry placed right outside the door of the viewing room.
“Sorry for your loss, “ was the generic greeting. Charlene would whisper “Thank you” or “I appreciate your coming.” “She’s in a better place.” “No more pain for Ruby.” The filing by of people slowed down.
The loud booming voice demanded attention. Charlene waved to her Auntie Arlene. Ronnie and Leon got up and went to their aunt. Charlene sighed. She loved her mother’s older sister and yet her constant editorials about everything and anything could be a bother on a normal day. Today, Charlene wasn’t ready for Auntie Arlene’s bossy know-it-all advice.
Arlene with huge purple hat, blue-purple pantsuit, and plum color shoes. Now, Arlene was the focus of attention. Several nieces and nephews greeted her. Each dodged the purple saucer and she kissed them one by one. Arlene with the big purple hat that covered her head and jabbed at those whenever she cocked her head downward. Kiss and duck was the approach whenever Arlene wore one of her huge hats.
“My little sister was born talking. I think that she heard the rest of the family talking while she was in the womb and started practicing then!”
Everyone laughed. Arlene smiled and went to Charlene. Charlene stood up. The citrus smell came first. Arlene loved perfumes. She owned several expensive ones. The Paris perfume Annick Goutal normally went for over $400 per ounce. Good thing Arlene had the money to match her flamboyant life of fancy clothes and expensive perfume. Charlene ducked Arlene’s hat and kissed her aunt on the left cheek.
“We’ll get through this together,” Arlene whispered. Charlene thanked her knowing that Arlene would fly back home right after the funeral. Arlene didn’t know anything but me, never we.
Pastor Roberts wore a sober face and black robe. As he spoke. Charlene heard snippets of the familiar story of Jesus being the resurrection and the life. Familiar words that gave no comfort. The typical boilerplate statement is that those who believe will not die forever. People nodded. A few agreed with an Amen. The normal responses at most funerals. Charlene wondered if they agreed with Pastor because that was what they believed or were merely being polite.
“For everything, there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven, “ Solomon said. The pastor continued, “A time to be born and a time to die.” He paused to let this sink in.
Then, Pastor spoke something new about Momma. “I wasn’t there when Ruby was born and neither was I there the day she died. But, I was there a few days before. And, I got to know Ruby over the years. If my count is correct nearly 30 years. Right after she moved here. Charlene was 6, Ronnie 3, and little Leon was about nine months old. “ Pastor gestured toward them in the front row. Several hands reached from the pew in the back to place their hands on the shoulders of Charlene, Ronnie, & Leon. “We all have our memories of Ruby. The things she said. The gifts she gave. Right after my wife died Ruby came to my office. She read a quote from James Baldwin’s book “The Fire Next Time.” ‘It seems to me that that one ought to rejoice in the fact of death – ought to decide, indeed, to earn one’s death by confronting with passion the conundrum of life. One is responsible for life: It is the small beacon in that terrifying darkness from which we come and to which we shall return. One must negotiate this passage as nobly as possible, for the sake of those coming after us.”
Ruby then said, what I treasure and will remember forever. “Every person has tears. Those tears come from pain and suffering. I believe God turns our tears into a healing drink if we let Him.” He paused. Several people shifted their weight in their pews. A few Amen’s were heard.
“What Ruby told me that day I will remember forever. May our tears for Ruby’s passing become a healing drink to each of us.”
Pastor nodded to Charlene and left the podium. Charlene smoothed out the wrinkled page she had kept in her purse. Ernest familiar faces waited for her words. She took a deep breath. “Momma said a lot of things to a lot of us. Me, in particular. Might be because I am the oldest. Perhaps because I was the only one who listened. Her words often repeated to me are written in my heart and mind. As I am sure her words mean something to each of you.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. She wiped both her eyes glancing at her notes. “Momma said that when she died she didn’t want no fancy funeral and lots of people crying for her. “None of that, you hear?” She asked with that look that commanded respect and demanded a prompt “Yes, Mam,” “I heard her words but we haven’t been keeping the promise, have we? Which now gives Momma something else to speak out about.”
Charlene smiled. The congregation laughed with her. “Now, Momma won’t speak in the same way. She speaks to each of us right here as she pointed to her heart; if and when we are willing to hear.”
The time at the cemetery was rushed due to the downpour of rain. The ones there hidden alone or huddled together. The contrast of black umbrellas with huge golf umbrellas of blues and reds countered the gloom and dark sky.
