It sounds funny admitting that divorce can be a positive experience, but I believe its true. In my case, divorce freed me from an unhappy life I no longer wanted to live. My second divorce gave me the freedom to embrace myself and grow emotionally.
During those long, awful conversations I had with my second husband after I announced my intention to divorce him, he asked me 101 times who I was leaving him for. My answer was always the same, but I don’t think he ever heard me. I was leaving him for me. I wanted to spend time with myself and develop a better relationship.
If you want to develop a better relationship with yourself after a divorce, try these five tips:
Forgive Yourself
I was startled after my first divorce…more likely I was shocked by my first marriage that it wasn’t perfect. It was far from perfect, but I couldn’t figure out why. We were a beautiful match. Strangers came up to us at parties and said we looked as if we were very much in love. We had fun together; we had china service for twelve; we had matching wedding rings and luggage.
I couldn’t make it perfect because I didn’t know what that would look like. I failed my family by becoming the first divorced person in two generations. My mother pre-deceased my marriage, so I couldn’t apologize to her. I took on a boatload of guilt which held me frozen for too long.
Divorce happens (I know, Mom, but its the truth.)
You have to forgive yourself in order to move on. You are not a failure, you just didn’t make this one work.
There were some circumstances beyond your control (like a whole other human who would not be manipulated by you.) It’s okay. You’re okay.
Make a Plan
When the crying is over, it’s time to make a plan for your life. You are not half a couple; you are a whole human. Decide what you want your life to look like. It may seem trite, but you can do anything you set your mind to. Take steps to get that dream job or start saving for the summer home on the water. Get a vehicle with towing capacity, so you can buy the boat you always wanted. Your life is not over. Actually, in many ways, it is just beginning.
Do the Hard Work
Everyone says they can do hard things until they realize what those hard things are. In this case it is to heal your emotional wellbeing. Its not going to be easy, it never is. You have to dig in and figure out what is going on in your heart. It’s time to do a self-assessment: who are you, who do you want to be, what outdated concepts are you holding onto, how can you improve your ability to relate to other humans in an intimate way.
If you’re mouthing, “I’m fine,” right now under your breath, you’re not. Get out your journal and start writing. Call an intuitive friend and set up a weekly wine (whine) date. Get in to see your therapist. Find a new therapist. Do what it takes to discover the little demons lurking in the corners of your mind because they are the ones that will derail your life every time.
Stay Strong
Another cliche that happens to work for divorce recovery. In this case, it means stick to your plan. It’s very easy when you are still in pain or just beginning to recover to fall back into familiar ways. You’re used to being married, so a new relationship would seem like the right solution to fill the void. I guarantee you, however, if you jump back into the fray, you’re going to find yourself in another failed relationship.
This particular piece of advice comes from my what-not-to-do file. After my first divorce, I was in a hurry to put my life back together in a way I recognized. My peers were all married and starting their families. I felt left out and broken, so I went for the quick fix. Ten years later I realized I was in an unhealthy marriage with a man with whom I never should have accepted a second date. My thirties were behind me, but I was no further ahead in life.
Actually, I made the same mistake in both marriages. I jumped into a marriage to make my life complete instead of first working to be a whole human all by myself. After the second marriage, I made a mental list of qualities I would never again accept in a partner. With another almost ten-year relationship behind me, I remade that list. The problem I have is sticking to the plan.
Find Your Own Happiness
You may not believe you can be happy without your ex-spouse or without your next spouse, but I’m going to tell you you absolutely can. In fact, it is your responsibility as a whole human to find your own happiness. It will make your next relationship better, and who isn’t striving for better?
Remember when you were a kid and you dreamed of being an architect? It may be too late to change your career path but think about what you loved about building. When was the last time you rode a bicycle or skated in the park, or did any of those things you used to enjoy? Your memory is a good place to look for your happiness. All of those someday dreams, like someday I want to see the Pacific Ocean, ride a motorcycle, or learn to play guitar, are clues to your happiness.
It’s so easy in a relationship to get caught up in what makes the other person happy and forget your own preferences. You suddenly become a carb-eating, denim-wearing, Chicago Blackhawks fan. You forgot how to smile and dance and sing out loud. This is your chance to remember what makes you happy and start doing it again.
