Six eggs in one hand and a half dozen in the other hand is the old saying, which basically means, it’s the same thing, but your perspective may be different depending on what hand the eggs are in. Well, 3 days to mourn a loved one on one hand, or 4320 minutes to mourn a loved one on the other hand, depending on a company policy, is the same thing.
When you think about it, gallbladder surgery recovery time is more than the days off for the death of a loved one. Sadly, it’s really about how we view grief, who should grieve, and not wanting to understand that everyone’s grief looks different. There is no standard Powerpoint presentation on proper days off for grief. Grieving is about the relationship with the person, the loss, and the pain associated with it. Days off are calculated by the hierarchy of the relationship i.e. a parent may equal 3 days, or 5 days, if you’re lucky, but a stepchild may equal only 1 day. Well, if you helped to rear your stepchild, or became a part of their life, how can you calculate 1 day to grieve? How do you calculate love? That is really the challenge question for companies.
Here is a grief breakdown:
- First Day-You are in shock, and even if you knew death was imminent, shock is present.
- Second Day-You probably haven’t slept or eaten, your phone is ringing off the hook, text messages, and having to share the same death story over and over as if you are a tape recorder. Add, you more than likely have to visit the funeral home, and sit in a daze picking out caskets and urns. Now here is the truth about Day 2, life is still moving, and you are stuck. Here is another truth, the likelihood of you cussing someone out, not cursing. Cursing is, traffic is bad on the way to work, cussing is you’ve been waiting for the opportunity to cuss someone out, meaning you are going to make up your own cuss words while you do it, funny, but true. We all have that relative when we have been waiting for the precise moment, it’s the relative who wants to tell you what your loved one wanted, the people who gathered but did nothing, while you did everything, the person who wants the funeral to be all about them, and so on. Day 2 is by far the most critical day because this is the day you shouldn’t make any decisions about your life, or anyone else’s. This is the outer body experience day, and most times it’s not pretty because life as you have known it to be has changed. Day 2 is by far the day in which the death of the loved one, will make you or break you!
- Third Day-You may be able to get up, make a cup of coffee, or even eat. You have lots of business to take care of for your loved one, and guess what, you have to return to work the next day. If Day 2 broke you, addictions returned, bad decisions were made, exes reappeared and you allowed them back into your space, etc. you are still stuck in Day 2.
Grief can cause your life to change in a way for the better, or choices from the grief can alter your life.
It’s critical that companies don’t create questionable spaces for your job or your grief.
It’s time to rethink and restructure the meaning of grief and the time you need to grieve. Let’s face it a company has to run, teams have to be managed, and money has to flow, that’s the reality, but here is another reality, grief takes time, depending on the person, the death events, and the emotional turmoil it takes to pour everything out of you to funeralize your loved one, grief is, tough. Unfortunately and maybe fortunately, you are at the mercy of your company, yet your grief remains. There are many companies who get it right, and others who need a grief council to understand that an employee who is supported, will most times become your biggest advocate. Grief is a part of life, so allow employees to grieve well.