Afterward, many came to Charlene’s house. The usual menu of potato salad, deli meat tray, and soft drinks gave people something to choose from before sitting down. A brief distraction from the reason they were gathered together. Momma’s sweet tea was poured often from the urn she bought on her one trip to Europe. The sweet tea was Momma’s secret recipe. Enough sugar to give that swift jolt sugar high and the danger of immediate tooth decay. Everyone knew to brush immediately after Momma’s sweet tea to prevent a dentist appointment. But no one ever did. The buzz got you what you needed and the sweet aftertaste is what kept you going back for more.
Charlene watched as the first guests poured their sweet tea. She waited. Did I get the right ratio of tea, water, and sugar she wondered. No one commented on the taste of the sweet tea. Either no one noticed or dared to complain. Not even Auntie Arlene.
Friends helped clean up. The last guest left. Ronnie and Craig hugged Charlene. Leon left earlier with his former high school girlfriend. Charlene was alone with no one nearby for the first time in days. She hurt. No more Momma to be there. All those birthdays, holidays, and graduations. Secrets and stories. Senior prom, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Momma’s tough love and wisdom. Momma’s shoulder to cry on right after the divorce. Momma was there to welcome her back home. A speed dial call away. Momma always ready with sweet tea, freshly baked cookies, and arms full of bear hugs. Now no more. Gone like Momma.
Leon left the next afternoon to return to graduate studies at Columbia. The next day, Ronnie and Craig back to Chicago and their successful careers. The days became weeks in a blur of routine. Every day Charlene woke with the empty dull dread of another day.
The job as Assistant Administrator helped her cope. The distraction of something to do and people depending on her. The drive home was the worst. Back home she sat alone. Most nights, Charlene stared at the TV channel surfing past the local and national news. Reruns of I Love Lucy and some cop and doctor shows that never made sense. The TV was a constant reminder that life goes on as Charlene stayed stuck in her sea of sorrow.
Charlene knew the five steps of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Charlene didn’t know which step she was on and didn’t care. The dull spot within, a permanent scar reminding her that someone had been stolen from her life.
Some nights, a friend would stop over. The TV remained on as Charlene offered ever-diminishing leftovers of potato salad and deli meat. When they ran out, parts of uneaten homemade dishes from someone who cared enough to cook for her. Charlene and her guest would pick at the food and sit in long moments of silent sadness.
After the leftovers were eaten or thrown away, Charlene rotated between home delivery of Chinese or pizza. In between, she ate the drive-through hamburgers and fries. Her previous healthy diet trashed for now. The upside – no cooking and the cleanup was easy.
Ronnie called a few times. She and Craig missed her. “Are you okay?” she always asked. “Not really” Charlene short and only response. Their recent call ended with Ronnie saying, “This is hard, I know. It takes time. Way too much time. I lost her too, you know.” “Grief is a process and it is personal. Each person has their own way and time of grieving,” Pastor told her the day after Momma died. Great advice but it didn’t help. Weeks later, Charlene still moved under her dark fog of funk every day. That feeling of both suffocating and drowning.
Leon called out of the blue one Saturday morning. “Hey Sis, guess what?” Charlene rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Took a big gulp of coffee and waited. “Gina moved in with me yesterday. Charlene, I think she is the one.” Charlene mumbled, “That’s nice. Congratulations.” Charlene hung up the phone wondering how long would the newest and cutest live-in girlfriend last. She had lost count after the first three. Leon definitely had commitment issues. Ronnie and Craig no problem. Charlene, gun shy from a bad marriage and ugly divorce didn’t have the time or any energy to trust anyone. Therefore, no need of commitment to her.
One night, exactly a month and three days after the funeral, Charlene sat alone drinking hot lemon grass tea. Tonight, the TV was off and there was no pizza. Charlene ached to see Momma again. This day especially. Charlene got a promotion with more money. A goal achieved in less than a year on the job. Something she and Momma had talked about. Charlene knew Momma had been praying. Momma would be proud of her daughter while praising God for the answer to her prayer.
“Oh, I have to share this with Momma!” Charlene hit the number on speed dial. The phone rang several times. It went to voice mail. Charlene hung up and began to cry. Moments later, the tears stopped flowing and Charlene began to giggle. Giggle as she once did when Momma would tickle her toes. Soon, the giggles transformed into big gulps of laughter. The kind you can’t stop but you have to just to grab more air.
“Now, Momma, what do you have to say about that?”
